Lose the Weight

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body."

These days life is pretty different than say back in 2016 which is the last time I wrote. I've been married now for 2 1/2 years and there's no denying it - I've changed. Particularly around my waistline. Now, you may think this would be a rant about how folks keeping asking and assuming I'm expecting a baby due to my belly being a bit bigger than it used to be. And it is, but there's more to the story than that.

As a woman of 36, my body just doesn't look like it used to. Size 4 is a far distant memory from my early 20s. And with everyone assuming my little belly on my still somewhat slender frame means there's a baby on board, I'm forced to choose my wardrobe with more "flowing" options instead of tight fitting. This doesn't bother me at all. I've never been the self conscious type and that certainly isn't changing with age. Most people are more embarrassed than me when I respond with a polite smile and say, "No, I'm not expecting. Just fat and happy from a good marriage I suppose."

The reason behind my weight is not a new story. I could eat better but I'm never giving up carbs. I could exercise more, or at all. I could stress less but couldn't we all? I could drink less however my porch is way too perfect for afternoon cocktails to deny this pleasure. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather be happy than fit into a pair of size 4 skinny jeans anymore. My physical weight is not the problem at hand. It's the weight of everything else.

It's the weight that comes behind the baby question that people ask and don't realize what that might mean to a couple that's trying. It's the weight behind trying to be a good leader & coach at work to a team that depends on you. It's the weight of no longer being frequent visitors for cocktail hour downtown and realizing your list of friends has changed due to that. It's the weight of despite having the most loving, supportive husband in the world, making sure that you're being the best partner and providing him with what he needs every day from his wife. It's the weight of relationships that no longer suit your changed life or perhaps the new priorities that come with being married and soon-to-be new home owners.

I can't help but wonder if that means I should be using the same attitude towards my closet in the rest of my life. What are the more flowing options for everything else I mentioned? I think the answer is to live in the present. Of course, I should look at the future but I can't look so hard that my expectations create fear instead of hope. I control the things I can and stop letting the rest weigh me down. I spend time with the friends who choose to be with me too and don't hold a grudge if it's been awhile since we hung out because life is different for us all. I spend time continuing to coach myself on being a good leader and make sure my team's needs are above my own. And I'm not giving up my porch time cocktails....that's an essential solution that flows into my glass to help lighten the load when the weight gets to be too much. If the weight in your life is getting to be too much, come join me on the porch and let's unload it. We'll worry about the calorie intake later.

-lwm

A girl's dream...a woman's reality

For many years I searched to not only find but figure out who the ideal person would be for me. Growing up as Southern girl, I had these big ideas that my perfect guy would be a good ol' boy. Southern girls are brought up to find men that are as reliable as their Daddy's. The funny part is that I spent a lot of time going after all types of men that were so NOT the good ol' boy types. Not sure how I was dumb enough to keep chasing every type that wasn't what I knew I wanted at the time but at least the romantic gods were listening all along. Because this girl's dream of ending up with a Southern gentleman has become this woman's reality.

He loves my family and gets along with them as if he's always been apart of our family. He treats me with more respect and honor than any man I've known, He loves college football. He may not be a Gamecock but that can be forgiven because of his commitment to his own teams. He cooks a better meal than anyone I've ever met. (I hope our moms aren't reading this!) He also shares the cooking duties and doesn't think it's just a woman's duty, He has the patience of a saint when waiting on me to get ready. Yet he fully appreciates and compliments the end result after waiting. He brought two loving and amazing dogs into my life that I could not live without now. Let's be honest, no true southern happy ending doesn't have dogs involved. He argues with me without backing down because he knows I'm tough enough to take it. The sign of a true Southern gentleman who respects his Southern woman and understands she is her own person.

There are days we drive each other crazy. And to be honest, we have some pretty great fights when we butt heads. However, none of that matters. What matters is the 5 minutes after we've argued or been irritated with each other. The moment we look at each other and start laughing because we know that whatever we were upset about doesn't matter. I can only hope that this will remain as we continue our life together. In our time together, he's always been the perfect Southern gentleman. He has no idea that this girl had always been wishing for him and never imagined he would be her reality.

Getting My Feet Wet

Wow, it's been awhile but I felt compelled today. I celebrated my 33rd birthday this past Sunday. For some reason this week I have realized how far I've come from my younger self. Some things haven't changed....like listening to my favorite, Corey Smith while I write. He's a great muse to my emotions. It probably helps that he's getting older too and continues to write music I can relate to beyond the younger stuff of drunken nights and heartaches. As his newest hit on the radio says, "I'm just getting my feet wet..."

