In the final hours of 2010, I am doing what the majority of people are doing...looking back at the year that has gone by and wondering what the year ahead holds. This is the time that we allow ourselves to remember the good, the bad, and the ugly of this year and let it go. In mere hours, a clean slate will allow us to take chances, make mistakes, and repeat the same things we swear we'd never do again...again in 2011. This year during my pondering, life decided to throw an interesting revelation at me. I'm repeating the same year every few years, making the same decisions that lead me down the same roads. Perhaps it is age and experience that has finally made me realize that I was living the same year only with different scenery and characters.
Most would assume my New Year's resolution would be to stop living the same life and making the same choices which lead to nowhere. However, I am resolviing to no longer allow gray area relationships in my life in 2011. I want to be apart of relationships that I can define. No more wishy washy answers to straight forward questions. I deserve that and in 2011, I will not let my heart settle for less than it deserves or desires for that matter. I am not allowed to be gray either, which I have been quite prone to do in the past as well. This is maybe why I allow it from others because I am just as bad about it. This resolution will certainly change my life and have an effect on the decisions I make, which will hopefully not be the same ones I always make.
So, it occured to me that a simple resolution will not even put a dent in this vicious cycle that has been my life over the past 5 years or so. In order to shake things up completely, one must sometimes start a revolution inside themselves. This means doing a complete 180 in my way of thinking and learning to see everything from a different angle. My current view isn't really getting me anywhere lately or in the past. Only I have the power to make my life what I want it to be, so why have I been giving other factors the power to make my decisions? I have given up too easily for things I really wanted and most of the time, it was because I was afraid. There's no room for fear now as I find myself at the end of my twenties with not too much to show for it [with the exception of some pretty amazing people that are apart of my life.] 2011 is the year of my revolution. Is there a revolution inside of you that is dying to get out, too? I say don't be afraid to let it. We cannot predict what will happen in the upcoming year, but as the Beatles said in their song Revolution, "Don't you know? It's all gonna be alright..."
- ldw
currently reading:
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
gray.
Gray is my favorite color...to see in my closet. In my life, I have discovered that the color gray does not suit me at all. It seems I have settled for shades of gray too often when I know that I deserve more. It is completely my fault that I didn't step up and paint my relationships with black or white. But, sometimes you just have to get yourself a new palette to paint with. Anyone who has ever tried to add black or white back into gray knows that it doesn't matter how much of either you add, gray is still gray. It's quite a stubborn color if you're trying to change it. In life, can we get out of a gray area without making a mess? Or do we have to start from scratch to escape it?
I will not settle for gray. Not anymore. So many of my relationships have been there that I can't even remember the last one that was black or white for me. For a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, gray just doesn't work with that outfit. So, give me black or give me white...if not either of those, then I'll go without. Andre Gide said, "The color of truth is gray." Only when we decide that gray isn't an area we want to be in do we pursue the truth of our situation. The truth may not be what we want to hear, but it's better than living in a fantasy where the happy ending never comes. Unfortunately, I have found that leaving the gray behind usually means leaving everything that came with it. There can be no in between. It does mean throwing away the old canvas and starting from scratch. Otherwise, we would find ourselves right back in that situation again, trying to paint over the old canvas. You can't paint something new over an old canvas without it being a mess...you can paint the same picture, but who wants to repeat old mistakes? So, I'm getting a new canvas with a brand new set of paints...minus gray, of course.
.
I will not settle for gray. Not anymore. So many of my relationships have been there that I can't even remember the last one that was black or white for me. For a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, gray just doesn't work with that outfit. So, give me black or give me white...if not either of those, then I'll go without. Andre Gide said, "The color of truth is gray." Only when we decide that gray isn't an area we want to be in do we pursue the truth of our situation. The truth may not be what we want to hear, but it's better than living in a fantasy where the happy ending never comes. Unfortunately, I have found that leaving the gray behind usually means leaving everything that came with it. There can be no in between. It does mean throwing away the old canvas and starting from scratch. Otherwise, we would find ourselves right back in that situation again, trying to paint over the old canvas. You can't paint something new over an old canvas without it being a mess...you can paint the same picture, but who wants to repeat old mistakes? So, I'm getting a new canvas with a brand new set of paints...minus gray, of course.
.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
In ruins...
"Ruin is the road to transformation..."
From my current standpoint, I have made another big mess of my life. This isn't one of those "Woe is me" kind of things because I am learning to find the silver lining no matter how dark the overcast may be. I think it's important when your plans don't go your way to be able to look at them objectively and admit your own defeat. While most will tell you not to call it failure, I believe that is sometimes necessary in order to give yourself a new beginning. One may ask how many new beginnings I have racked up so far in life. I would guess about 20-something...and counting. The line between learning your lesson and not dwelling on the past is very thin and hard to manuever at times.
We are creatures of constant change. What shifts inside us through life's ups and downs is shaping who we are meant to be. I'll be the first to admit that to call myself a "work in progress" would be an understatement. There are parts of me that I think I've gotten figured out and other parts that I can't even begin to try to make sense of. In hindsight, which we all know is quite clear, I learn the most about myself when I'm at my lowest points. That's when you can take a really good look at yourself and see what you're made of. I can't say I'm always happy about what I see. In that same breath, I will say that I can see changes in me that make me proud of who I am. While I might not have it all together, the stuff I do have together is becoming solid for a good foundation to build on. Maybe I am just using a different blueprint than most. I've been known to do things in an unconventional way. I guess you could say I think to keep things interesting.
If the quote above is true, then my transformation can't be far behind because my life certainly seems to be in ruins at the moment. But, my mama taught me to be a survior, so I won't stay down for long. I have already started to pick up the pieces to move ahead. I'm searching through the rubble for the things that I can still salvage. Sometimes they knock down buildings to build something better. That's the approach I'll take this time. A bit of renovating can't be too bad for the soul.
From my current standpoint, I have made another big mess of my life. This isn't one of those "Woe is me" kind of things because I am learning to find the silver lining no matter how dark the overcast may be. I think it's important when your plans don't go your way to be able to look at them objectively and admit your own defeat. While most will tell you not to call it failure, I believe that is sometimes necessary in order to give yourself a new beginning. One may ask how many new beginnings I have racked up so far in life. I would guess about 20-something...and counting. The line between learning your lesson and not dwelling on the past is very thin and hard to manuever at times.
We are creatures of constant change. What shifts inside us through life's ups and downs is shaping who we are meant to be. I'll be the first to admit that to call myself a "work in progress" would be an understatement. There are parts of me that I think I've gotten figured out and other parts that I can't even begin to try to make sense of. In hindsight, which we all know is quite clear, I learn the most about myself when I'm at my lowest points. That's when you can take a really good look at yourself and see what you're made of. I can't say I'm always happy about what I see. In that same breath, I will say that I can see changes in me that make me proud of who I am. While I might not have it all together, the stuff I do have together is becoming solid for a good foundation to build on. Maybe I am just using a different blueprint than most. I've been known to do things in an unconventional way. I guess you could say I think to keep things interesting.
If the quote above is true, then my transformation can't be far behind because my life certainly seems to be in ruins at the moment. But, my mama taught me to be a survior, so I won't stay down for long. I have already started to pick up the pieces to move ahead. I'm searching through the rubble for the things that I can still salvage. Sometimes they knock down buildings to build something better. That's the approach I'll take this time. A bit of renovating can't be too bad for the soul.
somewhere between prose & poetry
The first time we kissed, there was no kind of spark
it was lust laced with whiskey
but there was comfort in the touch
I gave your misery a listening ear
because I knew that's what you needed
As the sun started to rise, we drifted to sleep
holding onto to each other, neither of knew where it would lead
Now it's you that I can't get out of my head
wondering what you're feeling
wishing there was a song you'd write for me
but your heart doesn't seem like it's ready for healing
I know I'm not the safest bet
with a restless heart and a gyspy soul
but these days you're the one I come home for
hoping this hand I've dealt is one that you won't fold
I never saw this coming, the feelings I now try to hide
if I confess to you now, you'll run
I should know 'cause we can spot our own kind
Maybe I served my purpose, just being a friend for you
just another lost cause in the pile
that your broken heart can just abuse
You can't be to blame if you don't feel the same
I could never take it out on you
I'd be the last one to say hurtful things
after everything I watched you go through
We both agreed not to go too far
it's a vow we both have kept
But this is a promise I'd like to break
though I can't begin to figure out my next step...........
it was lust laced with whiskey
but there was comfort in the touch
I gave your misery a listening ear
because I knew that's what you needed
As the sun started to rise, we drifted to sleep
holding onto to each other, neither of knew where it would lead
Now it's you that I can't get out of my head
wondering what you're feeling
wishing there was a song you'd write for me
but your heart doesn't seem like it's ready for healing
I know I'm not the safest bet
with a restless heart and a gyspy soul
but these days you're the one I come home for
hoping this hand I've dealt is one that you won't fold
I never saw this coming, the feelings I now try to hide
if I confess to you now, you'll run
I should know 'cause we can spot our own kind
Maybe I served my purpose, just being a friend for you
just another lost cause in the pile
that your broken heart can just abuse
You can't be to blame if you don't feel the same
I could never take it out on you
I'd be the last one to say hurtful things
after everything I watched you go through
We both agreed not to go too far
it's a vow we both have kept
But this is a promise I'd like to break
though I can't begin to figure out my next step...........
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Mom always gives the best advice...
Tonight, I called my mom for a catching up chat. What started as a conversation about what was going on in our lives turned into me inquiring for her wisdom. Of all the pearls of wisdom she gave, one stuck in my brain and inspired this note. She said, "Sometimes a person comes along to show us our way through the trees when we're looking into the forest. They show us a tree and it's up to us to decide if we go around it, climb it, or let it stand in our way."
Perhaps this comment called out to me because it coinsides with my theory that everyone enters our life for a reason. Often we are oblivious to their purpose until they're gone. In my past, I can recall many times when I entered a person's life and helped them. I think it's common for us to believe a person is in our lives for one reason only to discover later that we were meant to be there for an entirely different purpose. Since I have had a bit of experience with this, I am learning to think outside the box when things go in a different direction that I originally planned. I have written before about Virginia Wolfe saying, "Arrange whatever pieces come your way." I think there should be an added comment to that which says, "...even when they come at you from a new direction."
