For the first time in a very long time, I am not holding any extra baggage inside my head or heart. One of my weaknesses has always been holding on for too long. It's like I'm standing at the airline counter and they say, "Will you be checking any baggage today?" Nope! I only have a carry-on these days! I suppose that's what growing up is all about. You learn to move on and actually leave things behind you instead of dragging them behind you like a bulky suitcase that won't fit in the overhead compartment.
Why do we pack away feelings and thoughts of people and events from our past? Do we hold onto them because we are afraid of that "Oh, I forgot something" feeling? The trips we take throughout life require us to pack for the occasioin. Maybe we pack items from our past because they are familiar to us. It's kind of like how some people have to take their own pillow with them when they travel. It's a comfort thing. It's what they're used to. So, if a person finds herself repeating the same mistakes over and over, it becomes a comfort zone. Perhaps an uncomfortable one but still a zone she knows best. It is less scary to just pull the baggage you know behind you than re-pack the suitcase.
Any emotional baggage I had been holding onto I didn't pack into my car for Maryland. I let it go somewhere between Carolina and the Eastern Shore. Does that mean I dumped my entire past and the people in it? No. It means I learned how to pack with care. Some things are meant to be carried on, but those can usually fit inside the compartments of your heart without weighing you down. There's no chance of lost luggage when you carry on either. All the things you need are right there with you, never leaving your side. Life seems to carry on, so why shouldn't we?
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Own Chapter
"Let your decisions be your own."
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
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