In my twenties I used to think that was the time I was doing all these amazing things in life. I was partying and living it up never worrying about tomorrow. Flash forward to today. In a little over a year, I'll be getting married to a wonderful man who was definitely the person that God intended me to find. Only he could put up with the craziness that is me, There are nights when we throw caution to the wind and don't worry about tomorrow....but that notion always seems to bit us in the ass the next morning when grown up responsibilities call.

I've reached that age where all my friends are getting married too and having kids. It's funny to think I used to say I hated kids and now I am so in love with my future nephews. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends (and future bridesmaid) due to a chocolate milk fiasco. Of all of these life disasters between family, friends, kids, and pets happen, it's nice to know we can all laugh and survive through those together. One of my favorite quotes from a movie is from Lost in Translation when Bill Murray's character says, "The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you." I want this life of friends and family with all of life's ups and downs. The things I used to call tragedies in my 20s are laughable compared to the daily struggles we encounter. I say laughable because as I get older, it's easier to laugh more things off instead of letting them consume me with misery. It's pretty hard these days to rain on my parade. I've gotten pretty good at finding that silver lining. It could help that my wonderful future husband lets me vent to him regularly.

I realized the other day that I used to only write when I was sad or upset which made for great entertainment for my (very few) fans. It seems that I associated writing with personal misery so I will try to change that perspective. As I type this final sentence, I miss this. So I'll try to be better and not let another year pass before the next one.

-ldw

Location Situation

For those of you who don't know what "location situation" means, it's another way of saying "You had to be there." It seems kind of perfect that it was the name of our trivia team the night a little over a year ago my feelings for my significant other went from platonic to romantic. We have known each other for 10 years but it wasn't until 2 years ago that our circle of friends began to overlap. I'll be the first to admit that I had him pegged all wrong until I got to know him. I thought he was an asshole to be quite frank. So imagine my surprise when I discovered a completely different person was living instead this so-called asshole. And even more surprise when I fell in love with him. It was and still is for us a "location situation."

Like most couples in love, in between sharing our lives, we share inside jokes, drinks, hurts, stress from work, and the understanding that no one else could understand us the way we do. Our friends pick on us for being so inseparable but I can't find a reason why that could be wrong. After heartache after heartache from men who couldn't find the time for me, I find myself very lucky to have one that can't get enough of me. When they're giving us hell about not being social with everybody else, we just smile at each other & think, "It's a location situation."

That phrase has a bit more meaning if we think about the timing of when hearts collide. Being in the right place at the right time is an old notion we all seem to believe in one way or another. Especially if you've known someone for as long as I knew him, you sort of wonder why it happened now and not sooner. He and I have pondered that together a hundred times but we always come to the same conclusion. Whether you believe in fate or stars aligning or simple coincidence, the fact is that things like love happen when you're ready. I couldn't tell you what universal force is responsible for knowing when you're ready but I'd buy it a drink if I could to say thank you for sending me the man I share my life with.

I know I haven't written much lately but a good friend reminded me just because I'm busy being happy and in love doesn't mean I can't write a bit. So, I'll see you soon...

Pearls of Wisdom for My Younger Self

As I've heard before, getting older does have its privileges. One of those privileges would be the lessons learned along the way. Experience is a great teacher to shape us into more thoughtful, mature individuals. Although I can't say I've let go of all of my childish notions just yet, I am a work in progress. Here's a few things I've discovered now that my 20 year old self would not have thought twice about. Thankfully I have grown up in some ways even if I didn't even notice it was happening at the time.

... Never come empty handed when you're invited to someone's house. Regardless of the occasion, a gift, no matter how big or small, is a way of telling your host you appreciate them sharing their time & home with you.

... When someone gives you a compliment, say "Thank You" and make eye contact when doing so. Someone took the time (and often the guts) to point out something special about you. Acknowledging it instead of shrugging it off is the best way to show your appreciation. My younger self was embarrassed by compliments. I am learning how to accept them with grace and being comfortable in the confidence of myself & my abilities.

... Solitude is not a weakness. It is a strength. Learning how to be content hanging out with yourself is important. After all, you're going to be stuck with you for awhile. You might as well get to know yourself.

... Your wardrobe & style should grow with you. While not all of us are blessed with knowing how to wear the latest trends, this could be a blessing in disguise! Learn how to wear the appropriate attire for the appropriate occasion. No, flip flops are not acceptable for a job interview. Ladies, jeans that ride low enough for your thong to poke out are no longer sexy over the age of...well, never. Gentlemen, there is only one correct way to wear a ball cap & that's facing forward the way they were designed.

