somewhere between crazy and lazy

As women, we are blessed with an indecisive nature. We change our minds on a daily (okay, sometimes hourly) basis. As soon as we get what we're after, we decide we want the opposite. We cut our hair short and then complain that we can't put it into a ponytail. We spend hours in dressing rooms trying to decide which shirt to buy, only to get home & say, "I should've bought the other one." Our worlds are a constant yin and yang of decisions. Heels or flats? Stay in or go out? Grey's Anatomy or Vampire Diaries? Hair straight or hair curly? And I could seriously go on and on.

Our most common choices of indecision usually involve the opposite sex. We can spend hours gabbing with our gal pals over what we want in a fellow companion. We spend even more hours complaining when the one we thought was Mr. Right turns into Mr. Everything We Thought He Wasn't. In general, there seems to be two categories that males fall into: crazy and lazy.

Let's start with Mr. Crazy. He is a master of charm and has perfected the art of a great first impression. He is the guy we meet and say, "Wow, where did this guy come from?" Upon your initial meeting, he is attentive and asks you about yourself. He listens to your stories and lets you ramble on, allowing you to stroke your own ego. He gushes with compliments and you let it slide that most of them are kind of cheesy. He appears to be one of those male characters out of those silly romantic comedies that we balk at but secretly wish would mirror our own lives. You are so busy with stars in your eyes, you don't see the crazy idiot hiding inside this guy. Before you know it, your phone has text message overload from this seemingly normal person who apparently doesn't realize that you haven't responded to his last 10 messages because you are at work trying to make a living like every other person in the world. Forgive me, Mr. Crazy, if my world cannot revolve around you every second of every day. He turns into your typical stage 5 clinger and you realize that he is acting like most of the girls that your guy friends complain about. Mr. Crazy is the best wake up call ever to encourage you not to be "that girl."

Now, let's jump over to the opposite end of the spectrum and meet Mr. Lazy. Ladies find themselves drawn to Mr. Lazy because you always want what you can't have. Except he isn't playing hard to get as most of us perceive...he's just not that hard pressed to impress us at all. His aloofness is only more of a turn on because let's face it, women love a challenge. He is the guy whose life doesn't revolve around chasing women and this is attractive to us because most of the men who are chasing us turn into Mr. Crazy. Mr. Lazy is a good, decent guy and would be amazing boyfriend material if he wanted to put in the effort to have a girlfriend. Usually, these guys choose to stay away from relationships because they just don't want to put in the work. I can't say I blame them but surely they get tired of having to fend off the females who are getting all googly eyed over them. We chase the lazy ones and the crazy ones chase us. Go figure.

So, if you ask me what I consider boyfriend material, it's somewhere between crazy and lazy. I want attentive but not overbearing. Charming but not cheesy. I don't need a hundred text messages a day, but one or two to say you're thinking of me will make me smile. I don't need to be impressed with fancy gifts or dinner at expensive restaurants because being yourself and wanting to get to know me is impressive enough. Be genuine with your compliments and never tell me something just because you *think* I want to hear it. I want honesty and loyalty which really don't take that much work if you mean them. Oh, and a good kisser is a must no matter how crazy or lazy you are. ;)

-ldw

pick up a dictionary, fellas!

chivalry [chiv·al·ry] - noun
- the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

