Pieces of Me

Have you ever worked a jigsaw puzzle? Scattered the pieces all over the table with the puzzle box propped up to show you the goal you were working towards? You start on the border and work your way in, picking through each piece to see if it fits. Each piece brings you closer to completion, but it isn’t the last piece that excites you the most. It’s the one before that. Remember the piece you kept picking up and never being able to find a place for? Well, it ends up being the piece that helps you place that final piece. I’ve never been anyone’s final piece, or missing piece for that matter. I do have a bit of experience with being that piece that seems to make the entire puzzle make sense. Of course, nobody ever seems to give that piece any credit.

I have a knack for drawing men to me when their puzzle is a mess. So, I find myself attracting many a man that ends up finding someone else to complete their puzzle. Then again, I probably need to get my own puzzle sorted out before worrying about someone else’s. Or perhaps it’s time to let someone else try to help with MY puzzle! I’ve known many males who were interested in pieces of me but none that seem to want the whole thing. Which pieces keep driving them away? Which pieces aren't strong enough to keep them?

Does the intelligent piece that doesn't fall for the usual tricks intimidate them? Or is it the easy going piece that would rather have fun than argue, fuss, & fight? Maybe it's the independent piece that isn't needy enough. Or that cautious piece that protects my heart & is afraid to show too much emotion. It could be the hardened piece that doesn't break when things gets tough. Or the softened piece that will open up and be sweet with the assistance of a little whiskey. Then again, maybe the pieces aren't the problem at all. I'm just waiting for someone to come along to solve my puzzle. I guess until then I'm just that puzzle piece that got knocked off the table & lost...does that make me someone's missing piece?

Photo courtesy of Photobucket.com

Coward Road

If there is one thing I know as a woman, it is when a man looks at me and wishes I was someone else. The longing in his eyes hides just beneath the surface and at first, it's hard to realize. A woman hopes the longing is for her but her intuition tells her otherwise. She will talk herself out of the reality for awhile until it isn't just in his eyes. It becomes a coolness in his touch. Hands that used to bring warmth & excitement have become unfeeling. His hands that once radiated heat for his woman now give her the chills yet they provide no passion. It isn't just the eyes or the hands though. It's a kiss that doesn't hold a spark. A kiss by the book, but not from his heart. His lips pretend they are touching another but as soon as his eyes open, you feel the distance widen instantly. You are inches apart yet he is miles away from you inside.

A woman knows when it isn't her that you want. A woman knows when there is another whose companionship you desire. A woman knows when her bed doesn't satisfy your needs anymore. Don't take us for fools because we already know everything there is to know. We are just trying to talk ourselves out of the rejection that is inevitable. We don't want to be traded in or turned away. We don't want to feel inadequate. We don't want to let go of what we want even if they want someone else. It is selfish of both the man and the woman to carry on this charade. But what is a little bit of selfishness compared to deceit and dishonesty? If neither is being honest about what's going on, does it really matter that they clearly have a lack of respect for each other & their relationship if they can't face facts that they aren't meant to be together.

There are few other things more hurtful to a human being that filling a space because someone's desired partner is not theirs [for whatever reason.] I think it is cowardness that stops a man from letting a woman know that his heart is with another just because he wants to warm his bed to help him make it through the night without the woman he really wants.

I myself am guilty of this treason yet never realized the fault until I was the unwanted looking into the eyes of a man who looked right through me because I wasn't "her." So, for the men who want to use me as a substitute for the woman you really want, there is a road you can head to before the road that leads into my neighborhood. It's called Coward Road [true story] and it may have been created just for you.

i gave my heart to rock 'n' roll

"...it seems that love no longer can turn me on..." [from "Rock & Roll" by The Sounds]

I take a random song I downloaded after hearing it on some movie and I realize that it is EXACTLY how I feel about my "love life" right now. I don't believe in falling in love right now. Maybe I have too many other areas of life to worry about, but love just doesn't fit into my schedule. Some might say that it is depressing but I honestly cannot bring myself to feel that way about it. One of the next lines of that song is, "I gave my heart to rock 'n' roll." That got me to thinking that honestly I've been more emotional about music in my life than I have about most people in my life. I live vicariously through music. I fall asleep to it. I smile to it. I cry to it. I breathe to it. I, one hundred percent, LOVE it. I am in love with music...more than I've ever been with any man.

