The first time we kissed, there was no kind of spark
it was lust laced with whiskey
but there was comfort in the touch
I gave your misery a listening ear
because I knew that's what you needed
As the sun started to rise, we drifted to sleep
holding onto to each other, neither of knew where it would lead
Now it's you that I can't get out of my head
wondering what you're feeling
wishing there was a song you'd write for me
but your heart doesn't seem like it's ready for healing
I know I'm not the safest bet
with a restless heart and a gyspy soul
but these days you're the one I come home for
hoping this hand I've dealt is one that you won't fold
I never saw this coming, the feelings I now try to hide
if I confess to you now, you'll run
I should know 'cause we can spot our own kind
Maybe I served my purpose, just being a friend for you
just another lost cause in the pile
that your broken heart can just abuse
You can't be to blame if you don't feel the same
I could never take it out on you
I'd be the last one to say hurtful things
after everything I watched you go through
We both agreed not to go too far
it's a vow we both have kept
But this is a promise I'd like to break
though I can't begin to figure out my next step...........
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Mom always gives the best advice...
Tonight, I called my mom for a catching up chat. What started as a conversation about what was going on in our lives turned into me inquiring for her wisdom. Of all the pearls of wisdom she gave, one stuck in my brain and inspired this note. She said, "Sometimes a person comes along to show us our way through the trees when we're looking into the forest. They show us a tree and it's up to us to decide if we go around it, climb it, or let it stand in our way."
Perhaps this comment called out to me because it coinsides with my theory that everyone enters our life for a reason. Often we are oblivious to their purpose until they're gone. In my past, I can recall many times when I entered a person's life and helped them. I think it's common for us to believe a person is in our lives for one reason only to discover later that we were meant to be there for an entirely different purpose. Since I have had a bit of experience with this, I am learning to think outside the box when things go in a different direction that I originally planned. I have written before about Virginia Wolfe saying, "Arrange whatever pieces come your way." I think there should be an added comment to that which says, "...even when they come at you from a new direction."
As we weave our ways through the wooded areas of life, we frequently find trees that block our intended paths. These obstacles seem to come at the exact moment we think our path is clear. Although we cannot control that which blocks the path, we certainly have control over how we handle it. You can chose to go around it by avoiding the situation. But, avoidace will only lead to upturned roots that will trip you later down the road. If you face the issue head on and choose to climb the tree, you may find yourself ending up at the top of the tree. From there, you are able to see everything you have confronted. After climbing up, you are able to get yourself back down to the path safely and know your way next time this tree jumps in front of you. The worst thing you can do is continue to stand in front of that tree. Inaction is a coward's move. No one ever got anywhere by doing nothing. Sometimes it's fear that paralyzes us to stand where we are instead of moving forward.
At the end of the day, none of us were given maps to navigate our paths. (And if they were, I have a serious bone to pick with someone!) Life doesn't allow us to go backwards, so it's pointless to "what if" ourselves. We are only able to control what we do next. An easy path is never guaranteed, but it gets easier with experience and the help of a good support system. I like to think of good friends as a tree stand. They help us find our footing when the next branch looks out of reach. And sometimes the best tree stand is that person we didn't expect to enter our lives. We never know if when we climb down, that person will still be right beside us as we continue down our path. Perhaps they have served their purpose after our descent, or maybe it's the compass we were searching for all along.
****
Currently reading:
Perhaps this comment called out to me because it coinsides with my theory that everyone enters our life for a reason. Often we are oblivious to their purpose until they're gone. In my past, I can recall many times when I entered a person's life and helped them. I think it's common for us to believe a person is in our lives for one reason only to discover later that we were meant to be there for an entirely different purpose. Since I have had a bit of experience with this, I am learning to think outside the box when things go in a different direction that I originally planned. I have written before about Virginia Wolfe saying, "Arrange whatever pieces come your way." I think there should be an added comment to that which says, "...even when they come at you from a new direction."
As we weave our ways through the wooded areas of life, we frequently find trees that block our intended paths. These obstacles seem to come at the exact moment we think our path is clear. Although we cannot control that which blocks the path, we certainly have control over how we handle it. You can chose to go around it by avoiding the situation. But, avoidace will only lead to upturned roots that will trip you later down the road. If you face the issue head on and choose to climb the tree, you may find yourself ending up at the top of the tree. From there, you are able to see everything you have confronted. After climbing up, you are able to get yourself back down to the path safely and know your way next time this tree jumps in front of you. The worst thing you can do is continue to stand in front of that tree. Inaction is a coward's move. No one ever got anywhere by doing nothing. Sometimes it's fear that paralyzes us to stand where we are instead of moving forward.
