Keep it simple.

Tonight, a group of people were discussing the issue of what it means to love someone or be in love with someone. The debate was which one was more important. It seems to me that just simply loving someone is definitely the better choice.

If you are capable of falling IN love with someone, then it is also possible to fall OUT of love with that person. So, why even bother worrying about being in love? Why not just love someone and be done with it? When you factor in the possibility of being in love then you invite the inevitable downfall of one day being out of love with said person. From my understanding, to love someone is to forget your own ego and to feel what you feel for them without expecting any reciprocation. As Emerson said, "To love is to be unselfish in every aspect of the way." Or something like that.

While being in love with someone may bring that silly giddiness, to truly love someone has greater rewards. To be able to put someone else before your own needs without knowing if you'll get the same in return seems much more honorable to me. We cannot choose who our hearts decide to love but I think we can choose who we fall in love with. Every single person has a brain which can reason whether or not we should care about certain people. Love isn't this uncontrollable thing that happens. We choose who we spend our time with and we can determine from that who is worth a piece of our hearts. Too often, we get ahead of our own hearts by "falling" for someone and usually falling too fast for the wrong reasons. Love takes time to develop. When people say they have fallen in love, I'd wager they have fallen into something but it ain't love. Not yet anyway.

-ldw

[Writer's note: I wrote this last month & didn't post it because I thought it needed more. After re-reading it tonight, I'm going with the original. I hope you like it.]

You need one

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane Howard

I'm a bit of a loner. Always have been actually. It's always hard for me to trust and let people in. Even the friends I let in, I keep them at a distance whether they realize it or not. My family has learned to accept my solo nature and it's by no fault of theirs that I'm not as close to them as most are with their families. My free spirit just doesn't quite connect perhaps because I am not ready to settle down. They've gotten married, had kids, and bought houses. None of those things are on my priority list yet. These days my priority list leans more towards self discovery.

Some may find this hard to believe since I may come off as a social butterfly when I'm out & about downtown. But, you can be surrounded by a hundred people and still feel alone when you're as guarded as I am. Lately, I have retreated even further into my hermit-ness as I evaluate the priorities in my life. This means also evaluating the people in my life too. Since I am more timid than most when it comes to trusting others, when I am choosing my "clan" it takes quite a bit of evaluating on my part. Mainly because one side of me is prideful enough to think I don't need anybody. But as Ms. Howard points out in a matter-of-fact way, everyone needs other people to count on.

The small network of confidants I call friends are proving to me more every day that it's okay to lean on others sometimes. It's a give and take because one day they'll need to lean on me. I try to be a good friend but I think my pride leads to the weakness of being fair weathered sometimes. This comes from a fear of opening up & then being hurt. It feels like a total cop out to say that because I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes. However, I am there for the people I care about when it matters most.

As much as I find it hard to believe, I guess I do actually have a "clan", a "tribe", a group of people that I will lay down and die for. And I do need them. As much as I'd like to deny it, I do need those friends that are there through the thick and the thin. At the end of the day, you know who you are if you're one of them. And if you have to question it for even a second, then sorry you're aren't one.  Maybe I don't say it or make it known as I should but I'm a big fan of my clan. I only hope that other people are fortunate enough to say the same. But not about my clan. Because they're mine! Obviously.

-ldw

Porch talk

I find that the cold air is clarifying. No man can touch me here. I am living without the burden of their rejection. My eyes are clear and my heart is stable. I sit outside looking out into the night and I'm at peace. With myself and my heart. I realize I am the owner of my feelings and no one controls that without my consent. I used to think I was too hard to let men in but it's become apparent that maybe men should step their game up. Show me that you're worthy of my heart. No games to be played.

Ouch.

That stupid, cliche thing happened. Someone asked about him. Why should it even matter? I have actually managed to go days (maybe even a whole week!) at a time without thinking about him now. Then, some random person that I apparently must have gushed about him to decided to bring him up. Great. Thanks.