I don't cry in front of anyone, but play "How To Disappear Completely" by Radiohead after I've had a bad day and I will cry like a small child who just dropped their brand new ice cream cone on the sidewalk. I rarely melt from romantic gestures but I will melt when I hear "Secret" by Maroon 5 played in an acoustic set in a dimly lit bar. I don't think about my first love every second of the day but play "Please Remember Me" by Tim McGraw and every memory of us will rush back like it was yesterday. I don't get giddy & "twitterpatted" over any man but if I hear "Sparks" by Coldplay, the butterflies are immediate.

Music has this wonderful gift of making us remember exactly how we felt during some of our greatest and most devastating moments. So, while some people are living these things with others...I am choosing to live them through lyrics and melodies. I love that hearing a song can instantly take me back to a time and place that made me smile, or in some cases cut me to the core. Those times that cut me to the core no longer scare me when I remember them because I've learned those lessons & I'm better for it.

So, while some may dismay at their lack of love and companionship in their lives, I know that comfort is easily found on my radio. It's found by turning on my iPod and putting on my favorite playlist that holds all the comfort I need. While my bed is empty, my soul is content while those soft melodies of "Glorybox" by Portishead calm me. I cuddle up with Dave Matthews sweetly singing a cover of my favorite song of all time "Wild Horses" and fall soundly to sleep while John Mayer is "Covered in Rain."

I wake up to the Beatles letting me know "Here Comes the Sun" and Bob Marley telling me that "Every little thing is gonna be alright..." And I remind myself of my favorite movie line from Almost Famous: "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you'll never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you'll always have fun...and when you get lonely, go to the record store and visit your friends."

I've given my heart to rock 'n' roll.

The Right Kind of Wrong

He's cunning, isn't he? The typical Alpha male that you see out charming all the ladies. You know the guy I'm talking about. He can be seen chatting up some pretty little thing and at the end of the night, he'll be walking out the door with some pretty little thing. You know his story. You know how he operates. He's certainly been a topic of conversation in the ladies' room a time or two. So, what is a girl to do when he swaggers up to you. He leans in close and whispers something a bit more sultry than sweet nothings. He's good at what he does and furthermore, he is completely honest with the ladies about his intentions, or lack thereof. Some are too naive to see what he's really about and the other half don't care after a few fruity cocktails and shots, courtesy of our Alpha male. But you...you're smarter than the average bear and you think to yourself, "He won't get the best of me. I know better."

Yet, here you are at last call and he's throwing you that devil smile with a suggestive eyebrow raise. To say you falter would be unfair since you know full well what you're getting yourself into. Society's double standard isn't going to apply to you tonight. Temptation just feels too good sometimes. So, you give in. It goes without saying that a man with that much experience will not disappoint. A man who says all the right things even when your brain is telling you he's all wrong for you. Maybe for tonight though, he's the right kind of wrong. As long as you're aware of the fact that the Alpha male is not Prince Charming. He isn't planning a future with you. He's already thinking about how to snag the other pretty little things he saw at the bar that he could've got with if you had said no.

The Alpha male while entertaining at times is probably the simplest of the male species to figure out. Remember that dog you had when you were a kid that would chase birds/insects/whatever in the yard but when he caught it, he didn't want it anymore. This is the M.O. of the Alpha male. My, my how he loves the excitement of chasing his female prey but after catching them he takes a last sniff & moves onto the next chase. Beware when the Alpha male starts to paw you...he has big plans for you. Yet, they don't involve a fairy tale.