...  You won't be any less cool if you choose to go home instead of to the "after party" after you've certainly already had enough to drink. My mother used to say, "There ain't nothing good that happens are midnight." The older I get, the more I see how right she is! I've coined the reminder term, "Cinderella curfew" in order to tame that little party girl that lives instead me. All that being said, I do believe every once is awhile it is perfectly acceptable to stay up way past midnight but only under these conditions. You should be sitting on the back of a tailgate around a bonfire with your friends sharing sips of moonshine and listening to old country music.

... Don't be afraid to take control of your life. I let being young be an excuse for not reaching my potential. I worked a job that allowed me to sleep all day, work 8 hours for a paycheck, go out partying, and then do it all over again the next day. The year I turned 30, I woke up one afternoon, went to work, & put in my 2 weeks notice. Sometimes being unhappy in a job takes enough toil to inspire us to make a change. Change really is good & often needed in our lives to keep us sane!


....................I feel like this is a list that can continue to grow, but I couldn't resist going ahead & posting what I've got so far since it's been so long since I've posted anything. Feel free to share your comments below with your own pearls of wisdom!

Open Heart Policy

In 2012, I saw Warren Haynes with Gov't Mule live in concert for the first time. My favorite song lyric from his music is, "Open your heart when all else fails" which is a mantra I repeat to myself constantly. I tend to be very timid when it comes to matters of the heart. I fear the "what if" factor. What if I choose this path, only to find that another was a better deal? I spend more time second guessing my choices than enjoying them to begin with. I believe it may be time to put those indecisive notions to rest. It is time to stop ending things before they start.

While I wouldn't say my personal choices have always ended in failure, I don't have the kind of success stories I would prefer at this point in life. I have been my own worst enemy of sorts. I talk myself out of what could otherwise have been a good future. But, I am putting my foot down now! I will open my heart even if it scares me because it is new territory. I will hold my head up high, try to keep my chin from a fearful quiver, and smile my way through the scary parts. I will be open no matter what.

Even if things don't work out the way I want them to, I will not let that deter me from my new mantra. I am determined that when I find myself at a loss after taking many different turns which produce the same predictable results, I will still continue to open my heart. I will tell myself that at least I tried and that is better than the "what if" I hadn't taken a chance at all. This won't just apply to romantic relationships either. I can be pretty closed off in friendship too. So, it is important to apply the "open heart" policy to all personal relationships.

As the song goes on to say, "Hindsight is very clear when loneliness is falling..." It's in those quiet moments of retrospect that I start to rework past situations that could have been different if I'd only been more open. If I had learned to soften instead of harden in relationships, I might find myself in a different place. Perhaps I'd be writing frilly, mushy fairy tale blogs. Well, probably not. But I might be able to have as many success stories as failing ones. I've seen how things turn out by being closed off, so now is as good a time as any to see what outcome being open brings.

-ldw

Shiny New Toy

When I was a little girl, I had a bit of a Barbie doll obsession. Being a Daddy's girl, I would get a new doll every couple weeks. This coincided with the time it took for me to get bored with the newest addition. Now, that first week or so the new Barbie on the block got all my attention. She got to wear the cutest outfits, drive the best car, and move into the Barbie Dream House. She was the girl who got the happy ending with Ken while all the other Barbie dolls that came before her watched from the sidelines. The sideline Barbie dolls had one advantage over her though because they knew what was in store. The inevitable toss aside was soon to follow after the Shiny New Toy syndrome wore off.

As we grow up to become adults, we stop playing with dolls. Our new toys are boys. However, not much of the game has changed. We meet a new guy. We're excited and want to focus all of our attention on him. It is often more attention than the object of our new affection even deserves. Then, after a couple weeks of the flirting, text messaging, & a few inside jokes, the Shiny New Boy starts to look like every other male. He begins to lose his shine and his initial appeal. Then, we start to recall the embarrassing moments that we actually wasted stressing over said boy. We endure the slight teasing from our girl friends who had to listen to our over analyzing of his every move for the past couple weeks. Then, we shake it off and go in search of a new boy to play with. Thus, we enter a cycle that keeps replaying itself.