          It has come to my recent attention that while I had hoped it was only hibernating, chivalry is in fact dead. There seems to be a lack of knights in our generation riding any white horses and sweeping us off our feet. I have decided that from now on when I meet a guy, I will give him a copy of the dictionary. The page containing the definition for chivalry will be dog earred and the definition itself highlighted. I would like to be optimistic in thinking I would not have to be that obvious, however recent events has proven to me that giving any man the benefit of the doubt is naive on my part.
          For a man to show courtesy, it is a simple matter of being polite. I did not realize having manners was such a challenge these days. We're in the South, guys, so I know your mamas taught you those growing up. Although some of your mamas would be ashamed of you if they saw the way you treated the ladies. Forget the woman's movement and realize that just because we are independent women now doesn't mean we aren't tickled pink when a man opens a car door or helps us put on our jacket. Little gestures truly make all the difference to us and it certainly separates the men from the boys...or should I say the knights from the squires?
          Generosity is certainly a quality to be valued in a potential partner. Don't let the big word scare you...it only means to be kind. If I am curious about the level of a male's kindness, I look at the way he treats those around him and how they react to him. I'm not talking about how he is with his friends either. Those are the same idiots who holler out, "Bros over hos" as if we females really appreciate that popular catchphrase. Clean up your language and be mindful of the terms you use when referring to us. That act of kindness alone could start earning males a better reputation with us.
          I suppose valor is a little harder to define in our day and age. In the times of knights, it meant to show courage on the battlefield. I would be a bit more impressed with a man who knew that avoiding violence showed a stronger character. No girl wants a hothead that loses his temper and uses his fists as solutions to petty problems. I am going to let you in on a really big secret for those guys who think that fighting makes you look like a macho man... 9 times out of 10, it makes you look like an idiot. For us, it's embarrassing to be with a man who can't control his temper. Ever heard that saying, "It takes a stronger man not to fight." It isn't referring to your physical strength; it's referring to a strong mind. I'm pretty sure most ladies would agree that they'd rather have an intelligent companion than a caveman. Some girls might be impressed by a man who is seemingly defending her honor, but I think you'll find that WOMEN do not tolerate this behavior. Grow up and learn how to use words to solve a situation instead of your fist.
          As for dexterity of arms...well, let's just say that just because you know how to use your "sword" doesn't mean you have the right to go swinging that thing wherever you want to. I could go in so many different directions with this metaphor, but I feel like it would deserve an entire blog itself. Moving on...
          I am well aware that there are still a few "knights" out there looking for their own lady in waiting. This lady in waiting needs to stop hanging out with squires when she knows she deserves better. I will admit to my own fault in this dilemma of not demanding more from said squires. In the meantime, I'm looking on eBay for a chastity belt. I think those gals might have been on to something with that.

[LDW]  

Love > Everything

Love it, change it, or leave it.

This afternoon I had an insightful conversation with a very nice German man. This happens to me often in life due to my social butterfly nature. I never meet a stranger and can usually strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. It is from these random great conversations that I walk away with new outlooks on life and such. After he allowed me to chatter on about life for longer than most would, he stopped me and said, "I want to tell you something that is the one rule in life you should go by above everything else. Love it, change it, or leave it."

I have been known to throw my heart into things when most would say I shouldn't. I, however, believe that everyone should fall in love with as many things as they can when they can. Most people go through life being too scared to do that and I will never be one of those people. Perhaps it is the "change it" part that I struggle with. I hold such high expectations for those things that I love and want them to just be right. I seem to forget that sometimes to make what we love right we have to make the effort for it to be the way we want it. That means changing your circumstances to get what you want.

How do we determine whether what we love is worth the change? We can't. It's always going to be a guessing game as to whether the choice we make for love will be worth it in the end. If we aren't willing to even chance the change, then we should leave it. Because loving something and resisting the change to make it right is pointless. And who has time for lost causes? They say, "Practice what you preach" but I know even as I write this that the "leave it" part has always been my weakness. It doesn't matter if my brain says, "Love it, change it, or leave it" because my heart will always win. I can't leave anything that my heart goes after. I'd rather it leave me. I'll take that hurt over being the one who walks away and wonders "What if?" Yet, if I'm not willing to change it for my benefit then why am I loving it at all? Am I only punishing myself to love something I know can never change? Perhaps. But, I'll take the pain in exchange for all the other ways it makes me happy. The love is greater than everything else. The love is the spark inside that I turn to when everything else is going wrong. Even if that's wrong, at least it gives me the hope I need to get through each day.

So, despite the great advice from the German, there are some things I love that I refuse to leave even if I'm not able to change them. If that makes me a fool, then I'm okay with that. At least for now.

-ldw

image of desire...

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them." - Anais Nin

We long for others to see us, accept us, and love us for who we are. Yet, often times we do not give them the same courtesy. We see a person the way we want to see them. Particularly if we are attracted to them, we see a created persona and sometimes that is not at all what that person is really made of. We feel a spark and hope the chemistry is mutual. So, we romanticize the simplest of gestures or actions into something they aren't. We confuse a passing glance, a brush of the hand, or a shared smile as something more than happenstance.
Every person comes to us as an untouched piece of marble. Like a sculptor, we survey the piece of marble before ever putting a chisel to it. We create in our minds what we want to make out of this person and this is perhaps our greatest flaw.

Once we realize a person may not appear to be who we thought they were, that's when we start to chip away carelessly. We become more desperate to mold them into our desired image we started with. We can only live inside our own heads for so long until reality sets in and that person shows us their true image. It isn't usually their fault. It's ours for letting our imaginations get the best of us. I doubt it's a habit we can overcome, especially if you're a romantic like me. Because I always have the hope that one day that image I create for my object of desire will fit him perfectly....that my ideal piece of marble can be carved to reveal what I've been looking for all along.