In the case of the Alpha male ladies, forewarned is forearmed. Regardless of if you choose to give in or count yourself out, at least you can make an informed decision now. While he shares the same qualities as a dog chasing his prey, he was given enough brains not to hump your leg in public. So, he's not a complete loss to the human race nor as a companion for the night.

The next time you see him, he'll of course be surrounded by a circle of girls, twirling their hair between their fingers & giggling at his jokes. As you are closing out your tab at one bar, he'll walk up of course. He will say something sly to you like, "I'll bump into you later." Insert devil smile here. You return his grin and reply, "Oh, I'm sure you will.", You play his little game despite the fact that you've already decided you are going home alone. You don't need his empty comfort tonight. While the Alpha male is so used to using women, it has never occurred to him that we also use him right back. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Good Stuff Box

I created my "Good Stuff Box" in high school after seeing a similar box that one of my best friends had created herself. That box is filled with pictures, movie stubs, wedding programs for family, wristbands, concert & other event ticket stubs, and just random knick knacks that make me smile from days gone by. I can't remember the last time I put something in it, so I decided to open it again to see what was in there. You know the first thing I did when I peeked inside? I smiled. Which makes me wonder...why haven't I looked in that box for so long and furthermore why did I stop adding things to it?

Because as we get older, life throws us a lot more punches and we forget how to smile at the little things. Little things that you put in boxes that live under your bed. I forgot what it was like to be that silly schoolgirl with a crush who kept that sugar packet that some boy gave her at lunch & said, "Here's some sugar, sugar." I pulled out the two halves of my old fake ID that the bartender & I cut with a steak knife at the Brew Pub on my 21st birthday. I forgot that I've saved every Steeplechase ticket for every year I've gone because it is my favorite "holiday" in Aiken & a reason I will always find to come home if I leave here again. I re-read the letter to me left by a foreign vistor to Aiken a few years back who I was completely smitten with after spending 5 days with him, who told me to "Keep smiling!" among other sweet nothings. It is probably the last time anyone wrote me a love letter. There were pictures of my first love in there too and a packet of seeds for Sweet William flowers that my mom sent me after the first time she met him when we were 15 & said I had found "a good bean." Speaking of love, the man I walked away a couple years ago would probably smile at the fact that I have a token for a free beer at the Saloon in Darien City, NY. Maybe I should think about going to get that drink someday soon. I found a blinking button from the Starboard in Dewey Beach, Delaware that makes the most amazing Bloody Mary's and a ticket stub to a Washington Nationals baseball game. I found a keychain with a polo player on it made in Argentina, a strawberry with my name on it from my Greek Bid Day at USCA my freshman year, my graduation tassel from Batesburg-Leesville High, and a gold VIP wristband for a club called The Park at Fourteenth where I partied like a true rock star on a private VIP floor with my best friend two summers ago in Washington DC.

While I had that box open, I did something else that needed to be done. I removed a few things. Some of them may have meant something back then but in retrospect they don't constitute as "good stuff" to me anymore. I removed the picture of me and that basketball player with the devil smile that I chased through sophomore year of college who played more games with me than he did on the court. I removed all those pictures of the guy that I once told I hated with every piece of my heart when he asked me to leave because there was another girl...that girl is now his wife. I removed pictures of former female friends that I once would have done anything for until I figured out their friendships weren't what I thought they were. I'll have to add some pictures of my burs to take up that empty space. [Note: Some people have best friends, but mine are called "burs"] I removed an old Polaroid candid shot of my Mema & Dada when they were younger and a shot of my parents to put them on my dresser. While they do fall in my "Good Stuff" category, I think they'll benefit my smile reflex better in plain sight.