As we weave our ways through the wooded areas of life, we frequently find trees that block our intended paths. These obstacles seem to come at the exact moment we think our path is clear. Although we cannot control that which blocks the path, we certainly have control over how we handle it. You can chose to go around it by avoiding the situation. But, avoidace will only lead to upturned roots that will trip you later down the road. If you face the issue head on and choose to climb the tree, you may find yourself ending up at the top of the tree. From there, you are able to see everything you have confronted. After climbing up, you are able to get yourself back down to the path safely and know your way next time this tree jumps in front of you. The worst thing you can do is continue to stand in front of that tree. Inaction is a coward's move. No one ever got anywhere by doing nothing. Sometimes it's fear that paralyzes us to stand where we are instead of moving forward.
At the end of the day, none of us were given maps to navigate our paths. (And if they were, I have a serious bone to pick with someone!) Life doesn't allow us to go backwards, so it's pointless to "what if" ourselves. We are only able to control what we do next. An easy path is never guaranteed, but it gets easier with experience and the help of a good support system. I like to think of good friends as a tree stand. They help us find our footing when the next branch looks out of reach. And sometimes the best tree stand is that person we didn't expect to enter our lives. We never know if when we climb down, that person will still be right beside us as we continue down our path. Perhaps they have served their purpose after our descent, or maybe it's the compass we were searching for all along.
****
Currently reading:
Perhaps this comment called out to me because it coinsides with my theory that everyone enters our life for a reason. Often we are oblivious to their purpose until they're gone. In my past, I can recall many times when I entered a person's life and helped them. I think it's common for us to believe a person is in our lives for one reason only to discover later that we were meant to be there for an entirely different purpose. Since I have had a bit of experience with this, I am learning to think outside the box when things go in a different direction that I originally planned. I have written before about Virginia Wolfe saying, "Arrange whatever pieces come your way." I think there should be an added comment to that which says, "...even when they come at you from a new direction."
As we weave our ways through the wooded areas of life, we frequently find trees that block our intended paths. These obstacles seem to come at the exact moment we think our path is clear. Although we cannot control that which blocks the path, we certainly have control over how we handle it. You can chose to go around it by avoiding the situation. But, avoidace will only lead to upturned roots that will trip you later down the road. If you face the issue head on and choose to climb the tree, you may find yourself ending up at the top of the tree. From there, you are able to see everything you have confronted. After climbing up, you are able to get yourself back down to the path safely and know your way next time this tree jumps in front of you. The worst thing you can do is continue to stand in front of that tree. Inaction is a coward's move. No one ever got anywhere by doing nothing. Sometimes it's fear that paralyzes us to stand where we are instead of moving forward.
At the end of the day, none of us were given maps to navigate our paths. (And if they were, I have a serious bone to pick with someone!) Life doesn't allow us to go backwards, so it's pointless to "what if" ourselves. We are only able to control what we do next. An easy path is never guaranteed, but it gets easier with experience and the help of a good support system. I like to think of good friends as a tree stand. They help us find our footing when the next branch looks out of reach. And sometimes the best tree stand is that person we didn't expect to enter our lives. We never know if when we climb down, that person will still be right beside us as we continue down our path. Perhaps they have served their purpose after our descent, or maybe it's the compass we were searching for all along.
****
Currently reading:
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Carry On
For the first time in a very long time, I am not holding any extra baggage inside my head or heart. One of my weaknesses has always been holding on for too long. It's like I'm standing at the airline counter and they say, "Will you be checking any baggage today?" Nope! I only have a carry-on these days! I suppose that's what growing up is all about. You learn to move on and actually leave things behind you instead of dragging them behind you like a bulky suitcase that won't fit in the overhead compartment.
Why do we pack away feelings and thoughts of people and events from our past? Do we hold onto them because we are afraid of that "Oh, I forgot something" feeling? The trips we take throughout life require us to pack for the occasioin. Maybe we pack items from our past because they are familiar to us. It's kind of like how some people have to take their own pillow with them when they travel. It's a comfort thing. It's what they're used to. So, if a person finds herself repeating the same mistakes over and over, it becomes a comfort zone. Perhaps an uncomfortable one but still a zone she knows best. It is less scary to just pull the baggage you know behind you than re-pack the suitcase.
Any emotional baggage I had been holding onto I didn't pack into my car for Maryland. I let it go somewhere between Carolina and the Eastern Shore. Does that mean I dumped my entire past and the people in it? No. It means I learned how to pack with care. Some things are meant to be carried on, but those can usually fit inside the compartments of your heart without weighing you down. There's no chance of lost luggage when you carry on either. All the things you need are right there with you, never leaving your side. Life seems to carry on, so why shouldn't we?
**
Currently reading:
Why do we pack away feelings and thoughts of people and events from our past? Do we hold onto them because we are afraid of that "Oh, I forgot something" feeling? The trips we take throughout life require us to pack for the occasioin. Maybe we pack items from our past because they are familiar to us. It's kind of like how some people have to take their own pillow with them when they travel. It's a comfort thing. It's what they're used to. So, if a person finds herself repeating the same mistakes over and over, it becomes a comfort zone. Perhaps an uncomfortable one but still a zone she knows best. It is less scary to just pull the baggage you know behind you than re-pack the suitcase.
Any emotional baggage I had been holding onto I didn't pack into my car for Maryland. I let it go somewhere between Carolina and the Eastern Shore. Does that mean I dumped my entire past and the people in it? No. It means I learned how to pack with care. Some things are meant to be carried on, but those can usually fit inside the compartments of your heart without weighing you down. There's no chance of lost luggage when you carry on either. All the things you need are right there with you, never leaving your side. Life seems to carry on, so why shouldn't we?
**
Currently reading:
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My Own Chapter
"Let your decisions be your own."
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
I read that quote today in a magazine while waiting for my oil to be changed. What was really getting changed, however, was my understanding of why I'm so content with my new relocation. In my early twenties, my gypsy soul moved up and down the east coast in search of something I couldn't define. In hindsight, I realize that the reason I didn't settle was because I didn't know what I was looking for. I most likely told myself I needed to "find myself" but if you have to tell yourself that, is that really what you're looking for? I don't think anyone finds themselves while they're looking. It's that whole idea of being too close to a situation to actually see the situation.
Back then, my motivation for moving usually involved someone of the male persuasion. I chased polo players down to West Palm Beach. I tried to play house with my first adult relationship in Wilmington, NC. Then, I tried to hold onto that relationship by going to upstate New York. My move to Washington DC in 2007 could have worked out if it weren't for that boy I couldn't let go of in Aiken, SC. All those times, I thought my choices to move were decisions made for me. If they had been, things might have turned out a bit differently. I always ran away because I never went to those places for my benefit. It was always about someone else. However, I don't regret following my heart [even foolishly at times] because I don't regret the lessons I learned along the way.
Knowing my own "running" history, I have been scared to death that the gypsy soul that hides inside of me will scratch her way to the surface here. This had been bothering me in the back of my mind until today. I figured out that the only reason my little gypsy kept uprooting me was because none of those places were where I was supposed to be. Furthermore, it isn't even about where I am now. It's why. I'm in a new place opening this new chapter because the decision to move was my own. There are, of course, bonuses to the current location but at the very core of the decision, it was because I needed to open my own chapter for me. All the chapters of my life before now have had something or someone else as the title.
I have spent the past year of my life lost. Every day here, I finally feel like I'm finding myself. That wasn't my original plan with this move. I didn't have much of a plan at all really. I just knew there was a little voice in my head that told me I had to leave Aiken. Again though, it had less to do with the place and more to do with why I wasn't happy. A drastic change was necessary because I was living in my own Neverland and it was time to grow up. I had to see that for myself before I could make the change though. The last thing I wrote was titled, "Almost Home." We can drop the almost now.
Monday, August 9, 2010
almost home
I have to drive across a bridge every day when I go to work. I look out over the water, see the sailboats, and a smile always creeps up on my lips as I think, "I love seeing this on my way to work." I even like seeing it when I'm stuck in traffic on the days I leave the studio at 5:00. I know at some point I'll take that view for granted and won't smile whenever I go across that bridge. For now though, it's nice and who knows, maybe I will keep smiling at that small joy.
I have been in Annapolis for almost four weeks now and every day feels more comfortable than the day before. I am learning the roads without constantly referring to my GPS [and running off the road in traffic!] Today, I even got lost on the way to the bookstore, yet managed to right myself just by my little knowledge of highways.
I managed to land myself an awesome job by the luck and magic of Google. I searched for one thing which led me to randomly send my resume to a company that I never thought would hire me. Getting the job was a great reassurance that taking chances can certainly be worth it. Some nights I am actually in bed before midnight if you can believe that and my internal clock is actually waking me up each day around 8:30am. Who would have ever seen that one coming, right? As a former insomniac vampire, I actually enjoy my head hitting the pillow and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by going to bed early.
Perhaps the biggest change so far has been my social life. Small town girl goes to big city and yes, it does feel like being a little fish in a big pond. However, I know that in time I will build a social circle here as well. In the meantime, that is the piece of home I miss the most...my friends. Although, I can't say enough about how great it is to be living with my best friend and making up for lost time. When she used to visit me in Aiken, we would try to squeeze in as much fun as possible in the short span of a weekend. Now, there is no rush and we are perfectly content watching our shows in the evenings on our respective couches in the living room. [She gets the big couch, but I'm quite happy having the loveseat all to myself!]
I thought I'd be writing more once I got here, but I suppose I have been concentrating mostly on getting settled. There hasn't been much time for me to throw ideas onto paper [or should I say, onto blog?] It is also something I know that will come with time in this new place. I think my head has to get used to the idea of being here first before I can begin to formulate my writing in this new world. For now, it's almost home and every day feels like a new adventure. I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store.