At the end of the day, none of us were given maps to navigate our paths. (And if they were, I have a serious bone to pick with someone!) Life doesn't allow us to go backwards, so it's pointless to "what if" ourselves. We are only able to control what we do next. An easy path is never guaranteed, but it gets easier with experience and the help of a good support system. I like to think of good friends as a tree stand. They help us find our footing when the next branch looks out of reach. And sometimes the best tree stand is that person we didn't expect to enter our lives. We never know if when we climb down, that person will still be right beside us as we continue down our path. Perhaps they have served their purpose after our descent, or maybe it's the compass we were searching for all along.
****
Currently reading:
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Carry On
For the first time in a very long time, I am not holding any extra baggage inside my head or heart. One of my weaknesses has always been holding on for too long. It's like I'm standing at the airline counter and they say, "Will you be checking any baggage today?" Nope! I only have a carry-on these days! I suppose that's what growing up is all about. You learn to move on and actually leave things behind you instead of dragging them behind you like a bulky suitcase that won't fit in the overhead compartment.
Why do we pack away feelings and thoughts of people and events from our past? Do we hold onto them because we are afraid of that "Oh, I forgot something" feeling? The trips we take throughout life require us to pack for the occasioin. Maybe we pack items from our past because they are familiar to us. It's kind of like how some people have to take their own pillow with them when they travel. It's a comfort thing. It's what they're used to. So, if a person finds herself repeating the same mistakes over and over, it becomes a comfort zone. Perhaps an uncomfortable one but still a zone she knows best. It is less scary to just pull the baggage you know behind you than re-pack the suitcase.
Any emotional baggage I had been holding onto I didn't pack into my car for Maryland. I let it go somewhere between Carolina and the Eastern Shore. Does that mean I dumped my entire past and the people in it? No. It means I learned how to pack with care. Some things are meant to be carried on, but those can usually fit inside the compartments of your heart without weighing you down. There's no chance of lost luggage when you carry on either. All the things you need are right there with you, never leaving your side. Life seems to carry on, so why shouldn't we?
**
Currently reading:
Why do we pack away feelings and thoughts of people and events from our past? Do we hold onto them because we are afraid of that "Oh, I forgot something" feeling? The trips we take throughout life require us to pack for the occasioin. Maybe we pack items from our past because they are familiar to us. It's kind of like how some people have to take their own pillow with them when they travel. It's a comfort thing. It's what they're used to. So, if a person finds herself repeating the same mistakes over and over, it becomes a comfort zone. Perhaps an uncomfortable one but still a zone she knows best. It is less scary to just pull the baggage you know behind you than re-pack the suitcase.
Any emotional baggage I had been holding onto I didn't pack into my car for Maryland. I let it go somewhere between Carolina and the Eastern Shore. Does that mean I dumped my entire past and the people in it? No. It means I learned how to pack with care. Some things are meant to be carried on, but those can usually fit inside the compartments of your heart without weighing you down. There's no chance of lost luggage when you carry on either. All the things you need are right there with you, never leaving your side. Life seems to carry on, so why shouldn't we?
**
Currently reading:
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Own Chapter
"Let your decisions be your own."
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
Monday, August 9, 2010
almost home
I have to drive across a bridge every day when I go to work. I look out over the water, see the sailboats, and a smile always creeps up on my lips as I think, "I love seeing this on my way to work." I even like seeing it when I'm stuck in traffic on the days I leave the studio at 5:00. I know at some point I'll take that view for granted and won't smile whenever I go across that bridge. For now though, it's nice and who knows, maybe I will keep smiling at that small joy.
I have been in Annapolis for almost four weeks now and every day feels more comfortable than the day before. I am learning the roads without constantly referring to my GPS [and running off the road in traffic!] Today, I even got lost on the way to the bookstore, yet managed to right myself just by my little knowledge of highways.
I managed to land myself an awesome job by the luck and magic of Google. I searched for one thing which led me to randomly send my resume to a company that I never thought would hire me. Getting the job was a great reassurance that taking chances can certainly be worth it. Some nights I am actually in bed before midnight if you can believe that and my internal clock is actually waking me up each day around 8:30am. Who would have ever seen that one coming, right? As a former insomniac vampire, I actually enjoy my head hitting the pillow and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by going to bed early.
Perhaps the biggest change so far has been my social life. Small town girl goes to big city and yes, it does feel like being a little fish in a big pond. However, I know that in time I will build a social circle here as well. In the meantime, that is the piece of home I miss the most...my friends. Although, I can't say enough about how great it is to be living with my best friend and making up for lost time. When she used to visit me in Aiken, we would try to squeeze in as much fun as possible in the short span of a weekend. Now, there is no rush and we are perfectly content watching our shows in the evenings on our respective couches in the living room. [She gets the big couch, but I'm quite happy having the loveseat all to myself!]