So, the question is how do we even get ourselves into this Shiny New Toy situation? And furthermore, how do we one day stop repeating the pattern? It is our desire to be desired and seen as a unique & awesome individual. After awhile, even your closest friends know most of your stories and your quirks It's nice to meet someone that sees you as a blank canvas. It's exciting to share yourself for the first time and in most cases be the Shiny New Toy for someone else. The butterflies. The stolen glances. The first kiss. The giddiness that reminds you of being a teenager again. All the beginning sparks are what perhaps makes Shiny New Toy syndrome a hard pattern for us to break. It's all the fun stuff without any commitment.

Hopefully, the pattern ends when we find someone who doesn't lose their shine. I hope a boy comes along that feels new all the time. I'm looking for the one that keeps the butterflies fluttering and every kiss has the same excitement as the first one. After all, Barbie can't be the only gal to get her happy ending.

-ldw
 

A Swing & A Kiss

In the game of love, do you know who's on your team? Is there a relief kisser you've been keeping in the bullpen just in case? Or a pinch hitter who steps up to the plate when you need him? In baseball, there is always a batter on deck. Is it the same in life? I'm sure there are times when we keep striking out and wonder if we'll ever get out of the dating slump. However, maybe we are concentrating too much on finding a star player who hits home runs when the "short stop" along the way could hit a double that wins the game. But is it always about winning?

Remember that quote, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game?" The more you play, the more you learn. Life, like baseball, isn't always going to give you a win. But, how will we ever learn anything about ourselves if we always get what we want and win? There will be some losses in your future no doubt about it. but what's important is how we bounce back from them. You're going to strike out. Unfortunately, not every person that we find attractive will share our attraction. You'll find yourself staring out at the mound ready for anything. You're thinking you can handle a fast one, a curve ball, or hell even a screwball. Then, he gives you his best sinker and before you know it, you're out. Every once in awhile, you're going to hit a foul ball. It's that relationship we thought was going to stay "in play," but goes out at the last second. Sometimes you just can't control where the ball goes, or the guy for that matter. You think you've checked your blind spot when he steals second base and moves on the next girl. It's inevitable that you get hit by a pitch or two at some point during your love career. Hopefully you will be lucky enough to avoid any physical violence, but there will be moments that sock you right in the gut and break your heart. But pain only shows you that you did actually care. You should be thankful because there are a lot of people who have no idea what it's like to love someone. They're riding the bench and one day, they will regret not stepping up to bat.

In the game of love, there are a million different ways that game could go. Sometimes it's in your favor and other times, love gets rained out. Regardless of how many times you strike out though, you have to keep the hope alive for that one perfect pitch. The bat connects with the ball like chemistry between two lovers, sometimes it flies out of the park, and your heart goes wild. But if for some reason you get tagged out, dust yourself off and head back to the dugout. Get ready for the next great pitch that comes your way because that could be the one that lands you in the Hall of Fame. So, batter up, baby! Let's play ball.
-ldw

[An oldie but a goodie from way back on March 4, 2007]

Happy magnets

There are laws to attraction but do we even follow the rules when it's someone we can't resist? The basic principle is that "like attracts like" and by focusing our thoughts on what, or in this case who, we want, we can achieve the desired result. Well, when it comes to romance, it seems we have to throw science out the window. How many times have we all longed for someone who consumed our thoughts only to end up without the happy ending? Unfortunately with matters of the heart, positive thinking does not always bring a positive outcome. That doesn't stop the hopeful romantics from their daydreaming but perhaps a bit of reality could be useful.

Here's the thing: we generally believe that we are attracted to someone because of who they are. And that's true. However, I think what's more important is that we are attracted to those who like and support who we are. This could be the reason that we end up with more lost causes than wins. Simply being attracted to someone for who they are doesn't provide enough foundation to start building something bigger. It has to be a two way street. If you aren't choosing someone who appreciates you in the same way, no amount of positive affirmations is going to draw that person to you. This is why the concept of opposites attract tends to work out better for most relationships. Those couples are accepting of who the other person is, even if it's a complete 180 from their own persona.

At the end of the day, we are all just looking for someone who gets us. We want a partner who knows all our idiosyncrasies and loves us anyway. We want someone we can show our true selves to without any hestitation or fear of rejection. We want a companion who sees the good and the bad and accepts both equally. We want someone who understands we are a package deal and that even at our worst, we're worth it. Once we find that person, we get to make our own rules. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who is happy to throw out the rule book completely and just go with it. If you find your someone, it'll be just that simple. No rules. Just a couple of happy magnets, stuck together forever.