Alas, we find ourselves disappointed. Because at the end of the day, who can really satisfy our ideal image? No one. We have to see and accept others for what they are or else we'll never be happy. But isn't that what love is supposed to be like? Accepting someone for exactly who they are and loving them anyway. Once we learn to do that, I think we'll find that things will fit more perfectly than we had previously thought they could. If we are to be sculptors, then we should just start chiseling away to get to the core. Discover everything you can about your "piece of marble" and see if it's a project worth pursuing. There's no room for disappointment when there's beautiful art to be made.

-ldw

What if you're wrong? What if, just this once, life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses? - Grey's Anatomy

The dirty mistress. She's the woman most others are afraid of. She can instill doubt and second guessing with a mere sly smile in the right direction. Most times, it isn't her that even makes the first move. She simply responds to the signs being thrown her way. She doesn't go looking to steal another woman's man, but she doesn't decline the interest if she feels it too. She gets a bad wrap most days. I'm sure most women would choose other nasty words for her...whore...slut...homewrecker. Funny, those same women don't seem to use those words for their significant other.

So, the dirty mistress takes all the blame. She is portrayed as the little pathetic lovesick puppy who is pining after a man who is already spoken for. Except she ain't always the one doing the chasing. The dirty mistress sleeps alone more often than not, contrary to popular belief. She is a lady in waiting...but it is her choosing which isn't nearly as pathetic as one would have you believe. She gets to have her cake & eat it too. Who can ever understand what it's like to be the woman who sets a man free, but be the woman he can't handle in full? I suppose it's easier to be with someone who is accommodating. Is it easier for a man to be with a woman who isn't smart enough to see he isn't hers one hundred percent? I suppose it is. The dirty mistress knows all there is to know and still feels compelled to the man anyway. He would have trouble getting anything past her because she knows how he works. Is that why she can't take the main stage? She knows all his tricks. Sadly enough, he doesn't know all hers. She gives just enough to play her part, but never gives it all because she's too smart to be that vulnerable. She would never let her guard down when he isn't free from his ties.

The dirty mistress may or may not have a secret hope to one day call that man her own. But he'll never know for sure. Because once he knows, the interest of having a dirty mistress disappears. She becomes left behind and just some fun he had when he got bored with his current flame. Dirty mistresses never get the guy, but then again who would want these cheating bastards anyway? That is what all dirty mistresses realize soon enough and have the sense to walk away. So, ladies don't give the evil eye to the dirty mistress without also turning that gaze on your boyfriend. It takes two to tango and your man knows how to dance just as well as we do.

wiping the stars from my eyes...

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. - Anais Nin

I have just finished reading "Henry and June" by Anais Nin, which is essentially her journals she kept during her affair with famous writer Henry Miller. It chronicles not only the affair with Henry but also her many affections for other men in her life at that time. As I read this book, I found my own thoughts & feelings reflected in its pages. My admiration for this woman grew the more I read. It was as if she had walked around inside my own head and put those thoughts in print.

Over the past few years, I have found that I have the capacity to connect with many at the same time as well. Most of these relationships I have formed are ones that I knew could never be reality. I used to foolishly believe in so-called happy endings. I suppose I used to have stars in my eyes about them, but now I understand their boundaries. I see them realistically and am beginning to understand their purpose. So often in life, we meet others who we share connections with. Some of these last longer than others, but for the most part they all open us up to ourselves. As we share ourselves with another, they help us grow and expand who we are as people. Ironically, the ones who seem to understand me the most are the ones I know I could never have. These are my star crossed lovers. They are the ones who fate brings to me, but will never allow me to be with.

The biggest epiphany for me after reading Ms. Nin's book was that the purpose of the star crossed lovers is not to gain a happy ending. Their presence in my life is to make me see what I deserve and what I'm worth. All of these unattainable men have taught me about myself, seen me in ways I never saw myself. They see the woman inside of the girl who is still trying to grow up. These men treat me exactly as the quote at the top of the page. They are teaching me not to settle. This is the most valuable lesson I can get from them since I have always been prone to settle for less than I deserve. It comes from a part of me that I hide very well that is wrapped in insecurity and low self esteem. For the most part, I am a confident person but when it comes to my heart, I seem to think I don't deserve to be happy. I hate that nasty part of me because it is the reason I make foolish mistakes and selfish choices that hurt others.