I thought I'd be writing more once I got here, but I suppose I have been concentrating mostly on getting settled. There hasn't been much time for me to throw ideas onto paper [or should I say, onto blog?] It is also something I know that will come with time in this new place. I think my head has to get used to the idea of being here first before I can begin to formulate my writing in this new world. For now, it's almost home and every day feels like a new adventure. I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store.
--
I am currently reading:
I have been in Annapolis for almost four weeks now and every day feels more comfortable than the day before. I am learning the roads without constantly referring to my GPS [and running off the road in traffic!] Today, I even got lost on the way to the bookstore, yet managed to right myself just by my little knowledge of highways.
I managed to land myself an awesome job by the luck and magic of Google. I searched for one thing which led me to randomly send my resume to a company that I never thought would hire me. Getting the job was a great reassurance that taking chances can certainly be worth it. Some nights I am actually in bed before midnight if you can believe that and my internal clock is actually waking me up each day around 8:30am. Who would have ever seen that one coming, right? As a former insomniac vampire, I actually enjoy my head hitting the pillow and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by going to bed early.
Perhaps the biggest change so far has been my social life. Small town girl goes to big city and yes, it does feel like being a little fish in a big pond. However, I know that in time I will build a social circle here as well. In the meantime, that is the piece of home I miss the most...my friends. Although, I can't say enough about how great it is to be living with my best friend and making up for lost time. When she used to visit me in Aiken, we would try to squeeze in as much fun as possible in the short span of a weekend. Now, there is no rush and we are perfectly content watching our shows in the evenings on our respective couches in the living room. [She gets the big couch, but I'm quite happy having the loveseat all to myself!]
I thought I'd be writing more once I got here, but I suppose I have been concentrating mostly on getting settled. There hasn't been much time for me to throw ideas onto paper [or should I say, onto blog?] It is also something I know that will come with time in this new place. I think my head has to get used to the idea of being here first before I can begin to formulate my writing in this new world. For now, it's almost home and every day feels like a new adventure. I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store.
--
I am currently reading:
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
the "if" in Life
There are two types of people in life: the ones who make things happen and the ones who let things happen. However, both start with the same notion, "If [blank] happens, I will do [blank]." The difference between the two is action and inaction. For quite some time, I have focused on the latter. I seem to be waiting for something to happen in my life without realizing that often it is up to us to make anything worthwhile happen in our lives.
Tonight, someone gave me a great compliment and said they admired me for always being a "go-getter" no matter the consequences. I suppose I have, in the past, gone and done things most wouldn't think of doing. The majority of people are happy to stay in their comfort zones and do what society dictates as normal. I have never been that type of person. I have always prided myself on doing everything against the norm. I always knew that I never wanted to be like everyone else.
It seems I was so busy not doing what everyone else was doing that I don't seem to be doing much at all for myself. I believe it's appropriate to quote the Doors here when I say, "The time to hesitate is through." It's time for action. No more waiting to see what happens. I have dreams and goals that I have ignored for too long now. I have let fear motivate me instead of courage. There is too much inside of me that can be used to better this world. It is a waste of space on my part if I do nothing with it. I have been afraid to grow up and made the most being one of those who followed the "inaction" philosophy. I successfully avoided adulthood and now, I'm over it. It's time to embrace the future and become the woman I am meant to be.
If I don't embrace that now, I will be forced to endure the same cycle of failure over and over in a small town that has nothing here for me. If I don't get out of this town, I will be bitter and cruel by the age of 35. If I get out & try to do all those things I dream of, I can look back and at least say I did it. Regardless of where it will lead, the goal to get out & try something new is the difference between staying in Neverland and growing up. If I listen to that inner voice that says, "Do it!" then perhaps I will finally find my own way and be happy. I have been searching for quite awhile to find happiness. My resources have dried out here and it's time to go to greener pastures.
The "if" in life is whether or not you take those chances to make yourself happy. If I do this, I will make life better for myself. If I do this, I will change the pattern I have been living in and make something of myself. If I stop worrying about failing, I might actually find a way to succeed. If I follow my own theory of not letting the "what if" pass me by, I will end up exactly where I'm meant to be. "If" is only a two letter word...the four letter ones are always much more fun. Especially "life."
Tonight, someone gave me a great compliment and said they admired me for always being a "go-getter" no matter the consequences. I suppose I have, in the past, gone and done things most wouldn't think of doing. The majority of people are happy to stay in their comfort zones and do what society dictates as normal. I have never been that type of person. I have always prided myself on doing everything against the norm. I always knew that I never wanted to be like everyone else.
