"...and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed
mine is a long way from done..."

"Champagne High" by Sister Hazel is my misery comfort song. Over the years, I have played it to allow me to wallow when a boy from the past found his happy ending with another gal. I would ask myself that age old female question, "Why not me?" Well very recently, I put that song on repeat after hearing the "happy" news about a boy I somehow in the back of my head always expected to find his way back to me. I know it's silly, but you can't help how you feel nor can you talk yourself out of foolish daydreaming sometimes. There are people you encounter in life that just get you...that make you laugh until you cry...that can turn any bad day into a great one. Sometimes everything just clicks when you're with that person and sometimes you're the only one who keeps feeling that click after infactuation wears off for the other party. That was my story with him. That and his huge fear of commitment after having his heart broken. A year later he's married. Go figure right? We had so many great times together that it was hard to let go of that and move on. I waited and thought that one day he would decide he wasn't afraid anymore. I guess I thought he'd come running to me when he figured it out. I guess I was wrong. I pushed way too hard though. I know that now.

"...Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine
And so real - to me..."

I wonder now if I hadn't gone to DC that summer if things would be different. That was what changed it all. Even though he told me to go, I should've known he wanted me to stay. By leaving, I repeated the pattern of every girl that ever broke his heart. Part of the reason I returned was because I couldn't live with the "what if" about me and him. At first, it seemed like we were back to where we left off. It wasn't everything I wanted but it was enough to keep me holding on. I was foolish to hold on. If I had just let him go then, this wouldn't even faze me now. I hate that it hurts at all. I want to be happy for him. He deserves to be happy. And as for the girl who got the happy ending...

"...Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah, what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue... "

This is probably inappropriate, but I've never been known for my tact anyway.

~LDW