So, no more false pretenses for what I want. I am wiping the stars from my eyes. I will see men that enter my life as they are and not as they are inside my head. As a hopeless romantic, I am quick to see the best and what I want in the object of my affection. I forget to see who they are, which often leads to my disappointment. No more settling. It is time to get what I give and if I'm giving my all, I expect the same in return. It's as simple as that.

-ldw

Such is Life

"C'est la vie" is a French phrase that I have heard many times in life however it wasn't until recently that I discovered the actual translation, which is "Such is life." My generation has coined the popular phrase, "It is what it is" to replace this old saying. It seems to me this is the phrase we utter when we get to the point where we no longer can or care to control situations in our lives. More often than not, most situations are beyond our control. Trying to control them only leads to more stress and anxiety. Who needs that? I certainly don't. I'm the world's worst worrier and over analyzer...and apparently a bit of a control freak I've noticed recently. The thing is most people don't want to be controlled or told what to do. Sometimes the best action is inaction. I'm pretty sure things may work out better when people are given the freedom to make their own choices without anyone trying to push them into making a decision.

So, I have reached my point of taking a deep breath and saying, "It is what it is." Life always has its own plans for us, regardless of the plans we make. I am tired of worrying about people and things that don't have the sense to worry about me too. Because of this pointless worrying, I have let my feelings get hurt time and time again. Although many times unintentional from the other parties involved, it still hurts just the same. I am my own worst enemy. But, such is life. Aren't we all?

Perhaps it's time to take advice from the famous psychologist Carl Jung and "Let things happen." They're going to happen anyway, so there is no need to put the energy into trying to change them. Of all the things we can't control, people are number one on that list. For some reason, we have all been given the false idea that we can control others. It's a smoke screen. Everyone is going to do what they want to do despite anyone else's advice or suggestions. So, I'll save my breath. I will take a step back and let life take its course. I am putting my trust in fate to make the right decisions. Let's see where this philosophy takes me. Okay, life...I give you the reins.

"Life loves to be taken by the lapels and told, 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'" - Maya Angelou

tempted.

There's a devil on my left and an angel on my right
perched on each shoulder, the devil whispers, "C'mon girl, seize the night."
The angel must been drinking from the same cup as me
because no one is talking me out of the temptation that I see
We can't go too far, but just enough to satisfy the lust
An innocent kiss or two is starting to feel like it's a must
I've been thinking about it for weeks
but held back just to see
I guess I was right all along
come on darlin', give in to me....
-ldw

[...we all know I never claim to be a poet, so don't judge too harshly.]





.

maybe insomnia isn't so bad...

"Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."

That's one of those anonymous quotes that you read & it just sticks with you. But, you don't really let it sink in when you first read it. It rolls over you, like, "Yeah, okay good advice." If you let it sink in, you'd realize how true it really is. It's easy to hide our feelings inside & never speak out loud what we really feel. Because that's safe. If we never say it, we never risk the backlash reaction that we're afraid of. Sure, staying in our safe little world doesn't hurt but shouldn't we risk for something that could be so much better? Don't we all want something that's worthwhile? Why would we want anything less? Even if we have to work harder to get what we want, won't that make it that much better if we get it? If it was easy to get, we wouldn't want it anyway. You can't truly appreciate something unless you've hurt a little to get it. Because without that bittersweet longing, you wouldn't know how good it felt when you finally get what you want. When you reach the "worthwhile" part, you'll be happier it wasn't easy. Because you'll know that you put in a good effort to get to where you are. That's how you know you deserve it.

-ldw

june 13th

I forgot what day it was. Only a few hours after midnight, it hit me. It was June 13th...a date that will always stand out for me. It was his day. I got distracted by my every day life, which I suppose is a sign of letting go. It's what you're supposed to do as time goes by. I crawled into bed telling myself it was okay to have forgotten because so much time has passed. I laid there unable to fall asleep though. Around 5AM, I got up, got dressed, and drove to my hometown. I played a CD with music from my teenage past and let the thoughts of him flow through my mind. I made perfect timing because the sun was rising just as I pulled up to the place where we laid him to rest 12 years ago. I sat on the marble bench at the foot of his grave and a breeze from nowhere tickled my hair. It might sound crazy but I know it was him.