Now I have to be the bigger person and say, "Oh, well we aren't actually together but he's doing good." [I assume. I wouldn't know.] "We're still on good terms." [I don't want to admit that I'm pathetic & he clearly has no time in his life anymore to even communicate with me.] "It just wasn't the right time." [Yeah, that timing excuse always makes for good denial.] Blah, blah, blah. Why am I making excuses for this person who broke my heart? Despite his actions, I cannot bring myself to say a bad word. Maybe I'm delusional or maybe I do actually understand that he's there and I'm here and that's no way to have any kind of relationship. The whole "star crossed lovers" thing is for kids. In reality, it just doesn't work. It can hold its own for a few months and then it fizzles like a firecracker. It's kind of like a firecracker that you held in your hand and tried to light, thinking you wouldn't burn yourself. Hmm...how'd that turn out? Ouch.

Okay, double ouch. There's a reason we light firecrackers and then run like hell. Why don't we use the same mentality with relationships? Maybe its because the spark is just so darn pretty. Even if it only lasts for a little bit, we still want to see it. We just have to wait to see that flash of pretty lights...that light that showers down and makes it all worth while.

But when that person asked about him, it felt like they lit a roman candle in the middle of my somewhat, almost recovered heart. Anybody got some duct tape? I hear it fixes most things.

-ldw

No Code Breaking Necessary

We are all familiar with the commonly used phrase of "girl code." This code of conduct varies depending on who you ask. Well, I've decided there is a reason it is called "girl" code because women do not need any code in order to be loyal to their friends. They just are. If a woman does something that hurts her friend, she will step up and apologize. Sometimes our pride may delay that apology but if it's a valuable friendship, the apology will always come. Everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. True friendship is able to maneuver through mistakes by forgiving and learning from those mistakes together. In most cases, these lessons strengthen friendships. However, if a woman finds herself constantly questioning the actions of her friend, it may be time to move on from that friendship. Or at least take a step back from the level of trust that has been put into it.

Trust is a relationship within itself and if it's absent in friendship, then what's the point? If a friend is lying to you, then they're not much a friend. Some may argue that there are certain situations that lying is acceptable to spare the feelings of their friend. This is true...if we're talking about girls. Girls also seem to believe that omitting information is not considering lying. These lessons of truth telling are learned as we get older which is why I say that girls haven't quite figured it out yet. Most women will agree that they had to learn the hard way with friends that omission is still betrayal and often times worse than an outright lie. I'm not judging girls because I know I used to be one. However, I am quite certain I paid my dues in the friendship screw up department and have learned how to be a loyal friend to the women I care about. I guess I've just lost my tolerance for girls and their silly antics. Antics, such as, trying to play the victim when you're the guilty party. Yeah, I used to play that game too. Then, I grew up. I grew up to find that while girl code needs to be defined, woman code is unspoken yet known between friends who truly care about each other. If you have to ask yourself if it was wrong, then it probably was. If you have to lie about what you're doing, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. And if you have to ask if your friend is mad at you, then you probably already know the answer.

    

Sharing is Caring

I think that we are here to share our lives. I believe in that. And even if you aren't sharing your life with someone at this moment, you are still sharing your life with yourself. [Hilary Swank]

Two months ago, I was sharing my life with someone. As it turns out, he wasn't really sharing his with me. I have learned that denial when one is in a one sided relationship brings a depression that I am not willing to endure just because I love someone. In the past, I have continued to care for those who I knew were lost causes for far longer than I should have. I suppose I did actually learn something from those because this time around, I was not willing to self inflict that kind of pain on myself again. Strangely enough, I care for this person more than anyone I have ever loved but I have trust that fate knows what it is doing by deciding this isn't the time for us to be together. So, I've decided to share my life with myself for the time being.

When I decided that I would share my life with myself, that was the easy part. Figuring out what that means exactly wasn't as easy. How did I define something that I had never done before? Well, I discovered you make it up as you go along. I have been making some changes in my life. Slowly weening myself off from going out almost every single night and trying to stay home more was the first on my list. (It's a work in progress...old habits die hard.) I have started exercising to feel better physically and teaching myself how to self-motivate by working out alone. (Nike Training Club is no joke, trust me.) I started reading the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert again. (I stopped reading it two months ago when disappointment and heartache replaced the commitment I thought I had to another.)