-ldw

*Thank you Jessica Archer...you were my muse today xoxo

Birfday shmirfday

Well, where did you come from 30? It seems like only yesterday I was a 20-something trying to figure out what to do with my life. Funny thing is I'm pretty sure I'm still wondering that same thing. The only difference is that I'm content without knowing the answer. In a few days I will be transitioning over from my 20s and entering the world of my 30s. Apparently according to most female magazines and books, this is supposed to be a disaster. I am actually excited about it & do not have a single drop of pessimism about it. Looking back, I can honestly say I do not regret anything up to this point. I have lived a life I can be proud of and have learned lessons that have made me someone I am proud to be. I feel more comfortable and alive in my own skin than I ever have. I have learned to be content which in my case is a huge accomplishment. It doesn't do well to constantly be curious if there's something more out there. It seems to work better once you realize that maybe where you are is exactly where you're supposed to be. I am extremely lucky & grateful to have a life I can be happy with currently.

A former boss of mine had a theory that by the time you're 34 is when life falls into place. She told me the other day that 30 was her favorite year because that's when she figured out where she wanted her life to go. I love that inspiration. I like feeling more knowledgeable than clueless in all of life's areas yet knowing there are still many lessons to be learned. I feel better prepared for situations with friends, work, etc. I find myself being more open which has always been a goal for me. I used to be very closed off & would shy away from things that weren't in my comfort zone. Thankfully, I have chosen very good friends who are supportive and encouraging to stepping outside of that.

Recently, I have started to open up my own little world with new experiences. And new acceptances that my pride used to hinder me from doing. A year ago, I couldn't say that I know how to shoot a gun. A year ago, I couldn't say that I know how to forgive without resent. A year ago, I couldn't say I choose (more often than not) to act responsibly instead of impulsively. A year ago, I was writing angry blogs about boys. A year ago, I was contemplating my next move for the gypsy soul. It's nice to be able to see that I'm growing and learning that "Don't sweat the small stuff" wasn't just some cliche phrase. Because I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I have somehow figured out how to take the ups and downs of life as they are. To be frank, shit happens. That's never going to change. You have the choice to let it rule your life or to go with it. Life has an ebb and flow that isn't always great. However, I have finally realized that you just need patience sometimes to let the good come back around. Anytime I am in doubt of that, I have plenty of friends to remind me how good life is. These days I'm keeping it simple. And for a girl who used to think simple was boring, I'll be the first to say it's the best idea I've come up with in 30 years. Here's to my next 30 years...can't wait to see where this adventure goes!

-ldw

Settling [kind of]

I've always been the girl who was looking for something more. I could never just look at what was present and be content with it. I thought being content meant giving up the idea that there could be something great on the horizon. I believed that the majority of the world was giving up on their potential by settling. As I approach the ripe old age of 30 next month, I am starting to realize I may have been wrong.

Recently, I have found myself content with my life in this small southern town and not being unhappy about that fact. In the past, my gypsy soul has taken me to many different places searching for happiness. Well, the fact of the matter is, I'm no Peter Pan. It's time to accept what is in the here and now. It's time to stop thinking I am missing out when there are plenty of great things already present in my life. The occasional downers that I used to think were reasons to leave are just simply the lows we all encounter in life. Leave it up to a gal who was spoiled as child to be so quick to think she needs to change her entire life just because things aren't sunshine & rainbows all the time. I thought being content meant being boring. I am 100% content (and currently happy) and not at all bored with how my life is at this moment. I've realized that when life looks a bit cloudy, you just need a little patience to wait for the sun to come back.

I'm sure that my talents could do great things in other places and could possibly be wasted here. However, if I chose to focus on that idea, I would obviously be sitting around wondering if there was something I was missing. And I hate the idea of being that person...the one who "what if's" her life away. I think it is more important to embrace where you are and appreciate who you surround yourself with. I have wasted a lot of time in my life being afraid of opening up to others and afraid of being happy. I'm done with those notions. I want to be happy and content and everything that comes with it. If I've learned anything, I know that there's no need to push life...everything falls into place when you least expect it. Because life knows that surprises are always more appreciated than when you were expecting it.

I'm Too Busy Choking On Your Cologne To Notice If You're Cute

A piece of advice that I have commonly heard over the years is that a woman cannot find a suitable man in a bar. If there are any suitable men there, they are most likely already with a partner and therefore, unavailable. I decided to start paying a bit of attention to the behavior of the male species in that alcohol-induced habitat to research why a suitable man cannot be found there. What I discovered was quite amusing and thus, the creation of the wonderful list below that can help the average male turn this sterotype around. I broke it down into a simple "Do" and "Don't" list since I'm well aware of the limited attention span of the average man.