I went to see him because June 13th is the one day of the year that I allow myself to grieve for the death of my first love and the life we shared while he was here. What hurts the most now is being unable to find anyone who can compare to what we had. Everyone called it puppy love, but at 16 years old, he knew more about how to love me than anyone I've met since. So, that's the part that makes me sad. I haven't found that kind of love again. I miss meaning the world to someone. I miss being the love of someone's life. I miss being the other half that makes a person complete. I miss that boy who at one time was going to be my happy ending. So, it might seem silly that I allow June 13th to upset me, but it's the day that reminds me of a love I can never get back. The hurt remains because I haven't found a love to replace it.

After the sun was all the way up, I brushed the tears from my cheeks & then brushed away the dirt from the stone at the head of his grave. I pressed my fingers to my lips and then onto the ground, like I always do when I'm leaving. Then, I drove back to my life. Later that night, I was at home when the clock went from 11:59 to 12:00 leaving June 13th behind for another year. Maybe this year, I'll find that love I'm always searching for. Some call me a hopeless romantic, but at least I'm hoping. Because I may throw my heart into things way too fast & way too often but it's because I know how rare it is to find. So, I go all in every chance I get because I once knew a boy who did the same. And if you could ask him if he regrets it, I know he'd give his trademark smirk and say, "Not a single day."

caution: hot surface

Remember when you were a kid and your parents warned you about touching a hot stove because you would burn yourself. If you were as curious and stubborn as I was, I'm sure you learned why the warning was given. All it took was one time of touching that hot eye and I knew better than to try it again. But, I had to feel the hurt from the fire to learn that on my own. 
As an adult, I'm still just as curious and stubborn (if not more so.) I still play with fire. Usually it's just to light my cigarette but sometimes it's to spark the interest of someone I know isn't good for me. I risk the burn to cure the curiousity. Perhaps it needs to hurt as much as touching the hot stove though because I certainly don't seem to learn my lesson. I get myself in more and more messes when it comes to my heart and never seem to be able to not repeat the same mistakes. I'm that kid that looks straight at you when you say, "Don't do that" and touches a hot stove just because you told me not to. I guess that's the cocky side of me that can't stand someone else telling me what's bad for me. I'm a second guesser and I can't deal with the "what if." I have to know for sure that something is going to blow up in my face. I might as well turn the gas on & light a match.

I wish some men came with "hot surface" indicators so I knew to be careful. Then again, it's usually their "hot surfaces" that distract me and cause me to touch now & think later. Maybe I just need some oven mitts for my heart. Then I might be able to feel the warmth I long for without the hurtful burn. For now, I'll just keep my hands off the hot surfaces. Those quick burns arent the ones that last. When it comes to my heart, I should be playing with matches anyway....after I turn off the stove, of course.

timing is everything.

Our lives are composed of moments. Some moments are milestones and define where we are at that time in our life. Some are smaller and don't seem as significant. Yet, I tend to think it's those tiny events that happen that we almost don't even notice which build into the milestones. A handshake and a kiss on each cheek can be a tiny spark that leads to a fire inside that won't be put out. Even when you thought you didn't put the right kindling and care into the fire, some embers are meant to keep glowing. That's the thing about almost letting the fire go out though, you have to work a bit harder to get it going again.

If you aren't used to feeling that fire, you might be scared of it at first. You might not be prepared for it. Timing is everything.   

In case of rapture...

If I woke up today and life as we know it was ending, I'd want the people I love to know what they mean to me. Our everyday lives tend to get hectic and we forget to tell our nearest and dearest how important they are. We take every day we spend with them for granted. We never think about how we'd feel if we never got the chance to say all the things we feel for them.


A few years ago, I became friends with an amazing group of people who brought me into their little circle of "burs." It was from them that I learned what true friendship is and that family isn't just the people who share your blood. It is because of them that I began to learn how to be a good friend and to accept myself as I am (instead of what I thought I was supposed to be.) I'm still a little rough around the edges, but they take me for who I am without judgement and complete support. They are honest when I need to hear it yet they don't look down on me when I screw up (which has been a lot lately.) I am lucky to have them in my life and certainly do not tell them enough.

When I was a freshman in college, fate sent me my best friend. We were kindred spirits from the start and that is why our friendship has lasted for 10 years now even from 500 miles away. We don't talk everyday and only get to see each other every few months but we pick up right where we left off every single time. Our paths crossed for a reason that summer day at freshman orientation and if I ever needed an example of true serendipity, I would refer to this friendship. We have seen the best and the worst of each other and it only strengthens our bond. There is no doubt in my mind that we will always be apart of each other's lives no matter where life takes us.

