wiping the stars from my eyes...

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. - Anais Nin

I have just finished reading "Henry and June" by Anais Nin, which is essentially her journals she kept during her affair with famous writer Henry Miller. It chronicles not only the affair with Henry but also her many affections for other men in her life at that time. As I read this book, I found my own thoughts & feelings reflected in its pages. My admiration for this woman grew the more I read. It was as if she had walked around inside my own head and put those thoughts in print.

Over the past few years, I have found that I have the capacity to connect with many at the same time as well. Most of these relationships I have formed are ones that I knew could never be reality. I used to foolishly believe in so-called happy endings. I suppose I used to have stars in my eyes about them, but now I understand their boundaries. I see them realistically and am beginning to understand their purpose. So often in life, we meet others who we share connections with. Some of these last longer than others, but for the most part they all open us up to ourselves. As we share ourselves with another, they help us grow and expand who we are as people. Ironically, the ones who seem to understand me the most are the ones I know I could never have. These are my star crossed lovers. They are the ones who fate brings to me, but will never allow me to be with.

The biggest epiphany for me after reading Ms. Nin's book was that the purpose of the star crossed lovers is not to gain a happy ending. Their presence in my life is to make me see what I deserve and what I'm worth. All of these unattainable men have taught me about myself, seen me in ways I never saw myself. They see the woman inside of the girl who is still trying to grow up. These men treat me exactly as the quote at the top of the page. They are teaching me not to settle. This is the most valuable lesson I can get from them since I have always been prone to settle for less than I deserve. It comes from a part of me that I hide very well that is wrapped in insecurity and low self esteem. For the most part, I am a confident person but when it comes to my heart, I seem to think I don't deserve to be happy. I hate that nasty part of me because it is the reason I make foolish mistakes and selfish choices that hurt others.

So, no more false pretenses for what I want. I am wiping the stars from my eyes. I will see men that enter my life as they are and not as they are inside my head. As a hopeless romantic, I am quick to see the best and what I want in the object of my affection. I forget to see who they are, which often leads to my disappointment. No more settling. It is time to get what I give and if I'm giving my all, I expect the same in return. It's as simple as that.

-ldw