1. DON'T stare at a woman from across the room like a creeper. Please learn the art of the subtle glance and smile to let her know you're interested. If she smiles back, that is your green light.

2. DO introduce yourself politely instead of using some cheesy pick-up line. Those don't work in real life. I don't care how funny it is in your head. It's going to sound like Austin Powers when it comes out of your mouth, minus the accent (...unless of course you're British.)

3. DON'T invade her personal space. We do not want to be able to smell the beer on your breath or choke on the smell of your cologne. If you play your cards right, there will plenty of time to get close in the future.

4. DO offer to buy her a drink. I realize we are in the "independent woman" decade, but not offering will lower your chances because women expect men to offer. It is just one of those unspoken rules between the sexes.

5. DO realize that if she turns down your drink offer, there is a good chance she is not interested. Or, if she is, this is your cue to leave the ball in her court anyway. If she says no, you say, "Alright, have a good night. Let me know if you change your mind." Walk away.

6. DON'T continue to bother her once she has turned you down. Your chances immediately go to zero when you become "that guy" who just won't go away. If we're interested, trust me, we will come find you.

7. DO be aware that if you have the guts to approach us when we are surrounded by our friends, you better bring your A-game. Because before I have even had a chance to evaluate you, they have already formed an opinion of you that they will share with me as soon as you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

8. DON'T immediately go up to another girl if we turn you down. That is tacky and don't forget, women talk in the bathroom. You don't want to find yourself as a topic of scorned women conversation that happens in there. Trust me.

9. DO leave me wanting more. We love a good chase as much as you do (despite knowing we're supposed to let men do the chasing.)

10. DON'T follow any Swingers/Wedding Crashers/any other guy movie rule regarding calling us. If you liked me and were lucky enough to get my number, use it.

-ldw

Keep it simple.

Tonight, a group of people were discussing the issue of what it means to love someone or be in love with someone. The debate was which one was more important. It seems to me that just simply loving someone is definitely the better choice.

If you are capable of falling IN love with someone, then it is also possible to fall OUT of love with that person. So, why even bother worrying about being in love? Why not just love someone and be done with it? When you factor in the possibility of being in love then you invite the inevitable downfall of one day being out of love with said person. From my understanding, to love someone is to forget your own ego and to feel what you feel for them without expecting any reciprocation. As Emerson said, "To love is to be unselfish in every aspect of the way." Or something like that.

While being in love with someone may bring that silly giddiness, to truly love someone has greater rewards. To be able to put someone else before your own needs without knowing if you'll get the same in return seems much more honorable to me. We cannot choose who our hearts decide to love but I think we can choose who we fall in love with. Every single person has a brain which can reason whether or not we should care about certain people. Love isn't this uncontrollable thing that happens. We choose who we spend our time with and we can determine from that who is worth a piece of our hearts. Too often, we get ahead of our own hearts by "falling" for someone and usually falling too fast for the wrong reasons. Love takes time to develop. When people say they have fallen in love, I'd wager they have fallen into something but it ain't love. Not yet anyway.

-ldw

[Writer's note: I wrote this last month & didn't post it because I thought it needed more. After re-reading it tonight, I'm going with the original. I hope you like it.]

You need one

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane Howard

I'm a bit of a loner. Always have been actually. It's always hard for me to trust and let people in. Even the friends I let in, I keep them at a distance whether they realize it or not. My family has learned to accept my solo nature and it's by no fault of theirs that I'm not as close to them as most are with their families. My free spirit just doesn't quite connect perhaps because I am not ready to settle down. They've gotten married, had kids, and bought houses. None of those things are on my priority list yet. These days my priority list leans more towards self discovery.

Some may find this hard to believe since I may come off as a social butterfly when I'm out & about downtown. But, you can be surrounded by a hundred people and still feel alone when you're as guarded as I am. Lately, I have retreated even further into my hermit-ness as I evaluate the priorities in my life. This means also evaluating the people in my life too. Since I am more timid than most when it comes to trusting others, when I am choosing my "clan" it takes quite a bit of evaluating on my part. Mainly because one side of me is prideful enough to think I don't need anybody. But as Ms. Howard points out in a matter-of-fact way, everyone needs other people to count on.