As for the family I share my blood with, I have always seemed to be the black sheep. At 28, I have not yet married nor do I have children (as 90% of family members my age do.) I am very independent and free spirited which has caused me to always feel distant from my kin. My personal goals don't seem to match theirs which I am okay with. I have no idea where I got my gypsy soul from because it certainly wasn't from any of them. They most likely think that I don't care but they're wrong. I care very much and am proud of what my family has accomplished as they continue to expand our legacy with families of their own. I am trying to find my own way in life and I hope they understand that. I may not be there all the time, but I'll always be there when it counts. I feel like my parents have finally accepted who I am yet still encourage me to grow into who I want to be. Growing up has had its ups and downs, but my parents seemed to know what they were doing (even when I didn't understand their reasoning.) I am thankful now for those hard lessons I had to learn from them because that is what makes certain life situations easy to take on now. It makes me love and respect them even more.

So there you have it. Those things I think and feel every day but rarely say out loud...in case of rapture.

-ldw

penny for my thoughts? or just my two cents...

It's easy to walk away. It's easier to say, "I don't care" [whether you mean it or not.] It's easiest to put on a fake smile and make everyone think you're fine.
It's hard to say, "I'm sorry." It's even harder to admit that you screwed up [big time.] It's hardest to ask for another chance.

How many times have we walked these paths in life? Usually we tend to lose our way. None of us were given a map, so it can be a bit of explore and see, from time to time. Sometimes we don't see clearly down one path...we see what we want to see and not what is really there. I never really understood the quote, "Love is blind." I know that it's supposed to mean that we ignore faults when we care for someone. But, maybe there's more to that. I think sometimes we close our eyes to happiness because we think it's too good to be true. We refuse to see love when it's in front of us because we never expected a happy ending to land in our laps.

So, we screw it up. We run away. We are afraid of that which could make all of our dreams come true. Why? Because as much as we'd like to believe that fairy tales are real...they aren't. The real world is much tougher and nobody gets their ever after without working for it. That's the part the fairy tales lack. Love might be blind but it sure as hell ain't easy. Trusting someone with your heart may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do in life. Because giving into that...I mean, really giving everything inside of you that matters to someone else, is downright scary. Especially if you aren't sure where they stand.

It's easy to make promises. It's harder to keep them. It's easier to to talk about love as if we understand it instead of just admitting how damn crazy it is. It's harder to convince someone that they're the reason you understand love after you screwed them over. The easiest thing to do is to not take any chances & live in a safe little bubble where no one can hurt you. The hardest thing is to let someone love you. Because if you do that, chances are, you'll love them back. And nothing about that is easy. But would you think it was worth it if it was? Probably not.

Wise Girls

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe

How do we become "a wise girl"? Females certainly struggle throughout young adulthood with what exactly we are supposed to do when it comes to love and relationships. As teenagers, the general female population has a large misconception of a fairy tale ending. After a couple heartbreaks, the average gal begins to see that Prince Charming usually ends up being a jerk. Is it our fault that we fall for these losers, or should we take it upon ourselves to smarten up when it comes to love?

We get our hearts broken. Sometimes we learn our lesson and sometimes we repeat these love mistakes. Men tell us that we are needy, obsessive, jealous, and just plain crazy. So, once we discover these terrible traits that obviously do not attract men, what do we do? Well, some girls remain in their fantasy world and somehow end up finding Mr. Right just by chance. [Note: that doesn't make them lucky, it makes them naive.] As for the rest of us, we become those "wise" girls.

After being told we are needy, we learn to be laid back and not fret over you calling or texting every day. After you say we obsess over stupid stuff, we refuse to obsess at all (or at least only to our girlfriends). After being accused of being a jealous girlfriend, we learn to let things slide and find security in ourselves and our relationship. After being crazy on more than one occasion, we learn to keep ourselves in check and bite our tongue, even when we know we shouldn't. So, what reward do we get for finally becoming the perfect girl? Not a damn thing. Because guess what also comes with being wise? We become bitter, insensitive, cynical, and downright hateful sometimes toward the male population. And it's all YOUR fault, boys.

When we become wise girls, we're too smart for you now. You fellas don't want us. We become the single girls. You can't get anything past us now, so we're useless to you. We become the opposite of everything you gripe about when it comes to female behavior, and when that happens, boys decide they don't want that girl either. So, the next time one of you males falls head over heels for a female, I hope she kisses you but doesn't love you. I hope she listens to you but never believes one sorry thing out of your mouth. I hope she leaves you and breaks your heart.

This may seem bitter, insensitive, cynical, and downright hateful, but what else did you expect from a wise girl? Pun clearly intended.

-ldw

undeniable thunder...