--
I am currently reading:
I have been in Annapolis for almost four weeks now and every day feels more comfortable than the day before. I am learning the roads without constantly referring to my GPS [and running off the road in traffic!] Today, I even got lost on the way to the bookstore, yet managed to right myself just by my little knowledge of highways.
I managed to land myself an awesome job by the luck and magic of Google. I searched for one thing which led me to randomly send my resume to a company that I never thought would hire me. Getting the job was a great reassurance that taking chances can certainly be worth it. Some nights I am actually in bed before midnight if you can believe that and my internal clock is actually waking me up each day around 8:30am. Who would have ever seen that one coming, right? As a former insomniac vampire, I actually enjoy my head hitting the pillow and don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by going to bed early.
Perhaps the biggest change so far has been my social life. Small town girl goes to big city and yes, it does feel like being a little fish in a big pond. However, I know that in time I will build a social circle here as well. In the meantime, that is the piece of home I miss the most...my friends. Although, I can't say enough about how great it is to be living with my best friend and making up for lost time. When she used to visit me in Aiken, we would try to squeeze in as much fun as possible in the short span of a weekend. Now, there is no rush and we are perfectly content watching our shows in the evenings on our respective couches in the living room. [She gets the big couch, but I'm quite happy having the loveseat all to myself!]
I thought I'd be writing more once I got here, but I suppose I have been concentrating mostly on getting settled. There hasn't been much time for me to throw ideas onto paper [or should I say, onto blog?] It is also something I know that will come with time in this new place. I think my head has to get used to the idea of being here first before I can begin to formulate my writing in this new world. For now, it's almost home and every day feels like a new adventure. I can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store.
--
I am currently reading:
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
the "if" in Life
There are two types of people in life: the ones who make things happen and the ones who let things happen. However, both start with the same notion, "If [blank] happens, I will do [blank]." The difference between the two is action and inaction. For quite some time, I have focused on the latter. I seem to be waiting for something to happen in my life without realizing that often it is up to us to make anything worthwhile happen in our lives.
Tonight, someone gave me a great compliment and said they admired me for always being a "go-getter" no matter the consequences. I suppose I have, in the past, gone and done things most wouldn't think of doing. The majority of people are happy to stay in their comfort zones and do what society dictates as normal. I have never been that type of person. I have always prided myself on doing everything against the norm. I always knew that I never wanted to be like everyone else.
It seems I was so busy not doing what everyone else was doing that I don't seem to be doing much at all for myself. I believe it's appropriate to quote the Doors here when I say, "The time to hesitate is through." It's time for action. No more waiting to see what happens. I have dreams and goals that I have ignored for too long now. I have let fear motivate me instead of courage. There is too much inside of me that can be used to better this world. It is a waste of space on my part if I do nothing with it. I have been afraid to grow up and made the most being one of those who followed the "inaction" philosophy. I successfully avoided adulthood and now, I'm over it. It's time to embrace the future and become the woman I am meant to be.
If I don't embrace that now, I will be forced to endure the same cycle of failure over and over in a small town that has nothing here for me. If I don't get out of this town, I will be bitter and cruel by the age of 35. If I get out & try to do all those things I dream of, I can look back and at least say I did it. Regardless of where it will lead, the goal to get out & try something new is the difference between staying in Neverland and growing up. If I listen to that inner voice that says, "Do it!" then perhaps I will finally find my own way and be happy. I have been searching for quite awhile to find happiness. My resources have dried out here and it's time to go to greener pastures.
The "if" in life is whether or not you take those chances to make yourself happy. If I do this, I will make life better for myself. If I do this, I will change the pattern I have been living in and make something of myself. If I stop worrying about failing, I might actually find a way to succeed. If I follow my own theory of not letting the "what if" pass me by, I will end up exactly where I'm meant to be. "If" is only a two letter word...the four letter ones are always much more fun. Especially "life."
Tonight, someone gave me a great compliment and said they admired me for always being a "go-getter" no matter the consequences. I suppose I have, in the past, gone and done things most wouldn't think of doing. The majority of people are happy to stay in their comfort zones and do what society dictates as normal. I have never been that type of person. I have always prided myself on doing everything against the norm. I always knew that I never wanted to be like everyone else.
It seems I was so busy not doing what everyone else was doing that I don't seem to be doing much at all for myself. I believe it's appropriate to quote the Doors here when I say, "The time to hesitate is through." It's time for action. No more waiting to see what happens. I have dreams and goals that I have ignored for too long now. I have let fear motivate me instead of courage. There is too much inside of me that can be used to better this world. It is a waste of space on my part if I do nothing with it. I have been afraid to grow up and made the most being one of those who followed the "inaction" philosophy. I successfully avoided adulthood and now, I'm over it. It's time to embrace the future and become the woman I am meant to be.
If I don't embrace that now, I will be forced to endure the same cycle of failure over and over in a small town that has nothing here for me. If I don't get out of this town, I will be bitter and cruel by the age of 35. If I get out & try to do all those things I dream of, I can look back and at least say I did it. Regardless of where it will lead, the goal to get out & try something new is the difference between staying in Neverland and growing up. If I listen to that inner voice that says, "Do it!" then perhaps I will finally find my own way and be happy. I have been searching for quite awhile to find happiness. My resources have dried out here and it's time to go to greener pastures.
The "if" in life is whether or not you take those chances to make yourself happy. If I do this, I will make life better for myself. If I do this, I will change the pattern I have been living in and make something of myself. If I stop worrying about failing, I might actually find a way to succeed. If I follow my own theory of not letting the "what if" pass me by, I will end up exactly where I'm meant to be. "If" is only a two letter word...the four letter ones are always much more fun. Especially "life."
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Piece Offering
"Arrange whatever pieces come your way." - Virginia Woolf
The most important pieces in our lives are people. As we travel down the road of life, we encounter people that are both insignificant and significant. The art of deciding which kind of people they are to us is one that must be lived to be learned. We learn as we get older based on our life experiences and how our pieces from our past fit into our lives. Often, we are not given the option to decide the significance of those that come our way. Some people are just apart of our destiny. It is very easy sometimes to overlook a person that appears out of, what seems like, nowhere. Fate is perhaps too gentle with their pushing, so we ignore this piece for others that we think are significant. Life is about timing. Maybe sometimes a person comes our way before we are ready for them, so we cast them aside as commonplace instead. They become significant to us when the timing is right.
Perhaps people's significance to us can shift through life depending on our experiences and the others surrounding us. We may not have control on which pieces come into our lives, or what happens to us; however we certainly have control on what we do once they arrive. We have the choice to make them apart of our lives, or to ignore their presence. It is best to take advantage of all of our pieces, as Virginia Woolf points out. To make sure we don't miss out on anyone, everyone should be given the equal chance to be a significant part of your path. Fortune will sometimes lead the pieces to show us our path has a few different options to consider. It is hard not to stare so hard down one path and maybe miss out on the path right under our noses.
We don't always have to be the one doing the arranging either though. It is also important to allow ourselves to be arranged into someone's life. Our own piece offering can be just as scary as opening up to someone new to accept their piece placement into our worlds. What if they don't want us in their arrangement? What if the pieces don't fit like you thought they would? There is no way to tell. You just have to go with it. Every piece will find it's place. Besides, arranging is nothing more than living. That's the fun part, right?
The most important pieces in our lives are people. As we travel down the road of life, we encounter people that are both insignificant and significant. The art of deciding which kind of people they are to us is one that must be lived to be learned. We learn as we get older based on our life experiences and how our pieces from our past fit into our lives. Often, we are not given the option to decide the significance of those that come our way. Some people are just apart of our destiny. It is very easy sometimes to overlook a person that appears out of, what seems like, nowhere. Fate is perhaps too gentle with their pushing, so we ignore this piece for others that we think are significant. Life is about timing. Maybe sometimes a person comes our way before we are ready for them, so we cast them aside as commonplace instead. They become significant to us when the timing is right.
Perhaps people's significance to us can shift through life depending on our experiences and the others surrounding us. We may not have control on which pieces come into our lives, or what happens to us; however we certainly have control on what we do once they arrive. We have the choice to make them apart of our lives, or to ignore their presence. It is best to take advantage of all of our pieces, as Virginia Woolf points out. To make sure we don't miss out on anyone, everyone should be given the equal chance to be a significant part of your path. Fortune will sometimes lead the pieces to show us our path has a few different options to consider. It is hard not to stare so hard down one path and maybe miss out on the path right under our noses.
We don't always have to be the one doing the arranging either though. It is also important to allow ourselves to be arranged into someone's life. Our own piece offering can be just as scary as opening up to someone new to accept their piece placement into our worlds. What if they don't want us in their arrangement? What if the pieces don't fit like you thought they would? There is no way to tell. You just have to go with it. Every piece will find it's place. Besides, arranging is nothing more than living. That's the fun part, right?
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Cold Day in June
** Published in the Metro Spirit on December 23, 2009, 3rd place winner of their annual Short Story Contest **
I have gotten used to those random thoughts of my first love that happen in everyday life. It has been awhile since William has been gone, but the memories still float in and out of my head daily. I wonder if it is still normal to think about him that much. I remember when memories used to bring tears and then smiles. Now, they are just there. They creep up on me without warning and come and go as they please. It is not often that I allow myself to become immersed in the sadness of it all. But, every so often, I do. I allow myself to delve into the memories of that day in June 10 years ago when I got the phone call from my dad that changed everything.
My father spoke through tears with words that he knew were going to break his daughter’s heart.
"Sweetheart, it's William," he whispered, "He crashed in his car. He's dead."
One of the only things I remember from the aftermath of that phone call is sitting outside looking at the stars, like William and I used to do, trying to let it sink in that he was gone. I say “gone” because it is still hard for me to use the word dead when it comes to him. I could not say how long I sat there, tears burning my eyes and making the stars look hazy.
Every memory we ever shared came crashing back to me as I tried desperately to remember all of them. I was afraid if I did not think of every moment he and I spent together right then, I would lose them. The rest of that night is all a blur to me. I can only remember bits and pieces of my grief. I guess that is what shock feels like.