Since I had some extra room, I decided to throw in the bar nuts packet from Fly Lounge in Aspen, Colorado [a bar that looks like a space shuttle on the inside - amazing!], a spectator guide for Augusta National from Masters 2009, and a two of hearts playing card that I found in my copy of Catcher in the Rye when re-reading it recently. So, now I find myself eager to have any experience that will provide another "little thing" to add to my box. If I'm going to keep smiling, I certainly need to collect some reminders when I have those really great moments. I think a Good Stuff box is a necessity for anyone who needs a pick me up when life gets you down. What's in your box?

I bet you're wondering what was laying on top of my box that made me smile. A card I bought that had the Starry Night painting [my favorite] on its cover and a quote by Van Gogh on the inside that says, "For my part, I know nothing with any certainty. But the sight of the stars makes me dream..." So, I think I'll take my box outside, lay in the grass, and remember the girl who created this box. The girl who loved star gazing, dreaming of where her life would lead, and smiling at all the little things.

my anti "phonies" rant

I try very hard not to be a fake person. The drawback to being "real" is that you can sometimes come off as a horrible person when you live in a world full of phonies. [Love that word...forgot about it until recently re-reading Catcher in the Rye...Holden Caufield could teach us all a thing or two.] Here's the thing, in a world full of phonies everyone is used to being told what they want to hear instead of the straight up truth. Now, I am blessed with a group of *burs* that tell it like it is yet love me just the same. Through my friendships with them, I have learned the value of honest friendships and being real no matter who doesn't like it. The bottom line is the truth even at its worst is more beautiful than a lie. [That's an original quote by Lindsey Wise, so write that down.]

That being said, I do not sugar coat things. It's a waste of time if you ask me. Because the truth of a situation will always find a way to make itself known. So, here's the truth that we all try to avoid & put on our rose-colored glasses about...Nothing lasts forever. And I ain't talking just about cold November rain...I mean, no exceptions to the rule...NOTHING lasts forever. So, there is no reason to delude yourself into thinking otherwise. Friendships grow apart. Careers get boring. Love fades & passion dies. And here's the part that is the hardest to accept [because the phonies try to convince you otherwise]

There is NOTHING you can do about it.

So, stop worrying about it. Start being real. People will appreciate you more in the long run for being honest. It occurs to me that I spend too much energy on being polite to people I'd just assume not talk to. If I have nothing in common with you anymore, I really don't see why we need to have an awkward conversation to catch up on each others' lives when neither of us really cares what the answer is. If you are a boy who has dissed me in the past and you know you were wrong for it, it's best for you to avoid me if there is alcohol in my system. I don't take kindly to being made a fool of to begin with, but with the help of vodka I will certainly let you know exactly how much I don't like it. I don't need to endure the awkwardness because YOU feel bad about being a jerk in the past.

Let's talk about these friendships that don't last...Friendships end for one of the following reasons [to name a few]: A. One friend did something that the other friend finds unforgiveable B. The two friends have different circles of friends that don't mesh [aka they have friends that are phonies] therefore those friends usually grow apart because their worlds collide C. Friends who live in different cities grow apart just like people in long-distance relationships...unless you are kindred spirits but let's face it not everyone can be lucky enough to have one of those ;) D. People grow & change on a daily basis. Unfortunately, you don't always grow together. That's life.

You know who I really appreciate [besides my burs]? Acquaintances who accept that relationship between us. The people I can share a smoke and a laugh with and then we rejoin our respective circles of friends. I enjoy those people who understand that it's okay to share a light, fun coversation and understand that we aren't going to be braiding each others' hair & dishing secrets later. The main reason I like these acquaintances is because they don't pout or talk badly about me if I see them and perhaps I don't have time [or maybe I have another agenda that night] to give anything more than a passing "hello."

