Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Porch talk
I find that the cold air is clarifying. No man can touch me here. I am living without the burden of their rejection. My eyes are clear and my heart is stable. I sit outside looking out into the night and I'm at peace. With myself and my heart. I realize I am the owner of my feelings and no one controls that without my consent. I used to think I was too hard to let men in but it's become apparent that maybe men should step their game up. Show me that you're worthy of my heart. No games to be played.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Ouch.
That stupid, cliche thing happened. Someone asked about him. Why should it even matter? I have actually managed to go days (maybe even a whole week!) at a time without thinking about him now. Then, some random person that I apparently must have gushed about him to decided to bring him up. Great. Thanks.
Now I have to be the bigger person and say, "Oh, well we aren't actually together but he's doing good." [I assume. I wouldn't know.] "We're still on good terms." [I don't want to admit that I'm pathetic & he clearly has no time in his life anymore to even communicate with me.] "It just wasn't the right time." [Yeah, that timing excuse always makes for good denial.] Blah, blah, blah. Why am I making excuses for this person who broke my heart? Despite his actions, I cannot bring myself to say a bad word. Maybe I'm delusional or maybe I do actually understand that he's there and I'm here and that's no way to have any kind of relationship. The whole "star crossed lovers" thing is for kids. In reality, it just doesn't work. It can hold its own for a few months and then it fizzles like a firecracker. It's kind of like a firecracker that you held in your hand and tried to light, thinking you wouldn't burn yourself. Hmm...how'd that turn out? Ouch.
Okay, double ouch. There's a reason we light firecrackers and then run like hell. Why don't we use the same mentality with relationships? Maybe its because the spark is just so darn pretty. Even if it only lasts for a little bit, we still want to see it. We just have to wait to see that flash of pretty lights...that light that showers down and makes it all worth while.
But when that person asked about him, it felt like they lit a roman candle in the middle of my somewhat, almost recovered heart. Anybody got some duct tape? I hear it fixes most things.
-ldw
Now I have to be the bigger person and say, "Oh, well we aren't actually together but he's doing good." [I assume. I wouldn't know.] "We're still on good terms." [I don't want to admit that I'm pathetic & he clearly has no time in his life anymore to even communicate with me.] "It just wasn't the right time." [Yeah, that timing excuse always makes for good denial.] Blah, blah, blah. Why am I making excuses for this person who broke my heart? Despite his actions, I cannot bring myself to say a bad word. Maybe I'm delusional or maybe I do actually understand that he's there and I'm here and that's no way to have any kind of relationship. The whole "star crossed lovers" thing is for kids. In reality, it just doesn't work. It can hold its own for a few months and then it fizzles like a firecracker. It's kind of like a firecracker that you held in your hand and tried to light, thinking you wouldn't burn yourself. Hmm...how'd that turn out? Ouch.
Okay, double ouch. There's a reason we light firecrackers and then run like hell. Why don't we use the same mentality with relationships? Maybe its because the spark is just so darn pretty. Even if it only lasts for a little bit, we still want to see it. We just have to wait to see that flash of pretty lights...that light that showers down and makes it all worth while.
But when that person asked about him, it felt like they lit a roman candle in the middle of my somewhat, almost recovered heart. Anybody got some duct tape? I hear it fixes most things.
-ldw
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