june 13th

I forgot what day it was. Only a few hours after midnight, it hit me. It was June 13th...a date that will always stand out for me. It was his day. I got distracted by my every day life, which I suppose is a sign of letting go. It's what you're supposed to do as time goes by. I crawled into bed telling myself it was okay to have forgotten because so much time has passed. I laid there unable to fall asleep though. Around 5AM, I got up, got dressed, and drove to my hometown. I played a CD with music from my teenage past and let the thoughts of him flow through my mind. I made perfect timing because the sun was rising just as I pulled up to the place where we laid him to rest 12 years ago. I sat on the marble bench at the foot of his grave and a breeze from nowhere tickled my hair. It might sound crazy but I know it was him.

I went to see him because June 13th is the one day of the year that I allow myself to grieve for the death of my first love and the life we shared while he was here. What hurts the most now is being unable to find anyone who can compare to what we had. Everyone called it puppy love, but at 16 years old, he knew more about how to love me than anyone I've met since. So, that's the part that makes me sad. I haven't found that kind of love again. I miss meaning the world to someone. I miss being the love of someone's life. I miss being the other half that makes a person complete. I miss that boy who at one time was going to be my happy ending. So, it might seem silly that I allow June 13th to upset me, but it's the day that reminds me of a love I can never get back. The hurt remains because I haven't found a love to replace it.

After the sun was all the way up, I brushed the tears from my cheeks & then brushed away the dirt from the stone at the head of his grave. I pressed my fingers to my lips and then onto the ground, like I always do when I'm leaving. Then, I drove back to my life. Later that night, I was at home when the clock went from 11:59 to 12:00 leaving June 13th behind for another year. Maybe this year, I'll find that love I'm always searching for. Some call me a hopeless romantic, but at least I'm hoping. Because I may throw my heart into things way too fast & way too often but it's because I know how rare it is to find. So, I go all in every chance I get because I once knew a boy who did the same. And if you could ask him if he regrets it, I know he'd give his trademark smirk and say, "Not a single day."