I stayed up all night going through every piece of us that I kept in a pink and white striped Victoria's Secret box. The box first contained a Christmas present from William, but now held countless notes, cards, movie stubs and keepsakes from our life together. In the weeks following, his mother, Dorothy, would discover a box just like mine in his closet that he kept on the top shelf behind shoe boxes.
"You should have it," Dorothy said, smiling gently and pushing the box into my hands.
"No, it should stay right where he left it. That way I can always know where to find it," I said, declining her offer and lifting up on my tiptoes to put the box back in its place in William's closet.
I never knew about that box until then. William never said a word. Then again, he was always full of surprises.
The day after the tragic phone call, I drove to William’s house. I wanted to see Dorothy. I knew she would understand my pain, even though I was nowhere close to feeling what she must have felt, as a mother losing a child.
As I stepped out of my car, two girls who went to high school with us were leaving. They stopped to hug me with tears in their eyes.
"Oh, Lindsey, it's so terrible! You must be so upset!" one of the girls gushed, throwing her arms around me.
I did not hug her back. These same girls used to talk trash about me when William and I broke up. They had said I did not deserve to be with him and he was too good for me. All these things were true, but obviously none of their business.
"I'm doing okay," I said, stepping back awkwardly from the girl's embrace, "Thanks."
I gave a small wave goodbye and started towards the back door. I realized there was something wrong about entering that way today. So, I walked through the front door of William's house for the first time. I signed the visitation book like you’re supposed to do and walked into the living room. I will never be able to erase the look on his mother’s face when she saw me, and how she fell into my arms. As we cried together, I realized the woman I had come to for comfort was finding comfort in me.
Dorothy whispered into my hair over and over, “All I saw was him... all I saw was him when I saw you."
We held each other for awhile sharing soft sobs until she pulled me down the hallway to see William's sisters and then, into his bedroom. I sat in William’s room on his bed for an hour after that.
I laid my head on his pillow, remembering all the naps we took in his bed. I opened his closet and smelled his shirts. I thumbed through them, pulling out the red polo he was wearing the first time I met him and the green sweater he always let me borrow. Being surrounded by his smell was comforting. I did not want to leave, but it was the polite thing to do.
I never was one for crying. I think William cried more in our relationship than I did. I had too much pride back then. All our close friends knew that about us, especially his boys. At the visitation the following day, I walked through the line just like everyone else. I looked around at all the girls who cried and found myself numb and unable to just let it out. I stood beside Brett, one of William’s best friends, as he broke down in front of his coffin. I could not really bear to look at William like that, in a wooden box in the middle of the high school cafeteria. So, I hugged Brett until he got a hold of himself and we continued on to the family.
I hugged both of William’s sisters, telling them how sorry I was for their loss. His older sister told me that I was his world. It was something I always knew, yet took for granted. Dorothy looked relieved to finally see me and wrapped me into her arms.
She shook as she cried and said, “It looks like he’s asleep, doesn’t it? Remember how much he used to love to take naps? He’s just taking a nap.”
I knew she had been waiting for me to greet her because she knew I was one of the few in that room who did actually know how much William enjoyed taking naps. She held onto me tightly and it was me who had to break away from her. I didn’t want to, but there was a line of another hundred people who needed to greet her. I had to follow visitation etiquette, doing the “polite” thing once again.
William’s father had been waiting patiently. He gave me a gentle hug and grabbed both my hands in his. He squeezed them tightly and looked directly into my eyes.
“You were the love of his life. You know that, right?”
I nodded, pressing my lips together tightly to keep from losing it. I could not break for him. William would have wanted me to be strong, especially for his father if no one else. I hugged his dad again and turned to walk away.
I found myself alone in a crowd of mourners, not seeing anyone I had come in with. I stood there for what felt like hours and it felt like all eyes were on me, waiting and watching. Then, someone gently grabbed my arm from behind and led me over to the group we had walked in with. None of us quite knew what to say. Someone broke the silence by suggesting we go out to eat together and then maybe hang out at someone’s house. I tuned all of the chatter out and waited to be led wherever.
It was another one of William’s boys, Lance, who noticed my silence. He pulled me a little to the side.
“You alright?” he asked.
I nodded, still keeping up appearances and not letting it go. I did not want these other people to see my hurt. These hundreds of mourners who did not even know us. I am glad William touched their lives, but who do they think they are? Crying and sobbing as if they loved him like I did. They did not deserve to see my love for him spilled out in tears. They would not understand. They would think I was just trying to get attention, which was a rumor I had already heard was being passed around about me. Lance did not buy my act and said the thing that finally broke my strength.
“Still aren’t going to let him see you cry, huh?”
In a second, the reality of that statement hit me like a ton of bricks, just like William always said it would one day. The tears came before I had a chance to stop them. Lance pulled me into a hug and told me to let it out. And I did. I do not know how long we stood there, but I know his shirt was a mess when I was done.
The next day I watched them lower William’s coffin into the ground and cover it with dirt. I was one of the last ones to walk away that day. For many months after he died, I could not ride past the cemetery without stopping. Sometimes that would mean I would stop more than once a day to visit his grave. I ignored what everyone said and kept telling myself that everyone grieves in their own way. As time went on, my visits became less frequent and I realized that I was starting to heal. I used to curse the saying that "Time heals everything," but now I am living proof that it does.
I have returned to his grave every June for the past 10 years to pay my respects. I kiss my fingertips and press them onto the ground where I imagine his lips would be. I sit on the bench that his family had placed at the grave site instead of a tombstone and tell him about my life. I do not cry when I visit his grave now. I reminisce about the first boy I ever loved and then I take the long way out of town to drive past the place where his car crashed. I blow a kiss to the heavens at the exact place where the angels took him away.
Then, I go back to my life. I go on living without regrets because that is what he would have wanted for me to do. I go on searching with the hope that one day I will find that kind of love again. It was William who taught me how to love and the only way I know to honor him is to do just that.
I have gotten used to those random thoughts of my first love that happen in everyday life. It has been awhile since William has been gone, but the memories still float in and out of my head daily. I wonder if it is still normal to think about him that much. I remember when memories used to bring tears and then smiles. Now, they are just there. They creep up on me without warning and come and go as they please. It is not often that I allow myself to become immersed in the sadness of it all. But, every so often, I do. I allow myself to delve into the memories of that day in June 10 years ago when I got the phone call from my dad that changed everything.
My father spoke through tears with words that he knew were going to break his daughter’s heart.
"Sweetheart, it's William," he whispered, "He crashed in his car. He's dead."
One of the only things I remember from the aftermath of that phone call is sitting outside looking at the stars, like William and I used to do, trying to let it sink in that he was gone. I say “gone” because it is still hard for me to use the word dead when it comes to him. I could not say how long I sat there, tears burning my eyes and making the stars look hazy.
Every memory we ever shared came crashing back to me as I tried desperately to remember all of them. I was afraid if I did not think of every moment he and I spent together right then, I would lose them. The rest of that night is all a blur to me. I can only remember bits and pieces of my grief. I guess that is what shock feels like.
I stayed up all night going through every piece of us that I kept in a pink and white striped Victoria's Secret box. The box first contained a Christmas present from William, but now held countless notes, cards, movie stubs and keepsakes from our life together. In the weeks following, his mother, Dorothy, would discover a box just like mine in his closet that he kept on the top shelf behind shoe boxes.
"You should have it," Dorothy said, smiling gently and pushing the box into my hands.
"No, it should stay right where he left it. That way I can always know where to find it," I said, declining her offer and lifting up on my tiptoes to put the box back in its place in William's closet.
I never knew about that box until then. William never said a word. Then again, he was always full of surprises.
The day after the tragic phone call, I drove to William’s house. I wanted to see Dorothy. I knew she would understand my pain, even though I was nowhere close to feeling what she must have felt, as a mother losing a child.
As I stepped out of my car, two girls who went to high school with us were leaving. They stopped to hug me with tears in their eyes.
"Oh, Lindsey, it's so terrible! You must be so upset!" one of the girls gushed, throwing her arms around me.
I did not hug her back. These same girls used to talk trash about me when William and I broke up. They had said I did not deserve to be with him and he was too good for me. All these things were true, but obviously none of their business.
"I'm doing okay," I said, stepping back awkwardly from the girl's embrace, "Thanks."
I gave a small wave goodbye and started towards the back door. I realized there was something wrong about entering that way today. So, I walked through the front door of William's house for the first time. I signed the visitation book like you’re supposed to do and walked into the living room. I will never be able to erase the look on his mother’s face when she saw me, and how she fell into my arms. As we cried together, I realized the woman I had come to for comfort was finding comfort in me.
Dorothy whispered into my hair over and over, “All I saw was him... all I saw was him when I saw you."
We held each other for awhile sharing soft sobs until she pulled me down the hallway to see William's sisters and then, into his bedroom. I sat in William’s room on his bed for an hour after that.
I laid my head on his pillow, remembering all the naps we took in his bed. I opened his closet and smelled his shirts. I thumbed through them, pulling out the red polo he was wearing the first time I met him and the green sweater he always let me borrow. Being surrounded by his smell was comforting. I did not want to leave, but it was the polite thing to do.
I never was one for crying. I think William cried more in our relationship than I did. I had too much pride back then. All our close friends knew that about us, especially his boys. At the visitation the following day, I walked through the line just like everyone else. I looked around at all the girls who cried and found myself numb and unable to just let it out. I stood beside Brett, one of William’s best friends, as he broke down in front of his coffin. I could not really bear to look at William like that, in a wooden box in the middle of the high school cafeteria. So, I hugged Brett until he got a hold of himself and we continued on to the family.
I hugged both of William’s sisters, telling them how sorry I was for their loss. His older sister told me that I was his world. It was something I always knew, yet took for granted. Dorothy looked relieved to finally see me and wrapped me into her arms.
She shook as she cried and said, “It looks like he’s asleep, doesn’t it? Remember how much he used to love to take naps? He’s just taking a nap.”
I knew she had been waiting for me to greet her because she knew I was one of the few in that room who did actually know how much William enjoyed taking naps. She held onto me tightly and it was me who had to break away from her. I didn’t want to, but there was a line of another hundred people who needed to greet her. I had to follow visitation etiquette, doing the “polite” thing once again.