My heart skipped a beat [or tweleve] when I saw you again
I ignored it and put up the wall to keep you out
I gave you a quick hug and a cold shoulder
I wanted to feel nothing. I felt everything instead.
Later that night, after avoiding you all day and lying to myself
we found ourselves in conversation
saying everything but what we really meant
But with a little liquid courage, I found my voice again
I didn't let you off easy, raising my voice to prove a point
I had to let you know you weren't dealing with a little girl anymore
Foolishly I tried to convince you [and myself] that there were no feelings left for you
As we argued, a storm began to brew above our heads
We took cover on the street as the rain came down around us
As if to mirror the weather, I unleashed my rage at you
wanting you to know that I wasn't giving in
"I felt nothing when you got off that bus"
Not sure how I even kept a straight face when I said it
A gust of wind blew the rain on my face
and that's when you placed your hand softly under my chin
and before I could stop you, your lips were on mine
I felt thunder but it wasn't from the sky
A kiss that lasted for seconds bridged the gap between 364 sleeps
I pushed you away because it was too much to take all at once
We stared at each other, contemplating the next move
Calm like the eye of the storm
Then, the lightening struck and the street went dark.
You reached for me and this time, I couldn't deny you.
It was only you and me in the darkness, hiding from the world.
The lights flickered on again and you kissed my forehead.
You wrapped your arms around me as I shivered from the rain. [And from you.]
And the tears came down my cheeks because I knew this is what I wanted
I cried for all the months I waited for you to come back
and I cried for the other man whose heart I knew I'd be breaking
And maybe because I knew you weren't the right choice but I chose you anyway
As a perfect metaphor, you provided shelter from the storm
and our future is as unpredictable as the weather

the fiery heart

The human heart is said to be one of the most vital organs in the body. It has four chambers and is surrounded by a protective wall. It is responsible for pumping blood through our body to keep us alive. I can read any medical book to explain how it physically works. Despite all of the world's medical advancements, no one can explain the true inner workings of our hearts. The intagible chambers inside where we compartmentalize our feelings for others go unseen by medical equipment. How we feel for others is what flows inside our metaphorical hearts instead of blood. Yet, they serve the same purpose of keeping us alive. Without the affection and love of others, we're just dead inside. So, why is it so hard to let down the wall around our hearts? Letting down our guard opens up the chance for our hearts to thrive and soak in all that love. Perhaps it is fear that if we don't get that love we're hoping for, it's worse than death. Our own feelings can sustain us, but it is returned love that makes us complete.

Greek philosopher Plato theorized that the origin of reasoning came from the brain, but passion was a child of the "fiery" heart. Logic certainly does not live inside our hearts, or there might be a lot less heartaches. If we were all able to listen to our brains when it comes to love, we would know that some choices are better than others. But most of the time our hearts and brains don't see eye to eye. Our brains are what cause us to second guess ourselves and our partners. Our hearts tend to push us in a certain direction even when we don't know why. So, who's the smarter of the two? If we listen to logic, are we turning our back on passion? The choices of our hearts cannot be understood by rational thought. It is the act of feeling and following where those feelings may lead. The smart option may not always be the right choice when it comes to love.

How do we convince our hearts to feel for someone we know can take care of us but we lack the passion for? We don't. Our hearts don't understand what it means to do the right thing...they only know what feels right. Heartaches are inevitable as we weave our way through ours and others' feelings. Yet, at the end of the day you must be honest with yourself and fair to those who invest their own hearts in you, especially if you don't share their feelings. We can't help what we feel and trying to force it isn't good for anyone in the long run. My own heart is still figuring out where it wants to be but I do know this much: "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-you love." My heart won't compromise for anything less. And neither should yours.
-ldw
[quote by carrie bradshaw from sex & the city's season 6 finale episode]

comfortable skin

E.E. Cummings said, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." I admire those who have stepped into their adult shoes with ease. It has taken me a bit longer than most, but I'm getting there. I'm realizing the difference between having goals and chasing foolish ventures. It is a weakness of mine to always be looking for the next best thing. It has caused me to overlook some great things and people in the past. Perhaps I have even overlooked some great things inside of me that I thought needed to be different. Being comfortable in our own skin is a sign of maturity and growth. I let my growth get a bit stunted instead of accepting the person that has been changing. Instead of embracing my independence, I have been hiding from it for a long time.

