Can You Read My Poker Face?

When I was a kid, I learned to play poker with my cousin. He and I would bet with pennies and pieces of candy in my grandma's living room. We spent countless summers playing seven card draw. We both attended the same college and the same poker nights where Texas Hold 'Em was the new rage. As I got older, I learned gambling is not just for the poker table. One of life's riskiest games is the one we play while trying to find a perfect companion. While I can read a bluff sitting at the card table, I am the worst read on players in the game of love.

The love game is full of players with different strategies and various faces they bring to the table. When it's time to ante up, it's time to find out what you and they are made of. So, you throw your chips in and wait for some callers, or suitors in love's case. Some will fold, some will call your bet, and some will raise the stakes. This is where the risk comes into play. Are you holding a good hand, or is it a gamble with a hand that's open-ended?

Consider dating as the flop in Texas Hold 'Em. This is where the game starts. You have three cards dealt to help your cause, such as mutual friends, common interests, and let's face it...hormones. During this round of betting, a few players will fold. Perhaps their cards can't hold up anymore when faced with the above three factors and they cut their lost causes. Next is the turn, or rather the turning point after you've been dating for over 3 months. After 3 months of dating, if that chemistry is still alive you move into relationship status. The players check to each other and decide to give this relationship a chance. The next gamble for the players is with their hearts.

It's time for the river, the last and final card of the hand. This card represents what I like to call the spark. The spark is responsible for whether you take that plunge and fall in love. The stakes are high to say the least. A lot rides on that final card because it can make or break the cards in a player's hand. So, now you have to decide what to bet? If the spark is there, it's time to throw all in and let it ride. Even if you're holding a full house, you still don't know what else is out there that might have you beat.

When you decide to shove all in, your biggest bet is your heart. And you sit and wait for the other players to call. Your all in bet will take anyone out of the pot who didn't catch the spark on the river. As for those who did catch that spark, it looks like your all in bet has been called. Sometimes you take a bad beat and the other player ends up with four of a kind [or perhaps four other girls on the side.] Sometimes you've got the winning hand but in love, you lose that other player. Some players are intimidated with a player who isn't afraid to risk it all to win.

If I had my choice for the perfect all in, I'd like to see a split pot. The river card comes, the cards are shown, and you discover both players were holding cards that will win the hand. It's the only way for both to win and the only way you win with a love pot. There are no losers with a split pot...only winners who walk away with what they put in. Being able to put in everything you've got, which in this case means your heart, and walk away a winner seems like a pretty good "deal" to me.

"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards." - Oscar Wilde

Fearless

Five years ago on Valentine's Day, I came home to pink roses, hundreds of tea light candles, and a delicious meal all cooked by my then-boyfriend. That's the last time I received any Valentine's Day present worth talking about. He is also the last and only serious relationship I have had in my adult life. Today, I told him if we hadn't gotten back together in the five years we were apart, then apparently we weren't too torn apart about being apart. About a month ago, I sent him a message telling him I had been thinking about him and what might have been. I told him I wanted to see him. I wanted to know if anything was still there. I left the ball in his court and said he should think about it. I had been waiting for his answer. Yet after sending that message, I freaked out. I asked myself where in the hell that came from and why now?

In hindsight, I already knew the answer. There is nothing there between the two of us. We lived. We loved. We learned. We did what every couple does and followed typical protocol when our interests went in separate directions. What I have been missing is not him, it's all the other stuff that came with having him as my boyfriend. I miss companionship, which makes me no different than the majority of the population. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I have had plenty of opportunities to date and have turned 99.9% of them down. While I have spent a lot of time teaching myself the difference between being alone and being lonely, I kind of missed the part where I've been playing the part of both back and forth. Why have I chosen this emotional ping pong game? Because I am scared of love. I am afraid of awkward moments, first dates which lead to self exposure to strangers, and most of all, hurting someone else's feelings if the spark just isn't there. I fear the unknown and learning to love again.

The biggest thing I am missing that I once had is fearlessness. I know it's hiding somewhere inside and that I once posessed this trait. I have plenty of stories about boys from yesterday when I fearlessly pursued them. Obviously, I did not end up with any of them but that didn't stop me from trying. So, what is stopping me now? When did I become a coward? It seems to have just snuck up on me. I've never been afraid of getting older unless it means that I lose the sense of fearlessness forever. I am not willing to part with that gift. It's time to regain that which has been lost.

The signs of destiny are sometimes subtle, but I've been too stubborn to look for any signs. I admire seredipity in books and movies, yet refuse it when it presents itself in my own life. Am I afraid of my own possible fairy tale? My life seems to be standing still and it's because I don't take chances anymore (not just in love, but in everything.) The wheel of fortune is waiting for me to take a spin and perhaps it's time to do that without doubt.

After all, according to poet James Russell Lowell, "Fate loves the fearless."