Sharing is Caring

I think that we are here to share our lives. I believe in that. And even if you aren't sharing your life with someone at this moment, you are still sharing your life with yourself. [Hilary Swank]

Two months ago, I was sharing my life with someone. As it turns out, he wasn't really sharing his with me. I have learned that denial when one is in a one sided relationship brings a depression that I am not willing to endure just because I love someone. In the past, I have continued to care for those who I knew were lost causes for far longer than I should have. I suppose I did actually learn something from those because this time around, I was not willing to self inflict that kind of pain on myself again. Strangely enough, I care for this person more than anyone I have ever loved but I have trust that fate knows what it is doing by deciding this isn't the time for us to be together. So, I've decided to share my life with myself for the time being.

When I decided that I would share my life with myself, that was the easy part. Figuring out what that means exactly wasn't as easy. How did I define something that I had never done before? Well, I discovered you make it up as you go along. I have been making some changes in my life. Slowly weening myself off from going out almost every single night and trying to stay home more was the first on my list. (It's a work in progress...old habits die hard.) I have started exercising to feel better physically and teaching myself how to self-motivate by working out alone. (Nike Training Club is no joke, trust me.) I started reading the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert again. (I stopped reading it two months ago when disappointment and heartache replaced the commitment I thought I had to another.)

I have realized that sharing my life with myself is helping me to figure out all those parts of me that I need to understand before anyone else can. And in understanding that, I figured out that while I may not have the "relationship" I wanted with that certain someone, I kind of missed the point somewhere in there. I have been thinking in a "what about me" mentality instead of just being there for the person I care about. We have been communicating again recently and I thought it would be hard for me to do that without defining our "relationship." What I've found is that it isn't. Being able to talk to him again...to listen, to laugh, to smile, to be there even if only as a listening ear works for us right now. When I met him, I wrote a blog about how it worked because there were no expectations going into it. I forgot that too somewhere along the way.

So, I'm making a little room to share a bit of my life with him but I'm still focused on sharing the majority with me. Because while I'm okay with letting him back in, he isn't allowed to be a top priority until he's ready to give the same. And I think he's alright with that too.

-ldw