It seems I was so busy not doing what everyone else was doing that I don't seem to be doing much at all for myself. I believe it's appropriate to quote the Doors here when I say, "The time to hesitate is through." It's time for action. No more waiting to see what happens. I have dreams and goals that I have ignored for too long now. I have let fear motivate me instead of courage. There is too much inside of me that can be used to better this world. It is a waste of space on my part if I do nothing with it. I have been afraid to grow up and made the most being one of those who followed the "inaction" philosophy. I successfully avoided adulthood and now, I'm over it. It's time to embrace the future and become the woman I am meant to be.
If I don't embrace that now, I will be forced to endure the same cycle of failure over and over in a small town that has nothing here for me. If I don't get out of this town, I will be bitter and cruel by the age of 35. If I get out & try to do all those things I dream of, I can look back and at least say I did it. Regardless of where it will lead, the goal to get out & try something new is the difference between staying in Neverland and growing up. If I listen to that inner voice that says, "Do it!" then perhaps I will finally find my own way and be happy. I have been searching for quite awhile to find happiness. My resources have dried out here and it's time to go to greener pastures.
The "if" in life is whether or not you take those chances to make yourself happy. If I do this, I will make life better for myself. If I do this, I will change the pattern I have been living in and make something of myself. If I stop worrying about failing, I might actually find a way to succeed. If I follow my own theory of not letting the "what if" pass me by, I will end up exactly where I'm meant to be. "If" is only a two letter word...the four letter ones are always much more fun. Especially "life."
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Piece Offering
"Arrange whatever pieces come your way." - Virginia Woolf
The most important pieces in our lives are people. As we travel down the road of life, we encounter people that are both insignificant and significant. The art of deciding which kind of people they are to us is one that must be lived to be learned. We learn as we get older based on our life experiences and how our pieces from our past fit into our lives. Often, we are not given the option to decide the significance of those that come our way. Some people are just apart of our destiny. It is very easy sometimes to overlook a person that appears out of, what seems like, nowhere. Fate is perhaps too gentle with their pushing, so we ignore this piece for others that we think are significant. Life is about timing. Maybe sometimes a person comes our way before we are ready for them, so we cast them aside as commonplace instead. They become significant to us when the timing is right.
Perhaps people's significance to us can shift through life depending on our experiences and the others surrounding us. We may not have control on which pieces come into our lives, or what happens to us; however we certainly have control on what we do once they arrive. We have the choice to make them apart of our lives, or to ignore their presence. It is best to take advantage of all of our pieces, as Virginia Woolf points out. To make sure we don't miss out on anyone, everyone should be given the equal chance to be a significant part of your path. Fortune will sometimes lead the pieces to show us our path has a few different options to consider. It is hard not to stare so hard down one path and maybe miss out on the path right under our noses.
We don't always have to be the one doing the arranging either though. It is also important to allow ourselves to be arranged into someone's life. Our own piece offering can be just as scary as opening up to someone new to accept their piece placement into our worlds. What if they don't want us in their arrangement? What if the pieces don't fit like you thought they would? There is no way to tell. You just have to go with it. Every piece will find it's place. Besides, arranging is nothing more than living. That's the fun part, right?
The most important pieces in our lives are people. As we travel down the road of life, we encounter people that are both insignificant and significant. The art of deciding which kind of people they are to us is one that must be lived to be learned. We learn as we get older based on our life experiences and how our pieces from our past fit into our lives. Often, we are not given the option to decide the significance of those that come our way. Some people are just apart of our destiny. It is very easy sometimes to overlook a person that appears out of, what seems like, nowhere. Fate is perhaps too gentle with their pushing, so we ignore this piece for others that we think are significant. Life is about timing. Maybe sometimes a person comes our way before we are ready for them, so we cast them aside as commonplace instead. They become significant to us when the timing is right.
Perhaps people's significance to us can shift through life depending on our experiences and the others surrounding us. We may not have control on which pieces come into our lives, or what happens to us; however we certainly have control on what we do once they arrive. We have the choice to make them apart of our lives, or to ignore their presence. It is best to take advantage of all of our pieces, as Virginia Woolf points out. To make sure we don't miss out on anyone, everyone should be given the equal chance to be a significant part of your path. Fortune will sometimes lead the pieces to show us our path has a few different options to consider. It is hard not to stare so hard down one path and maybe miss out on the path right under our noses.
We don't always have to be the one doing the arranging either though. It is also important to allow ourselves to be arranged into someone's life. Our own piece offering can be just as scary as opening up to someone new to accept their piece placement into our worlds. What if they don't want us in their arrangement? What if the pieces don't fit like you thought they would? There is no way to tell. You just have to go with it. Every piece will find it's place. Besides, arranging is nothing more than living. That's the fun part, right?
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