I don’t remember how old I was, but I would guess I was around 5 or 6 years old. My mother and I were in her car, driving home after she had yet another break-up with one of her latest boyfriends. I don’t remember if we spoke on the ride home or what kind of music was playing on the radio. I just remember the tears that slid down my mother’s cheeks in a constant flow. Her eyes red and her cheeks streaked with black from her mascara. I cannot recall ever seeing my mother cry before that day. In my memory, this was the first time I saw her shed tears over anything. The woman who wiped away my tears and soothed me when I was upset was crying because of a man.
Fast forward to me at 15 years old having a huge fight with the first boy I ever loved because I never cried in front of him. He screamed that I didn’t care. I was heartless. Why couldn’t I cry in front of him? He demanded to know. I told myself back then that it was because I believed crying to be a weakness. If someone made you cry, then they knew they could hurt you. They knew how to hurt you. Who would ever willingly give another person that power over them? Not me, not then anyway. Was there something buried in my subconscious that didn’t allow me to cry in front of people, especially in front of men I love?
Through the rest of high school and college, any tears I cried over relationships with males were shed in private. I was the listening ear and shoulder for many of my girlfriends, but never was I the one at the head of the pity party. My misery was never a fan of company. I’d get in my car, turn on the saddest music possible, and drive until I was all cried out. The older I got, I found I would only allow myself to let go and cry after many alcoholic beverages. The upside I suppose is that I am one tough cookie and a hard one to break down. The downside is that sometimes it is that weakness that can tighten the bond between two people. A lack of emotion gives off the impression of a cold heart. I don’t think of my heart as cold, but it is certainly well guarded at this point.
With age and experience comes understanding because I do realize now that crying is not a weakness. My pride still doesn’t allow me to shed tears freely, but then again I haven’t had any males in my life recently that deserved to see those tears either. Most females hope for a man that never makes her cry, yet for me a man I can cry in front of will be worth keeping around. It means that I’ve let him in, which isn’t something I do on a whim for just any old guy. This is coming from a hopeless romantic who seems to run away from love or pick the wrong men (or the geographically challenged.) I guess what I’m really hoping to find is someone I can open up and show emotion to. I want a man who isn’t afraid to feel and most importantly isn’t afraid to make me stay when I try to run (‘cause Lord knows I know how to do that!)
As for my love map, there are a lot of routes I haven’t been down yet. The unknown paths can seem scary, but I remember reading somewhere that happy endings aren’t meant for cowards. I think it’s time to follow my love map to where my heart desires and forget where it’s been. I’m all about leaving the past behind these days and even more about seeking all those things I’ve been afraid of for far too long. Here's to taking the scenic route this time.
“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”
- Orson Welles
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