William’s father had been waiting patiently. He gave me a gentle hug and grabbed both my hands in his. He squeezed them tightly and looked directly into my eyes.
“You were the love of his life. You know that, right?”
I nodded, pressing my lips together tightly to keep from losing it. I could not break for him. William would have wanted me to be strong, especially for his father if no one else. I hugged his dad again and turned to walk away.
I found myself alone in a crowd of mourners, not seeing anyone I had come in with. I stood there for what felt like hours and it felt like all eyes were on me, waiting and watching. Then, someone gently grabbed my arm from behind and led me over to the group we had walked in with. None of us quite knew what to say. Someone broke the silence by suggesting we go out to eat together and then maybe hang out at someone’s house. I tuned all of the chatter out and waited to be led wherever.
It was another one of William’s boys, Lance, who noticed my silence. He pulled me a little to the side.
“You alright?” he asked.
I nodded, still keeping up appearances and not letting it go. I did not want these other people to see my hurt. These hundreds of mourners who did not even know us. I am glad William touched their lives, but who do they think they are? Crying and sobbing as if they loved him like I did. They did not deserve to see my love for him spilled out in tears. They would not understand. They would think I was just trying to get attention, which was a rumor I had already heard was being passed around about me. Lance did not buy my act and said the thing that finally broke my strength.
“Still aren’t going to let him see you cry, huh?”
In a second, the reality of that statement hit me like a ton of bricks, just like William always said it would one day. The tears came before I had a chance to stop them. Lance pulled me into a hug and told me to let it out. And I did. I do not know how long we stood there, but I know his shirt was a mess when I was done.
The next day I watched them lower William’s coffin into the ground and cover it with dirt. I was one of the last ones to walk away that day. For many months after he died, I could not ride past the cemetery without stopping. Sometimes that would mean I would stop more than once a day to visit his grave. I ignored what everyone said and kept telling myself that everyone grieves in their own way. As time went on, my visits became less frequent and I realized that I was starting to heal. I used to curse the saying that "Time heals everything," but now I am living proof that it does.
I have returned to his grave every June for the past 10 years to pay my respects. I kiss my fingertips and press them onto the ground where I imagine his lips would be. I sit on the bench that his family had placed at the grave site instead of a tombstone and tell him about my life. I do not cry when I visit his grave now. I reminisce about the first boy I ever loved and then I take the long way out of town to drive past the place where his car crashed. I blow a kiss to the heavens at the exact place where the angels took him away.
Then, I go back to my life. I go on living without regrets because that is what he would have wanted for me to do. I go on searching with the hope that one day I will find that kind of love again. It was William who taught me how to love and the only way I know to honor him is to do just that.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Chicken Soup for My Soul Today
"After awhile, you'll learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
You'll learn that love doesn't mean learning
and company doesn't mean security.
You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You learn to build all your roads today
'cause tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After awhile, you'll learn that
even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
You'll learn that you can endure,
that you are strong and you have worth..."
For some reason today, my little brain remembered that poem from back when I was sixteen and the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books were new on the market. The above poem was in one of those books. It got me contemplating how I must have interpreted the poem then in comparison to how I interpret it now. I imagine at sixteen that I didn't really grasp what any of it meant; however I held the faith that age would bring understanding and wisdom for those words later. Perhaps the reason I did think of it today is because I am beginning to plant my own garden in my life. I have been so busy helping others water their gardens that I neglected my own. I no longer wish to live vicariously through others...I would like to live vicariously through me.
I find myself looking up at a wall of seeds and deciding which ones I would like to plant. The first seed I have chosen is courage, which will be needed for the new journey I am about to undertake. So often in the past, I let fear and laziness come in between me and my dreams. I should have known to weed those fears, but if I had not given in to them before I would not know to avoid them now. My daddy recently made a joke about how as a little girl I used to love to blow dandelions, not realizing I was doing nothing but spreading seeds for weeds all over the yard. I laughed and said, "Sounds like a metaphor for my life." Until now, that is. I always fancied the dandelion and thought it was unfair that the tiny golden flower was a weed. Funny how in life, the attractive weeds can sometimes disguise themselves to make us show sympathy when we most likely should not. I certainly have planted more weeds than flowers in my garden, but no better time than spring to do some pruning.
In late June, I will be plowing my way to a new city to start a new garden. There, I will plant the seeds for a new job, new friends, and a new life. I will also be sure to water and fertilize properly one of the greatest and most honest friendships I have ever known with my kindred spirit, who has been kind enough to offer her home to become mine as well. After living apart for almost 10 years, I am excited to finally be apart of her life as best friends are intended to be (instead of sharing joys and hurts from 500 miles away!) Ours is a friendship that is like ivy...you planted a tiny bit of it and every year since, it has multiplied and grown until it covers most of your garden. Her ivy has indeed covered most of my heart and I am thankful for that, especially recently when she has shown support in a way I didn't think possible from so far away.
I have never waited for anyone to bring me flowers, because I knew I was capable of growing my own. I just have not had enough faith in myself to actually do it. I am arming myself with a good set of gardening tools and new soil to do all those things I have been too afraid to try. It must be something in the spring air, but as the saying goes, "April showers bring May flowers." So, my flowers of courage will be blooming just in time for the "great escape" in June. I cannot wait to see how my garden grows!
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
You'll learn that love doesn't mean learning
and company doesn't mean security.
You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You learn to build all your roads today
'cause tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After awhile, you'll learn that
even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
You'll learn that you can endure,
that you are strong and you have worth..."
For some reason today, my little brain remembered that poem from back when I was sixteen and the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books were new on the market. The above poem was in one of those books. It got me contemplating how I must have interpreted the poem then in comparison to how I interpret it now. I imagine at sixteen that I didn't really grasp what any of it meant; however I held the faith that age would bring understanding and wisdom for those words later. Perhaps the reason I did think of it today is because I am beginning to plant my own garden in my life. I have been so busy helping others water their gardens that I neglected my own. I no longer wish to live vicariously through others...I would like to live vicariously through me.
I find myself looking up at a wall of seeds and deciding which ones I would like to plant. The first seed I have chosen is courage, which will be needed for the new journey I am about to undertake. So often in the past, I let fear and laziness come in between me and my dreams. I should have known to weed those fears, but if I had not given in to them before I would not know to avoid them now. My daddy recently made a joke about how as a little girl I used to love to blow dandelions, not realizing I was doing nothing but spreading seeds for weeds all over the yard. I laughed and said, "Sounds like a metaphor for my life." Until now, that is. I always fancied the dandelion and thought it was unfair that the tiny golden flower was a weed. Funny how in life, the attractive weeds can sometimes disguise themselves to make us show sympathy when we most likely should not. I certainly have planted more weeds than flowers in my garden, but no better time than spring to do some pruning.
In late June, I will be plowing my way to a new city to start a new garden. There, I will plant the seeds for a new job, new friends, and a new life. I will also be sure to water and fertilize properly one of the greatest and most honest friendships I have ever known with my kindred spirit, who has been kind enough to offer her home to become mine as well. After living apart for almost 10 years, I am excited to finally be apart of her life as best friends are intended to be (instead of sharing joys and hurts from 500 miles away!) Ours is a friendship that is like ivy...you planted a tiny bit of it and every year since, it has multiplied and grown until it covers most of your garden. Her ivy has indeed covered most of my heart and I am thankful for that, especially recently when she has shown support in a way I didn't think possible from so far away.
I have never waited for anyone to bring me flowers, because I knew I was capable of growing my own. I just have not had enough faith in myself to actually do it. I am arming myself with a good set of gardening tools and new soil to do all those things I have been too afraid to try. It must be something in the spring air, but as the saying goes, "April showers bring May flowers." So, my flowers of courage will be blooming just in time for the "great escape" in June. I cannot wait to see how my garden grows!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fortunate Friends
Aristotle once said, "Misfortune shows those who are not really friends." The part he didn't elaborate on is what misfortune does to those who are friends. There are many events that occur that can strenthen a friendship, but none so much as when we need help shouldering secret burdens. No one is without a few skeletons in their closet and it is only our nearest and dearest who are aware of what's inside our box of secrets. From this, trust is earned and becomes the foundation for lasting friendships, or what I like to call our fortunate friends. Fortunate friends are the friends we are lucky to have found...the ones that seems were hand picked by fate to be apart of our lives. It is through misfortune that we find out just how lucky we are.
These fortunate friends help us keep our sanity when the world seems to crumble around us. When we find ourselves at a dead end, they hand us a map, pointing out the alternative routes. When the last thing we want to do is smile, they crack a joke that they know will get a grin regardless. When everything seems hopeless, a fortunate friend finds that silver lining you were unable to see. They don't say, "It's going to be alright," when you both know it isn't; instead they say, "We'll get through this no matter what." While you begin to curse the darkness, they light a candle. No matter the dilemma that comes your way, with fortunate friends, there is no obstacle that cannot be overcome.
Then, when it's your turn to play the part, you must remember the requirements to being considered a fortunate friend. If there is judgement to be passed, it will not come from you. If there are words you are unsure are the right thing to say, silence is best. Sometimes you only need to lend your ears and a warm embrace of support. Place yourself in their shoes as you have been before to be able to show the right amount of compassion and understanding that is necessary. The main goal is to make sure your friend knows that they are not alone in their tragedy, but do so without smothering them.
Often when fortunate friends come to face a problem together, there are thin lines to walk in order to gracefully help each other. We won't always say the right thing, or even know what to say sometimes. Regardless, our fortunate friends can see our effort and will appreciate the sentiment just the same. It's all a learning process and who better to learn these lessons with than those we hold closest to our hearts?
"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island...to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing."
- Baltasar Gracian, 17th Century Spanish Philosopher & Writer
These fortunate friends help us keep our sanity when the world seems to crumble around us. When we find ourselves at a dead end, they hand us a map, pointing out the alternative routes. When the last thing we want to do is smile, they crack a joke that they know will get a grin regardless. When everything seems hopeless, a fortunate friend finds that silver lining you were unable to see. They don't say, "It's going to be alright," when you both know it isn't; instead they say, "We'll get through this no matter what." While you begin to curse the darkness, they light a candle. No matter the dilemma that comes your way, with fortunate friends, there is no obstacle that cannot be overcome.