The small network of confidants I call friends are proving to me more every day that it's okay to lean on others sometimes. It's a give and take because one day they'll need to lean on me. I try to be a good friend but I think my pride leads to the weakness of being fair weathered sometimes. This comes from a fear of opening up & then being hurt. It feels like a total cop out to say that because I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes. However, I am there for the people I care about when it matters most.

As much as I find it hard to believe, I guess I do actually have a "clan", a "tribe", a group of people that I will lay down and die for. And I do need them. As much as I'd like to deny it, I do need those friends that are there through the thick and the thin. At the end of the day, you know who you are if you're one of them. And if you have to question it for even a second, then sorry you're aren't one.  Maybe I don't say it or make it known as I should but I'm a big fan of my clan. I only hope that other people are fortunate enough to say the same. But not about my clan. Because they're mine! Obviously.

-ldw

Porch talk

I find that the cold air is clarifying. No man can touch me here. I am living without the burden of their rejection. My eyes are clear and my heart is stable. I sit outside looking out into the night and I'm at peace. With myself and my heart. I realize I am the owner of my feelings and no one controls that without my consent. I used to think I was too hard to let men in but it's become apparent that maybe men should step their game up. Show me that you're worthy of my heart. No games to be played.

Ouch.

That stupid, cliche thing happened. Someone asked about him. Why should it even matter? I have actually managed to go days (maybe even a whole week!) at a time without thinking about him now. Then, some random person that I apparently must have gushed about him to decided to bring him up. Great. Thanks.

Now I have to be the bigger person and say, "Oh, well we aren't actually together but he's doing good." [I assume. I wouldn't know.] "We're still on good terms." [I don't want to admit that I'm pathetic & he clearly has no time in his life anymore to even communicate with me.] "It just wasn't the right time." [Yeah, that timing excuse always makes for good denial.] Blah, blah, blah. Why am I making excuses for this person who broke my heart? Despite his actions, I cannot bring myself to say a bad word. Maybe I'm delusional or maybe I do actually understand that he's there and I'm here and that's no way to have any kind of relationship. The whole "star crossed lovers" thing is for kids. In reality, it just doesn't work. It can hold its own for a few months and then it fizzles like a firecracker. It's kind of like a firecracker that you held in your hand and tried to light, thinking you wouldn't burn yourself. Hmm...how'd that turn out? Ouch.

Okay, double ouch. There's a reason we light firecrackers and then run like hell. Why don't we use the same mentality with relationships? Maybe its because the spark is just so darn pretty. Even if it only lasts for a little bit, we still want to see it. We just have to wait to see that flash of pretty lights...that light that showers down and makes it all worth while.

But when that person asked about him, it felt like they lit a roman candle in the middle of my somewhat, almost recovered heart. Anybody got some duct tape? I hear it fixes most things.

-ldw

No Code Breaking Necessary

We are all familiar with the commonly used phrase of "girl code." This code of conduct varies depending on who you ask. Well, I've decided there is a reason it is called "girl" code because women do not need any code in order to be loyal to their friends. They just are. If a woman does something that hurts her friend, she will step up and apologize. Sometimes our pride may delay that apology but if it's a valuable friendship, the apology will always come. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. True friendship is able to maneuver through mistakes by forgiving and learning from those mistakes together. In most cases, these lessons strengthen friendships. However, if a woman finds herself constantly questioning the actions of her friend, it may be time to move on from that friendship. Or at least take a step back from the level of trust that has been put into it.

Trust is a relationship within itself and if it's absent in friendship, then what's the point? If a friend is lying to you, then they're not much a friend. Some may argue that there are certain situations that lying is acceptable to spare the feelings of their friend. This is true...if we're talking about girls. Girls also seem to believe that omitting information is not considering lying. These lessons of truth telling are learned as we get older which is why I say that girls haven't quite figured it out yet. Most women will agree that they had to learn the hard way with friends that omission is still betrayal and often times worse than an outright lie. I'm not judging girls because I know I used to be one. However, I am quite certain I paid my dues in the friendship screw up department and have learned how to be a loyal friend to the women I care about. I guess I've just lost my tolerance for girls and their silly antics. Antics, such as, trying to play the victim when you're the guilty party. Yeah, I used to play that game too. Then, I grew up. I grew up to find that while girl code needs to be defined, woman code is unspoken yet known between friends who truly care about each other. If you have to ask yourself if it was wrong, then it probably was. If you have to lie about what you're doing, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. And if you have to ask if your friend is mad at you, then you probably already know the answer.