I guess the point I'm getting at is that I really hate it when people get mad at me because things change. It's not like I sit around wishing for these things. But it's life and I've accepted that it changes whether I like it or not. So, do yourself a favor...live your life, go with the flow, be happy, and say hello to me when you see me. If it's a vodka/red bull night I can't guarantee I'll do more than wave but I'll tell ya this: If I don't wave or speak, you're probably in that category of people I don't want to have an awkward conversation with. Don't mean to hurt any feelings...just keeping it real. You should follow suit.

p.s. I've edited this one a couple times & to be quite honest I'm tired of thinking it isn't ready to be posted so here it is.....I'll be the first to say it's more of a "rant" than what I usually throw down....

for those of you who know about my "quote book"

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. - Anais Nin
Every day of our lives, we are faced with decisions and choices that can instantly change the path we are on. It all comes down to what we are willing to risk in order to get what we want in life. Be courageous. Just do it. Nike didn't get rich off that slogan for nothing.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. - John Wooden
It's funny that we often seem more concerned with our reputations. Reputations change from time to time, in case you hadn't noticed. Character rarely does and when it does, it takes a bit longer. Your character is embedded deep within your soul while your reputation is simply words of opinion from others' lips, some of which don't really even know who you are. Stop worrying about what people think and focus on being a better you for yourself. In the end, making yourself happy is what matters most.


Things do not change. We do. - Thoreau
And when we change, so do the relationships around us. It is an unfortunate thing about changing. Some people grow with us and others grow away from us. It is sad, but also inevitable. There are relationships and friendships, despite our previous beliefs, that were in fact not meant to last forever. Sometimes our journey of growing up must be taken alone. We have to leave our old self behind with our old friends and old ways to become something more. It is up to you to make it worth it.

Do one thing every day that scares you. - Eleanor Roosevelt
How else are you ever going to learn anything about yourself?

To truly love is to be unselfish in every aspect of the way. -Anonymous
Perhaps this is why it takes some of us so long to find the person we are meant to be with. We are hardened by a world that makes us selfish. We think, "It's all about me. I have to take care of myself. I can't depend on anybody but me." We don't realize that by softening up, we could find someone to take on this hard world with. It takes some of us longer to give up our selfish notions, but remember, the best things come to those who wait.

Dive early. - Bryan Kaminski, a former Hotel Aiken guest (remember how I told you people enter our lives for a reason? Sometimes it's to say the smallest thing that sticks with us forever.)
Follow your gut. Don't stay in a bad relationship because you think things are going to change. Get out while your heart is still intact. Why do we waste time with people we know don't treat us the way we deserve to be treated? Why do we put up with people being reckless with our hearts? Don't stick around just to see how it ends. Go find a happy ending with someone else.

Never mistake a clear view for a short distance. - Paul Saffo
Just because we have a crystal clear picture for what we want doesn't mean it isn't going to take a lot of time and effort to get there. Patience pays off. It's a virtue worth pursuing. (I should know...I work daily on one of my greatest weaknesses - impatience.) Patience is one of the most important virtues to have in your life toolbox. It'll come in handy when you realize the distance that stands between your dreams and reality may be a bit further than you originally thought. You may also want to pick up perserverence for that toolbox too, which will help you to keep building towards your goals when your patience wears down.

Stay is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary. - Louisa May Alcott
It is also a word that not all your friends have learned how to say yet, so don't be surprised when you expect to hear it and they let you down. Life throws many experiences our way to help us figure out who is worth having around and who was never meant to stick around. Pay attention to life's little hints. They're everywhere.

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. - Octavia Butler
And when it's all over, a true friend will be there with one hand outstretched to pick you up off the ground and the other with a basket, ready to pick up those pieces. It is these moments alone that you find out who your friends are. It is in this moment where the core of a friendship is defined and sometimes destroyed. No need to keep around anyone who doesn't bring a basket, especially someone whose basket you've held a time or two when they needed it.

In theory, if everyone takes the same approach, uses the same tools, follows the same course, and plays by the same rules, then everyone's outcome should be the same...I guess execution is everything.
It's called making mistakes. It's called experience. It's called doing what you think is right and it ends up being wrong. It's called living. So, go do it.

Photo above by Lindsey Wise