Then, when it's your turn to play the part, you must remember the requirements to being considered a fortunate friend. If there is judgement to be passed, it will not come from you. If there are words you are unsure are the right thing to say, silence is best. Sometimes you only need to lend your ears and a warm embrace of support. Place yourself in their shoes as you have been before to be able to show the right amount of compassion and understanding that is necessary. The main goal is to make sure your friend knows that they are not alone in their tragedy, but do so without smothering them.
Often when fortunate friends come to face a problem together, there are thin lines to walk in order to gracefully help each other. We won't always say the right thing, or even know what to say sometimes. Regardless, our fortunate friends can see our effort and will appreciate the sentiment just the same. It's all a learning process and who better to learn these lessons with than those we hold closest to our hearts?
"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island...to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing."
- Baltasar Gracian, 17th Century Spanish Philosopher & Writer
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Go the Distance
Centuries ago, men and women would be separated from each other for months upon months with love letters sent by post as the only means of communication. Yet, the bond between the couple remained and the romance kindled by their sweet nothings written on the pages. Fast forward to the 21st century, in general long distance relationships are frowned upon and greeted with a cynical attitude. It is believed impossible to maintain a romance from a distance despite our increase in communications technology. Even with the technology, couples still find themselves dealing with the issue of the lack of physical contact. Can these factors be overcome and happiness be found even if couples are separated?
If there is any time that a long distance romance would work, it is in today's world. Couples can talk and see each other every day with Internet tools such as Skype and ooVoo, which provide chat functions with live video feed. You can have coffee and read the newspaper with each other as if you would if you were in the same place. Emails are the new age love letters which can be received within seconds. We even have the option for our emails to come in directly to our mobile phones that we can carry anywhere with us. This means your significant other can contact you at any given moment regardless of how many miles are between you. Imagine how convenient this would have been in the 18th century instead of waiting weeks on end for a single letter from your companion. However, a love letter sent by mail should not be forgotten either. The thought and care put into a handwritten letter should certainly help keep the romance alive in a far away romance.
The only thing that cannot be transferred through phone lines or web cams is human touch. This is perhaps what ends up driving the couples apart, not being able to have physical contact or show tangible affection. If the couple is apart for months, should they expect the other to be faithful when our human nature lies in following our physical desires? The boundaries must be set from the start to avoid miscommunication down the road. At the end of the day, physical action is nothing compared to the mental and emotional connections between the man and woman. Honesty, good communication, and laughter are just a few things that make a lasting romance, not what happens in the bedroom. If both cannot agree on the terms set, it is most likely best to cut their losses and move on. Only turmoil and hurt will follow if both partners do not agree on whether theirs will be an open or closed relationship. There is no set way to go about that. It can only be decided by those partners as to what works for them.
For a long distance relationship to truly be successful, at one point someone has to make the big gesture. The big gesture is usually the decision to close the gap and live in the same place. After all, what is the point if there wasn't some potential or possibility of taking it to that level of commitment? Why would a couple put themselves through the trials of long distance romance if not for the reality of their own happy ending one day? It's that little voice inside that said, "Don't let this one get away." Why not see where this road leads? The cynics will say it is a waste of time to chase the dream of love over states, countries, and continents. I say, listen to your heart and just live your life doing what makes you happy. If it makes you smile, then embrace it. If it starts to grow, then let it. Take one day at a time and have fun. Most importantly, don't be afraid to fall in love because life has handed you some obstacles. It will make it all the more worth it when you can look at those cynics and say, "Told you so."
"I don't want to live -- I want to love first and live incidentally..." -Zelda Fitzgerald, from one of her love letters to husband & author F.Scott Fitzgerald
If there is any time that a long distance romance would work, it is in today's world. Couples can talk and see each other every day with Internet tools such as Skype and ooVoo, which provide chat functions with live video feed. You can have coffee and read the newspaper with each other as if you would if you were in the same place. Emails are the new age love letters which can be received within seconds. We even have the option for our emails to come in directly to our mobile phones that we can carry anywhere with us. This means your significant other can contact you at any given moment regardless of how many miles are between you. Imagine how convenient this would have been in the 18th century instead of waiting weeks on end for a single letter from your companion. However, a love letter sent by mail should not be forgotten either. The thought and care put into a handwritten letter should certainly help keep the romance alive in a far away romance.
The only thing that cannot be transferred through phone lines or web cams is human touch. This is perhaps what ends up driving the couples apart, not being able to have physical contact or show tangible affection. If the couple is apart for months, should they expect the other to be faithful when our human nature lies in following our physical desires? The boundaries must be set from the start to avoid miscommunication down the road. At the end of the day, physical action is nothing compared to the mental and emotional connections between the man and woman. Honesty, good communication, and laughter are just a few things that make a lasting romance, not what happens in the bedroom. If both cannot agree on the terms set, it is most likely best to cut their losses and move on. Only turmoil and hurt will follow if both partners do not agree on whether theirs will be an open or closed relationship. There is no set way to go about that. It can only be decided by those partners as to what works for them.
For a long distance relationship to truly be successful, at one point someone has to make the big gesture. The big gesture is usually the decision to close the gap and live in the same place. After all, what is the point if there wasn't some potential or possibility of taking it to that level of commitment? Why would a couple put themselves through the trials of long distance romance if not for the reality of their own happy ending one day? It's that little voice inside that said, "Don't let this one get away." Why not see where this road leads? The cynics will say it is a waste of time to chase the dream of love over states, countries, and continents. I say, listen to your heart and just live your life doing what makes you happy. If it makes you smile, then embrace it. If it starts to grow, then let it. Take one day at a time and have fun. Most importantly, don't be afraid to fall in love because life has handed you some obstacles. It will make it all the more worth it when you can look at those cynics and say, "Told you so."
"I don't want to live -- I want to love first and live incidentally..." -Zelda Fitzgerald, from one of her love letters to husband & author F.Scott Fitzgerald
Thursday, April 1, 2010
a spectacle, you say? nah ;)
• S: (n) serendipity - good luck in making unexpected and fortunate discoveries
I believe that 90% of the time when fate decides to throw something great our way, we tend to go with the whole "if it's too good to be true..." mentality. So, I have a huge respect for that other 10% when people take a chance and realize that nothing worthwhile is ever gained without risk. The same people who claim these risk takers are crazy are the same people who miss out on their own serendipity. If you ignore fate long enough, she might stop coming around. Be bold in those choices in your heart that may seem irrational but just feel right. As I've said before, our heads don't know how to feel which is why we were given hearts. Logic must sometimes be tossed aside to follow that little voice that says, "This one." Choose your love and love your choice. Listen not to the naysayers because in the end, it only matters what you think and know. They say timing is everything, so make the most of those timely discoveries that are willing to show you a whole new world...maybe even a world that could hold your ever after. As Jill A. Davis said, "Happy endings aren't for cowards." Be brave and never compromise when it comes to your heart's desire.
*Dedicated to Mr. & Mrs. Matthew Sayer - March 26, 2010
I believe that 90% of the time when fate decides to throw something great our way, we tend to go with the whole "if it's too good to be true..." mentality. So, I have a huge respect for that other 10% when people take a chance and realize that nothing worthwhile is ever gained without risk. The same people who claim these risk takers are crazy are the same people who miss out on their own serendipity. If you ignore fate long enough, she might stop coming around. Be bold in those choices in your heart that may seem irrational but just feel right. As I've said before, our heads don't know how to feel which is why we were given hearts. Logic must sometimes be tossed aside to follow that little voice that says, "This one." Choose your love and love your choice. Listen not to the naysayers because in the end, it only matters what you think and know. They say timing is everything, so make the most of those timely discoveries that are willing to show you a whole new world...maybe even a world that could hold your ever after. As Jill A. Davis said, "Happy endings aren't for cowards." Be brave and never compromise when it comes to your heart's desire.
*Dedicated to Mr. & Mrs. Matthew Sayer - March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
shotgun
I am not an option. I am not a multiple choice question. I am not an essay question you get to study for. I am not a take home test that you can bring back on Monday. I am not a final exam that determines whether you pass or fail. I am not a survey to be used for evaluation. I don't come with a warning label. I don't have an advisory to forecast the future.
Being with me is unpredictable and risky. It means taking a chance. It's realizing that every day won't be a bed of roses. Every day won't be sunshine and rainbows. Some days will be like a hurricane with wild winds and hard rain. I will rage like a storm when the world gets to be too much. I will take it out on you when I don't know what else to do. Sometimes there will be damage left behind. But if you can wait for that calm after the storm, it will make you remember why you chose to be by my side. The not knowing is scary. I know, but here's a secret for you. I'm scared too. I forgot to bring my weather gear when you blew into my life. I wasn't ready for you, but I recovered quickly. Because nobody wants to miss a good storm.
I am unlike any woman you have ever met. I'm anything but typical. I refuse to be normal. I say what I feel and laugh when I want to, even if it's at the wrong time. I am unforgettable and believe me when I say that I will leave an impression whether you stick around or not. I suffer from a lack of patience and a country girl upbringing. I am not scared of being alone, but I don't like being lonely. I deny wearing my heart on my sleeve yet that's the only way I know how to love. I can make you smile even if the world has just crumbled all around us. I don't know how to do anything unless I am passionate about it. I am afraid of being happy. I am honest even when it's against my better judgement. I act like I can take care of myself, but it's only an act. I want you to take care of me and I will take care of you. I know how to be everything you'll ever need. All I need is the chance to show you.
I am a woman who is worth your time. I should be a priority, without any question. I will not change who I am. I will grow over time, but my core identity is rock solid and cannot be shattered. My pride is unshakable and is sometimes responsible for my biggest mistakes. I've been known to be a big disappointment. It's the last thing I ever want to do to you, so it's only fair that I warn you of that. The worst thing you could ever do to me is make me look like a fool. I find it hard to recover from a bruised ego because I never want you to see me as anything less than perfect.