I have realized that sharing my life with myself is helping me to figure out all those parts of me that I need to understand before anyone else can. And in understanding that, I figured out that while I may not have the "relationship" I wanted with that certain someone, I kind of missed the point somewhere in there. I have been thinking in a "what about me" mentality instead of just being there for the person I care about. We have been communicating again recently and I thought it would be hard for me to do that without defining our "relationship." What I've found is that it isn't. Being able to talk to him again...to listen, to laugh, to smile, to be there even if only as a listening ear works for us right now. When I met him, I wrote a blog about how it worked because there were no expectations going into it. I forgot that too somewhere along the way.

So, I'm making a little room to share a bit of my life with him but I'm still focused on sharing the majority with me. Because while I'm okay with letting him back in, he isn't allowed to be a top priority until he's ready to give the same. And I think he's alright with that too.

-ldw

  

"...Life makes love look hard."

I never thought a Taylor Swift song would make so much sense but wow. I'm sure when life decides to hit us on all sides, we try to eliminate parts that we think we can do without. How stupid we are to think we can walk away from someone who makes us happy and offers us everything we've wanted and even the things we never knew we even needed. But that's the thing, life tricks us into thinking we can't be happy with someone and also deal with all of its shit. It doesn't tell us that the people who love us don't care if we get down on ourselves because of what it's throwing our way. The ones who love us don't even let the negative fade them. They just keep giving and supporting regardless of what life throw at them. Love creates a shield from all this. I'm not sure why life needs to teach us such hard lessons but I do know that life should know, I'm onto you. Stop scaring the man that wants to love me. Stop making him think he can't deal with you and have me too. That's not very nice of you, life. Because I have a feeling that your friend Fate isn't very happy with your decision to make this hard. Fate has been quite supportive lately with this, so you should come on board too. Please and thank you.

-ldw

the ride

I have a good friend who is a musician and one of my favorite songs of his is called Backseat Driver. Awhile ago, he told me the story behind that song. But, as songs go, we end up finding our own meanings behind the songs that we like and can relate to. For him, the song was about a girl he was into that happened to be into his friend at the time. As the chorus says, "Backseat driver, backseat love, I will take you either way." For me, I related to this song from the start because I feel as if most of my past connections have been situations where I was the person doing all the feeling. Often times I have found myself feeling more for someone who just isn't on the same page. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I have been content with it because I have never been one to hold back. I will risk the hurt if it means I am also risking to have feelings even if they won't be reciprocated. As I look back, this seems to be a very apparent pattern for my love life. Yet, I don't regret it. I will never be sorry for putting myself out there and feeling what a lot of people in life are scared to feel. I have loved and I have lost...more times than I'd like. BUT...I'm better for it in the long run.

It seems I have always been "burning both ends of the candle, yet I don't get no flame."  My hopes never reach their goal. I have never had the happy ending. My place has never been in the front seat. I have always been the girl in the back seat, watching while someone else drives away with my happy ending. However, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm sitting shotgun. Even in a situation that could take so many turns, I am the navigator of this journey. I feel like I am able to choose my path and that makes me so confident in this relationship. I am sitting shotgun and for once am not trying to figure out the destination. I am looking towards "the ride" and loving every minute. I'm not looking for the end because everything in between is what we will remember. Here's to the ride. We've got a lot of miles to go and I'm happy to be on this trip with him.

life unexpected...

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.” 

