Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane HowardI'm a bit of a loner. Always have been actually. It's always hard for me to trust and let people in. Even the friends I let in, I keep them at a distance whether they realize it or not. My family has learned to accept my solo nature and it's by no fault of theirs that I'm not as close to them as most are with their families. My free spirit just doesn't quite connect perhaps because I am not ready to settle down. They've gotten married, had kids, and bought houses. None of those things are on my priority list yet. These days my priority list leans more towards self discovery.
Some may find this hard to believe since I may come off as a social butterfly when I'm out & about downtown. But, you can be surrounded by a hundred people and still feel alone when you're as guarded as I am. Lately, I have retreated even further into my hermit-ness as I evaluate the priorities in my life. This means also evaluating the people in my life too. Since I am more timid than most when it comes to trusting others, when I am choosing my "clan" it takes quite a bit of evaluating on my part. Mainly because one side of me is prideful enough to think I don't need anybody. But as Ms. Howard points out in a matter-of-fact way, everyone needs other people to count on.
The small network of confidants I call friends are proving to me more every day that it's okay to lean on others sometimes. It's a give and take because one day they'll need to lean on me. I try to be a good friend but I think my pride leads to the weakness of being fair weathered sometimes. This comes from a fear of opening up & then being hurt. It feels like a total cop out to say that because I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes. However, I am there for the people I care about when it matters most.
As much as I find it hard to believe, I guess I do actually have a "clan", a "tribe", a group of people that I will lay down and die for. And I do need them. As much as I'd like to deny it, I do need those friends that are there through the thick and the thin. At the end of the day, you know who you are if you're one of them. And if you have to question it for even a second, then sorry you're aren't one. Maybe I don't say it or make it known as I should but I'm a big fan of my clan. I only hope that other people are fortunate enough to say the same. But not about my clan. Because they're mine! Obviously.
-ldw