This is who I am. I don't expect you to like every single thing, but I do expect you to respect my individuality, as I do yours. Life with me is anything but boring. I don't think about the destination. I live in the moment. I live for the ride. Are you ready to sit shotgun? Or will you be left behind?
Being with me is unpredictable and risky. It means taking a chance. It's realizing that every day won't be a bed of roses. Every day won't be sunshine and rainbows. Some days will be like a hurricane with wild winds and hard rain. I will rage like a storm when the world gets to be too much. I will take it out on you when I don't know what else to do. Sometimes there will be damage left behind. But if you can wait for that calm after the storm, it will make you remember why you chose to be by my side. The not knowing is scary. I know, but here's a secret for you. I'm scared too. I forgot to bring my weather gear when you blew into my life. I wasn't ready for you, but I recovered quickly. Because nobody wants to miss a good storm.
I am unlike any woman you have ever met. I'm anything but typical. I refuse to be normal. I say what I feel and laugh when I want to, even if it's at the wrong time. I am unforgettable and believe me when I say that I will leave an impression whether you stick around or not. I suffer from a lack of patience and a country girl upbringing. I am not scared of being alone, but I don't like being lonely. I deny wearing my heart on my sleeve yet that's the only way I know how to love. I can make you smile even if the world has just crumbled all around us. I don't know how to do anything unless I am passionate about it. I am afraid of being happy. I am honest even when it's against my better judgement. I act like I can take care of myself, but it's only an act. I want you to take care of me and I will take care of you. I know how to be everything you'll ever need. All I need is the chance to show you.
I am a woman who is worth your time. I should be a priority, without any question. I will not change who I am. I will grow over time, but my core identity is rock solid and cannot be shattered. My pride is unshakable and is sometimes responsible for my biggest mistakes. I've been known to be a big disappointment. It's the last thing I ever want to do to you, so it's only fair that I warn you of that. The worst thing you could ever do to me is make me look like a fool. I find it hard to recover from a bruised ego because I never want you to see me as anything less than perfect.
This is who I am. I don't expect you to like every single thing, but I do expect you to respect my individuality, as I do yours. Life with me is anything but boring. I don't think about the destination. I live in the moment. I live for the ride. Are you ready to sit shotgun? Or will you be left behind?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The "Romance is Dead" Reload
Almost a year ago, I penned a little diddy titled, "Romance is Dead" and it can be found here. While the year that followed that didn't disprove my theory, I find I need to give an updated version. Romance isn't dead; it has been reincarnated to suit a new generation. While I scoffed at the lack of romantic gestures, I have discovered it had more to do with the men I was choosing and my own lack of looking for the small stuff. We have to make our own definition of what gives us those stomach flutters and it is up to us to define it to our mate if they aren't quite filling our romance quota.
The days of lovesick poetry and handwritten love letters have taken their downfall. Yet, they have been replaced with inside jokes shared through text messages and twitterpated inspired Facebook updates. At first glance, these things don't seem like they can live up to the "old school" tricks of romance, but these new age gestures bring a smile just as easily. Afterall, if you consider the fact that when you receive a text message, you know exactly when that person is thinking of you. Love letters may have the "I think of you all the time" comment but the text message provides us with proof of the fact. Not to mention that silly grin and butterflies you get when you receive an unexpected text from the person you're digging. On that same note, those butterflies are what is felt when we receive the text message, so imagine the opposite when we don't hear from the person we like. Yeah, doesn't sound very fun, does it? So, don't be a jerk! Even if you're busy, just a text to say hi is better than nothing.
Some romantic gestures are timeless and consider this your hint, boys. I don't care what a girl says, we love flowers. It's one of those things that is often seen in movies and rarely in life. The spontaneous flower delivery is, of course, awesome. We will still be just as happy to receive them on our birthday or some other special occasion, such as to celebrate a job promotion. It's the thought that counts though, so don't even think about going with roses. Think of flower giving as a way to show off your creativity and try to pick something you think we'd like (instead of going for the obvious "old school" choice of roses.) I don't want to hear any complaints about how expensive flowers are either. My high school sweetheart once pulled over on the side of the road without saying a word, jumped out of the car, and came back with a handful of wildflowers. Best bouquet I have ever received, hands down.
If romance can be reincarnated, then it can also be of a karmic nature as well. So, remember how we treat others in relationships may very come back to bless or haunt us depending on our own actions. It couldn't hurt to improve your love karma by using a few of the above gestures mentioned. At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who makes us smile. Maybe if we learn to make our someone smile first, it will make it easier for them to return the favor. I once read a quote that said, "One does all the work, while the other does all the smiling." I used to believe that, but I think maybe it's time for my own romance reincarnation. If both partners aren't smiling, I see no reason why they should screw up their karma if they're clearly not happy together. As the Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." I believe both partners must balance the workload for both to smile. If both are keeping the relationship karma at an even keel then perhaps they will discover their own way to keep the romance alive.
The days of lovesick poetry and handwritten love letters have taken their downfall. Yet, they have been replaced with inside jokes shared through text messages and twitterpated inspired Facebook updates. At first glance, these things don't seem like they can live up to the "old school" tricks of romance, but these new age gestures bring a smile just as easily. Afterall, if you consider the fact that when you receive a text message, you know exactly when that person is thinking of you. Love letters may have the "I think of you all the time" comment but the text message provides us with proof of the fact. Not to mention that silly grin and butterflies you get when you receive an unexpected text from the person you're digging. On that same note, those butterflies are what is felt when we receive the text message, so imagine the opposite when we don't hear from the person we like. Yeah, doesn't sound very fun, does it? So, don't be a jerk! Even if you're busy, just a text to say hi is better than nothing.
Some romantic gestures are timeless and consider this your hint, boys. I don't care what a girl says, we love flowers. It's one of those things that is often seen in movies and rarely in life. The spontaneous flower delivery is, of course, awesome. We will still be just as happy to receive them on our birthday or some other special occasion, such as to celebrate a job promotion. It's the thought that counts though, so don't even think about going with roses. Think of flower giving as a way to show off your creativity and try to pick something you think we'd like (instead of going for the obvious "old school" choice of roses.) I don't want to hear any complaints about how expensive flowers are either. My high school sweetheart once pulled over on the side of the road without saying a word, jumped out of the car, and came back with a handful of wildflowers. Best bouquet I have ever received, hands down.
If romance can be reincarnated, then it can also be of a karmic nature as well. So, remember how we treat others in relationships may very come back to bless or haunt us depending on our own actions. It couldn't hurt to improve your love karma by using a few of the above gestures mentioned. At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who makes us smile. Maybe if we learn to make our someone smile first, it will make it easier for them to return the favor. I once read a quote that said, "One does all the work, while the other does all the smiling." I used to believe that, but I think maybe it's time for my own romance reincarnation. If both partners aren't smiling, I see no reason why they should screw up their karma if they're clearly not happy together. As the Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." I believe both partners must balance the workload for both to smile. If both are keeping the relationship karma at an even keel then perhaps they will discover their own way to keep the romance alive.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can You Read My Poker Face?
When I was a kid, I learned to play poker with my cousin. He and I would bet with pennies and pieces of candy in my grandma's living room. We spent countless summers playing seven card draw. We both attended the same college and the same poker nights where Texas Hold 'Em was the new rage. As I got older, I learned gambling is not just for the poker table. One of life's riskiest games is the one we play while trying to find a perfect companion. While I can read a bluff sitting at the card table, I am the worst read on players in the game of love.
The love game is full of players with different strategies and various faces they bring to the table. When it's time to ante up, it's time to find out what you and they are made of. So, you throw your chips in and wait for some callers, or suitors in love's case. Some will fold, some will call your bet, and some will raise the stakes. This is where the risk comes into play. Are you holding a good hand, or is it a gamble with a hand that's open-ended?
Consider dating as the flop in Texas Hold 'Em. This is where the game starts. You have three cards dealt to help your cause, such as mutual friends, common interests, and let's face it...hormones. During this round of betting, a few players will fold. Perhaps their cards can't hold up anymore when faced with the above three factors and they cut their lost causes. Next is the turn, or rather the turning point after you've been dating for over 3 months. After 3 months of dating, if that chemistry is still alive you move into relationship status. The players check to each other and decide to give this relationship a chance. The next gamble for the players is with their hearts.
It's time for the river, the last and final card of the hand. This card represents what I like to call the spark. The spark is responsible for whether you take that plunge and fall in love. The stakes are high to say the least. A lot rides on that final card because it can make or break the cards in a player's hand. So, now you have to decide what to bet? If the spark is there, it's time to throw all in and let it ride. Even if you're holding a full house, you still don't know what else is out there that might have you beat.
When you decide to shove all in, your biggest bet is your heart. And you sit and wait for the other players to call. Your all in bet will take anyone out of the pot who didn't catch the spark on the river. As for those who did catch that spark, it looks like your all in bet has been called. Sometimes you take a bad beat and the other player ends up with four of a kind [or perhaps four other girls on the side.] Sometimes you've got the winning hand but in love, you lose that other player. Some players are intimidated with a player who isn't afraid to risk it all to win.
If I had my choice for the perfect all in, I'd like to see a split pot. The river card comes, the cards are shown, and you discover both players were holding cards that will win the hand. It's the only way for both to win and the only way you win with a love pot. There are no losers with a split pot...only winners who walk away with what they put in. Being able to put in everything you've got, which in this case means your heart, and walk away a winner seems like a pretty good "deal" to me.
"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards." - Oscar Wilde
The love game is full of players with different strategies and various faces they bring to the table. When it's time to ante up, it's time to find out what you and they are made of. So, you throw your chips in and wait for some callers, or suitors in love's case. Some will fold, some will call your bet, and some will raise the stakes. This is where the risk comes into play. Are you holding a good hand, or is it a gamble with a hand that's open-ended?