- Eli Khamarov

 Life is full of surprises. We meet people we never saw coming, but can't see our lives without them once they're here. We experience moments that seem too good to be true and yet start to show their significance in retrospect. That old cliche saying, "When you stop looking for it, you'll find it" might actually have some weight to it now. All the times we spent looking for someone or something, our minds and hearts had expectations for what that was "supposed" to be like. Except maybe our hearts don't really know what they need until it comes along. This is especially true if what comes along is something completely new to us. Our brains are quick to throw up the caution signs when the unexpected comes along. After all, if this has never happened to us before then it has to be bad, right? Somewhere along the way, the world has convinced us that happy endings don't actually exist. However, I'm keen to argue that only those happy endings which we held expectations for are the ones that fail. The key is to be open. Be open to the people and opportunities that life brings to you. Be open to the possibility that just because it hasn't happened before doesn't mean it isn't supposed to. Be open to the unexpected and you'll find that the world will start to open up for you. The only thing you should close is any expectations you have for what is going to make you happy. There is no way to know that before it happens. The same things that made you happy in the past are not likely to make you happy in the future. Over time, we change and grow. Our needs, desires, hopes, and dreams change with us. Our definition of happiness also changes and we try to shape our own reality around our idea of happiness. This is where the importance of openness comes in. Once we have created our meaning of happiness, we may dismiss someone or something because they don't seem to fit into our definition. There are times when we must remember that those things which we can't define might be exactly what we need.Or perhaps have been searching for all along...but of course, we didn't know it. That's the beauty of the unexpected. Be open to fate. She's pretty cool once you get to know her.

ldw

...just late night thoughts [3/30/12]

Often times we find ourselves using the phrase, "Timing is everything" in order to alleviate the irritation of not being able to get what we want. While the phrase is somewhat comforting, it is also a load of crap. Mainly because it only drives you more insane than the situation in question when you're making excuses for fate. As you ask yourself why certain things happen when they do, you should be realizing that not all questions in life should have an answer. Some things should just be. Let them happen and stop wondering their purpose. They're happening because fate has decided that's what's up for your life right now. Some moments are just inevitable. Go with it. These are the moments you'll look back on one day and smile at their greatness. Timing IS everything but the timing of things doesn't always need an explanation. Life will hand you the moments you need when you least expect them. Embrace those which make you smile and give you those warm fuzzy feelings. Most of life is just a matter of keeping time, so take advantage of the time that makes you believe that fate might actually be on your side. "'Cause it can happen so fast, or a little bit late...timing is everything."

ldw

I'm gonna say the word "relationship"... are you running yet?

I have spent the better part of my adulthood (if we can really call it that) being afraid of relationships. As I come closer to the big 3-0 in a year and a few months, I am finding that my priorities in regards to my love life are changing. No, my biological clock is not ticking. My need for something of substance is. I'm sick of trying so hard to be that laid back girl who isn't too needy just to make guys feel comfortable. Because seriously, I'm not needy but I do have needs. I should be able to ask for those needs to be met without feeling like every guy who hears about them thinking I'm a crazy clingy girl.

So, I'm just going to say it. I want a relationship with a man. Yes, I said that absolutely terrifying 4 syllabal word. RELATIONSHIP. I want to find companionship and comfort from another person. I want someone to tell my stories to. I want someone to say goodnight to and to say good morning to. I want someone to take care of and who will take care of me. I want an even measure of give and take. I'm not afraid of it anymore. It's time to stop settling for the ones who don't care to put in the effort. If you like me, then act like it. If you're digging me, then ask me out. No more of this, "Yeah, we're hanging out" business. Done with that! I'm no longer interested in playing games. I've played them...I know how it works and honestly, apparently I've lost them every time. So, games do nothing for me. They certainly don't turn me on.

You know what does turn me on? Someone who pays attention to who I am. Someone who sees my strengths and my weaknesses and accepts them without question. Someone who I can talk, kiss, argue, laugh, cry, and everything in between with and still know that no matter what, we will work through everything that life throws at us...together. I'm a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic except I think I can drop the -less and add a -ful. I am a hopeFUL romantic because I know these aren't demands that can't be met. I want someone who wants to be that person for me. If you do, great. If not, no harm no foul. We all have our own expectations for who we bring into our lives. I will never be mad at someone for not sharing mine as long as they're honest.

Last year, my new year resolution was no gray areas. This year, I say no more settling. And this time, I mean it.

-ldw