I'm tired of hiding out. I don't want to miss out on the good stuff because I think there's something better. Last month, I returned to a place that has always felt the most like home to me and could not be happier. I feel as if I had to leave in order to come back and see how much I truly missed it and the people I care about most. Coming back took more courage than I realized because it made me finally accept myself as I am...not who I think I'm supposed to be. No one can tell me the life I'm supposed to be living. We make our own definitions of success for ourselves. I define success as doing something that makes you happy and being able to balance that with having fun with friends who accept you and support you regardless.

Now that I am getting more and more comfortable in my skin, I am finding that my personal relationships are becoming easier to define and maintain. My professional life can be a three ring circus, so I need my personal life to be effortless. I have learned that open communication and being honest about what I want is getting me what I want. I am lucky to have people in my life that appreciate this honesty. I used to be okay with gray areas and since I've boycotted those, I find I am much happier and less stressed. Obviously from time to time, our personal relationships will have a few hurdles to climb but the good ones should make our lives easier and help us to continue growing. I doubt I'll ever fully "grow up" but I can finally say I know who I am. I'm no longer afraid of who that is. I'm actually kind of proud of her.

-ldw

i want my own horse.

I could not have agreed more with Carrie Bradshaw when she quoted in "Sex & the City" :

Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has affairs to remember. Instead, we have breakfast at 7AM, and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible....How the hell did we get into this mess?

I believe that is the question on the minds of many ladies in today's world. While we are bombarded with cinema and pages of fiction telling us about these perfect happy endings, the reality is that we feel more like an ugly step-sister than Cinderella. The shoe doesn't quite fit when our so-called Prince Charming comes along. We are so busy comparing him to make believe versions of our perfect mate that we delude ourselves out of seeing what is really there. We either build these men up into men they will never be or refuse to see what villians they really are. When this behavior becomes a pattern for all the men we date, romantic pessimism replaces wishful thinking.

As if we weren't already catching on to the reality of romance in this day and age, along come books to provide seemingly helpful advice. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and "He's Just Not That Into You" only further let us know how unattainable happiness is with the opposite sex. I prefer the days I read books about sleeping princesses being saved by true love's kiss. They had it made. Take a nap and wake up with a happy ending! Although, even Snow White and Sleeping Beauty had to deal with jealous women, so perhaps they didn't have it easier than us after all.

These days, I don't know many women who are willing to leave behind one of their heels as a clue for their prince. Honestly, who wants to determine their maiden fair by a smelly shoe anyway? It seems to me if you want a happy ending, you have to write the story yourself. What's so great about a happy ending anyway? If it's so happy, why is it ending? Fairy tales in books and the happily ever after's in movies should only be a sense of inspiration and not a tool to be used for comparison. If you're busy comparing your own love life to fiction, then you might miss out on the real hero that comes knocking at your door. Or perhaps we realize that in real life, the heroine learns she can save herself and the prince is not a necessity for the happily ever after. I don't care to be a damsel in distress, so it doesn't make sense for me to wish for a prince to come along to save me.  If we're riding off into the sunset, I'm going to want my own horse anyway.

blue fuzzy sweatpants

There's this notion in my head that I won't be happy until I figure out what I want in life. I have been thinking of happiness as if it is a destination... a place I want to end up. Yet, happiness is a state of mind. It's a mood we're in or a way we feel. It isn't a place. I wouldn't think of sad or tired or hungry as a place to go to. These moods come and go every day, just like being happy.

I'm happy when I'm reading curled up in my bed, but every book has an ending. I'm happy when I'm wearing my blue fuzzy sweatpants, but I can't wear them every day. I'm happy when I'm singing in front of a crowd, but karaoke is only one night a week. I'm happy when I'm driving on a summer day with the windows down and the radio up, but I'd run out of gas if I kept driving without stopping. I'm happy when the smell of fresh baked cookies hits me in the face as I pull them out of the oven, but the smell goes away once they cool off.

Our moments of happiness aren't everlasting. We have to have a few breaks in between to be other things besides happy. Otherwise, we wouldn't appreciate our moments of bliss. If I stop looking at happiness as a destination, perhaps I'll start enjoying myself more. Because when I see it as a place I'm trying to get to, it feels unattainable. We think we are looking for our happy endings but we all know by now that endings are just new beginnings. So, it would make more sense to focus on happy beginnings, happy middles, and happy endings. We should accept that there is going to be some not-so-great stuff that wiggles its way in every once in awhile. If we weren't sad sometimes, we wouldn't know why being happy felt so good. I feel more hopeful knowing that happiness isn't a place I'm trying to reach. That way I can always know that my next smile is just waiting around the corner.