Consider dating as the flop in Texas Hold 'Em. This is where the game starts. You have three cards dealt to help your cause, such as mutual friends, common interests, and let's face it...hormones. During this round of betting, a few players will fold. Perhaps their cards can't hold up anymore when faced with the above three factors and they cut their lost causes. Next is the turn, or rather the turning point after you've been dating for over 3 months. After 3 months of dating, if that chemistry is still alive you move into relationship status. The players check to each other and decide to give this relationship a chance. The next gamble for the players is with their hearts.
It's time for the river, the last and final card of the hand. This card represents what I like to call the spark. The spark is responsible for whether you take that plunge and fall in love. The stakes are high to say the least. A lot rides on that final card because it can make or break the cards in a player's hand. So, now you have to decide what to bet? If the spark is there, it's time to throw all in and let it ride. Even if you're holding a full house, you still don't know what else is out there that might have you beat.
When you decide to shove all in, your biggest bet is your heart. And you sit and wait for the other players to call. Your all in bet will take anyone out of the pot who didn't catch the spark on the river. As for those who did catch that spark, it looks like your all in bet has been called. Sometimes you take a bad beat and the other player ends up with four of a kind [or perhaps four other girls on the side.] Sometimes you've got the winning hand but in love, you lose that other player. Some players are intimidated with a player who isn't afraid to risk it all to win.
If I had my choice for the perfect all in, I'd like to see a split pot. The river card comes, the cards are shown, and you discover both players were holding cards that will win the hand. It's the only way for both to win and the only way you win with a love pot. There are no losers with a split pot...only winners who walk away with what they put in. Being able to put in everything you've got, which in this case means your heart, and walk away a winner seems like a pretty good "deal" to me.
"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards." - Oscar Wilde
Monday, February 15, 2010
Fearless
Five years ago on Valentine's Day, I came home to pink roses, hundreds of tea light candles, and a delicious meal all cooked by my then-boyfriend. That's the last time I received any Valentine's Day present worth talking about. He is also the last and only serious relationship I have had in my adult life. Today, I told him if we hadn't gotten back together in the five years we were apart, then apparently we weren't too torn apart about being apart. About a month ago, I sent him a message telling him I had been thinking about him and what might have been. I told him I wanted to see him. I wanted to know if anything was still there. I left the ball in his court and said he should think about it. I had been waiting for his answer. Yet after sending that message, I freaked out. I asked myself where in the hell that came from and why now?
In hindsight, I already knew the answer. There is nothing there between the two of us. We lived. We loved. We learned. We did what every couple does and followed typical protocol when our interests went in separate directions. What I have been missing is not him, it's all the other stuff that came with having him as my boyfriend. I miss companionship, which makes me no different than the majority of the population. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I have had plenty of opportunities to date and have turned 99.9% of them down. While I have spent a lot of time teaching myself the difference between being alone and being lonely, I kind of missed the part where I've been playing the part of both back and forth. Why have I chosen this emotional ping pong game? Because I am scared of love. I am afraid of awkward moments, first dates which lead to self exposure to strangers, and most of all, hurting someone else's feelings if the spark just isn't there. I fear the unknown and learning to love again.
The biggest thing I am missing that I once had is fearlessness. I know it's hiding somewhere inside and that I once posessed this trait. I have plenty of stories about boys from yesterday when I fearlessly pursued them. Obviously, I did not end up with any of them but that didn't stop me from trying. So, what is stopping me now? When did I become a coward? It seems to have just snuck up on me. I've never been afraid of getting older unless it means that I lose the sense of fearlessness forever. I am not willing to part with that gift. It's time to regain that which has been lost.
The signs of destiny are sometimes subtle, but I've been too stubborn to look for any signs. I admire seredipity in books and movies, yet refuse it when it presents itself in my own life. Am I afraid of my own possible fairy tale? My life seems to be standing still and it's because I don't take chances anymore (not just in love, but in everything.) The wheel of fortune is waiting for me to take a spin and perhaps it's time to do that without doubt.
After all, according to poet James Russell Lowell, "Fate loves the fearless."
In hindsight, I already knew the answer. There is nothing there between the two of us. We lived. We loved. We learned. We did what every couple does and followed typical protocol when our interests went in separate directions. What I have been missing is not him, it's all the other stuff that came with having him as my boyfriend. I miss companionship, which makes me no different than the majority of the population. However, I have no one to blame but myself. I have had plenty of opportunities to date and have turned 99.9% of them down. While I have spent a lot of time teaching myself the difference between being alone and being lonely, I kind of missed the part where I've been playing the part of both back and forth. Why have I chosen this emotional ping pong game? Because I am scared of love. I am afraid of awkward moments, first dates which lead to self exposure to strangers, and most of all, hurting someone else's feelings if the spark just isn't there. I fear the unknown and learning to love again.
The biggest thing I am missing that I once had is fearlessness. I know it's hiding somewhere inside and that I once posessed this trait. I have plenty of stories about boys from yesterday when I fearlessly pursued them. Obviously, I did not end up with any of them but that didn't stop me from trying. So, what is stopping me now? When did I become a coward? It seems to have just snuck up on me. I've never been afraid of getting older unless it means that I lose the sense of fearlessness forever. I am not willing to part with that gift. It's time to regain that which has been lost.
The signs of destiny are sometimes subtle, but I've been too stubborn to look for any signs. I admire seredipity in books and movies, yet refuse it when it presents itself in my own life. Am I afraid of my own possible fairy tale? My life seems to be standing still and it's because I don't take chances anymore (not just in love, but in everything.) The wheel of fortune is waiting for me to take a spin and perhaps it's time to do that without doubt.
After all, according to poet James Russell Lowell, "Fate loves the fearless."
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Only Exception
"...if they say nothing lasts forever, then what makes love the exception?"
Everything runs its course eventually. The idea that there is one person for us to be with forever is absurd to me. I think this idea has only led most of us searching for this "one" and finding ourselves completely bummed out when we haven't found them yet. Instead we are missing the significance of all our little loves while waiting for the big one. What if there is no big "one" for some of us? What if we aren't meant to find one person because we are meant to inspire and love many?
It has recently occurred to me that my own commitment issues stem from the very thought that I don't want to choose the wrong "one" and miss out on this so-called Mr. Right. So, instead of committing to the wrong choice and risking possible heartache, I have refused to choose at all. Or I just keep choosing all the wrong options because I know full well they are going nowhere. I have been playing it safe with my heart for a very long time now. I doubt I would even be able to give it away at this point after keeping it protected for so long. Over the years, I have somehow learned to compartmentalize my heart, keeping some people locked in there just in case. Others have a place there because the moments and time I shared with them are just too amazing to cast away as casual occurrences. What can I say? I am a true hopeless romantic. I romanticize the most about the people that I am least likely to end up with...the hopeless choices...the lost causes. I find myself more enamored with the ones I spent the least amount of time with, or more accurately with the ones who were never meant to stay.
Maybe I wasn't actually playing it safe, but playing the part I am meant to play. What if I'm one of those who never settles because I'm not meant to do that. I'm not meant to tie myself to one person because I'm supposed to be a muse of sorts. Over the course of my adult life, I have met many amazing men who I obviously did not settle down with. The majority of those men have found their happy ending with another, yet I know I was a helpful stepping stone to get them there. I realize some who read this won't agree, or will find it as a pessimistic way to look at things. I don't see it that way at all. The older I get, the more obvious it is to me that I'm not meant to settle. I don't think I could. Sure, I get lonely sometimes and think it would be nice to have a warm body to sleep beside each night. Then, I remind myself of those nights when I really like climbing into bed, stretching out, and not worrying about anybody stealing the covers.
So, in the span of forever, what DOES make love the exception? I guess I'll know when I find it. [Kudos to those who already have...you're what we like to call "the lucky ones"] Until I join your ranks, there are a lot of other things for me to discover and experience in life that should keep me busy. Although, this hopeless romantic does have one exception that has been on her mind lately...maybe because he never stole the covers.
["Hey Ya" by Outkast song lyrics quoted above.]
Everything runs its course eventually. The idea that there is one person for us to be with forever is absurd to me. I think this idea has only led most of us searching for this "one" and finding ourselves completely bummed out when we haven't found them yet. Instead we are missing the significance of all our little loves while waiting for the big one. What if there is no big "one" for some of us? What if we aren't meant to find one person because we are meant to inspire and love many?
It has recently occurred to me that my own commitment issues stem from the very thought that I don't want to choose the wrong "one" and miss out on this so-called Mr. Right. So, instead of committing to the wrong choice and risking possible heartache, I have refused to choose at all. Or I just keep choosing all the wrong options because I know full well they are going nowhere. I have been playing it safe with my heart for a very long time now. I doubt I would even be able to give it away at this point after keeping it protected for so long. Over the years, I have somehow learned to compartmentalize my heart, keeping some people locked in there just in case. Others have a place there because the moments and time I shared with them are just too amazing to cast away as casual occurrences. What can I say? I am a true hopeless romantic. I romanticize the most about the people that I am least likely to end up with...the hopeless choices...the lost causes. I find myself more enamored with the ones I spent the least amount of time with, or more accurately with the ones who were never meant to stay.
Maybe I wasn't actually playing it safe, but playing the part I am meant to play. What if I'm one of those who never settles because I'm not meant to do that. I'm not meant to tie myself to one person because I'm supposed to be a muse of sorts. Over the course of my adult life, I have met many amazing men who I obviously did not settle down with. The majority of those men have found their happy ending with another, yet I know I was a helpful stepping stone to get them there. I realize some who read this won't agree, or will find it as a pessimistic way to look at things. I don't see it that way at all. The older I get, the more obvious it is to me that I'm not meant to settle. I don't think I could. Sure, I get lonely sometimes and think it would be nice to have a warm body to sleep beside each night. Then, I remind myself of those nights when I really like climbing into bed, stretching out, and not worrying about anybody stealing the covers.
So, in the span of forever, what DOES make love the exception? I guess I'll know when I find it. [Kudos to those who already have...you're what we like to call "the lucky ones"] Until I join your ranks, there are a lot of other things for me to discover and experience in life that should keep me busy. Although, this hopeless romantic does have one exception that has been on her mind lately...maybe because he never stole the covers.
["Hey Ya" by Outkast song lyrics quoted above.]
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)