    

Sharing is Caring

I think that we are here to share our lives. I believe in that. And even if you aren't sharing your life with someone at this moment, you are still sharing your life with yourself. [Hilary Swank]

Two months ago, I was sharing my life with someone. As it turns out, he wasn't really sharing his with me. I have learned that denial when one is in a one sided relationship brings a depression that I am not willing to endure just because I love someone. In the past, I have continued to care for those who I knew were lost causes for far longer than I should have. I suppose I did actually learn something from those because this time around, I was not willing to self inflict that kind of pain on myself again. Strangely enough, I care for this person more than anyone I have ever loved but I have trust that fate knows what it is doing by deciding this isn't the time for us to be together. So, I've decided to share my life with myself for the time being.

When I decided that I would share my life with myself, that was the easy part. Figuring out what that means exactly wasn't as easy. How did I define something that I had never done before? Well, I discovered you make it up as you go along. I have been making some changes in my life. Slowly weening myself off from going out almost every single night and trying to stay home more was the first on my list. (It's a work in progress...old habits die hard.) I have started exercising to feel better physically and teaching myself how to self-motivate by working out alone. (Nike Training Club is no joke, trust me.) I started reading the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert again. (I stopped reading it two months ago when disappointment and heartache replaced the commitment I thought I had to another.)

I have realized that sharing my life with myself is helping me to figure out all those parts of me that I need to understand before anyone else can. And in understanding that, I figured out that while I may not have the "relationship" I wanted with that certain someone, I kind of missed the point somewhere in there. I have been thinking in a "what about me" mentality instead of just being there for the person I care about. We have been communicating again recently and I thought it would be hard for me to do that without defining our "relationship." What I've found is that it isn't. Being able to talk to him again...to listen, to laugh, to smile, to be there even if only as a listening ear works for us right now. When I met him, I wrote a blog about how it worked because there were no expectations going into it. I forgot that too somewhere along the way.

So, I'm making a little room to share a bit of my life with him but I'm still focused on sharing the majority with me. Because while I'm okay with letting him back in, he isn't allowed to be a top priority until he's ready to give the same. And I think he's alright with that too.

-ldw

  

"...Life makes love look hard."

I never thought a Taylor Swift song would make so much sense but wow. I'm sure when life decides to hit us on all sides, we try to eliminate parts that we think we can do without. How stupid we are to think we can walk away from someone who makes us happy and offers us everything we've wanted and even the things we never knew we even needed. But that's the thing, life tricks us into thinking we can't be happy with someone and also deal with all of its shit. It doesn't tell us that the people who love us don't care if we get down on ourselves because of what it's throwing our way. The ones who love us don't even let the negative fade them. They just keep giving and supporting regardless of what life throw at them. Love creates a shield from all this. I'm not sure why life needs to teach us such hard lessons but I do know that life should know, I'm onto you. Stop scaring the man that wants to love me. Stop making him think he can't deal with you and have me too. That's not very nice of you, life. Because I have a feeling that your friend Fate isn't very happy with your decision to make this hard. Fate has been quite supportive lately with this, so you should come on board too. Please and thank you.

-ldw

the ride

I have a good friend who is a musician and one of my favorite songs of his is called Backseat Driver. Awhile ago, he told me the story behind that song. But, as songs go, we end up finding our own meanings behind the songs that we like and can relate to. For him, the song was about a girl he was into that happened to be into his friend at the time. As the chorus says, "Backseat driver, backseat love, I will take you either way." For me, I related to this song from the start because I feel as if most of my past connections have been situations where I was the person doing all the feeling. Often times I have found myself feeling more for someone who just isn't on the same page. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I have been content with it because I have never been one to hold back. I will risk the hurt if it means I am also risking to have feelings even if they won't be reciprocated. As I look back, this seems to be a very apparent pattern for my love life. Yet, I don't regret it. I will never be sorry for putting myself out there and feeling what a lot of people in life are scared to feel. I have loved and I have lost...more times than I'd like. BUT...I'm better for it in the long run.

It seems I have always been "burning both ends of the candle, yet I don't get no flame."  My hopes never reach their goal. I have never had the happy ending. My place has never been in the front seat. I have always been the girl in the back seat, watching while someone else drives away with my happy ending. However, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm sitting shotgun. Even in a situation that could take so many turns, I am the navigator of this journey. I feel like I am able to choose my path and that makes me so confident in this relationship. I am sitting shotgun and for once am not trying to figure out the destination. I am looking towards "the ride" and loving every minute. I'm not looking for the end because everything in between is what we will remember. Here's to the ride. We've got a lot of miles to go and I'm happy to be on this trip with him.