Spiderwebs

According to National Geographic's website, "The Black Widow spiders are considered the most venomous spiders in North America" and can be found in several regions around the world. The Black Widow, also known as Latrodectus hesperus, is believed by most to be the most dangerous of her kind. A familiar region in which they inhabit is our very own town of Aiken, South Carolina. Growing up in the south, I had never actually had a personal experience with the southern Black Widow until recently getting caught in one's tangled web. In our region, these Black Widows are nicknamed "bitches" and these webs are usually spun with deceit, lies, and jealousy which makes for one sticky mess if you happen to get caught in it.

Once you are caught in her web, the Black Widow descends upon her prey to ingest her venom into you. This venom contains a pinch of envy, a drop of hatred, and a whole lot of doubt. Her bite is said to be 15 times stronger than that of a rattlesnake yet ironically her actions remain snakelike in nature. The venom from her bite affects the nervous system, according to Emedicinehealth.com. Many researchers claim these spiders are non-aggressive and only attack for self defense. I believe self preservation and cowardliness are strong motivators to the southern Black Widow. These researchers have obviously never done extensive study here regarding the treacherous species.

The Black Widows are nocturnal and prefer to be active at night. They say the Black Widow has distinctive marks to identify her by. The southern Black Widow can be recognized by her long blond hair, ice cold eyes, and affinity for menthol cigarettes. She can be quite charming upon your initial meeting which is perhaps how you ended up in this web to start with. She had you believing she was like all the other spiders...you know, the ones the researchers say only attack in self defense. Except you didn't attack her. So, why would she come after you? Because the southern Black Widows aren't like the other spiders. They are only concerned with their own survival. They don't realize that the large web they have spun will one day ensnare them. The tangled web they have weaved will be responsible for their own downfall.

A common misconception is that the bite of the Black Widow is always lethal. In reality, it can be fatal to small children or the elderly; however the rest of us can survive the bite without any lasting damage. We cannot however escape the initial damage caused by the Black Widow. Her venom isn't deadly to us but it still contains all the necessary ingredients to shake things up in our little worlds. The pain will go away but leaves confusion and doubt in its place.

The one who should be most afraid of the Black Widow is her mate. The Black Widow spider got her namesake from the very act of killing her counterpart after mating. A creature that has no remorse for destroying her partner is not to be taken lightly. So, careful before you allow the Black Widow to sink her fangs into you. Before you lose your heart to this little spider, be sure you aren't about to lose your head as well. The Black Widow spiders are known for being solitary creatures (except during mating season) and if she continues to spin webs of lies, her solitary status won't be voluntary.

The Chase

When I was a kid, I was always “it” when it came to games such as, “Duck Duck Goose” and other chasing games. I wasn’t very sporty and therefore wasn’t as fast as the other kids. It’s slightly annoying to find that as adults, a lot of us find ourselves still “it” when it comes to chasing in adult life. Of all the relationship vices, the one I would really like to tackle is learning to let others chase me instead of the other way around. I personally find satisfaction in doing the chasing but it never seems to work out to my advantage in the end. If real life were a game of “Duck Duck Goose,” I’m the one running in circles over and over because I can’t catch my target.

More often than not, we find ourselves playing a game of "Hide and Seek" with the significant (and not-so-significant) others in our lives. It's like we're on the playground having a great time together, then by the time you count to 100 they have run away from you. While I'm pretty good at guessing hiding spots, who really has the time for that these days? You know they will always end up back at "base" but how did they manage to slip right past you while you were searching for them? How do we determine where "base" is in real life? Is there ever really a safe place to run to in order to ensure you won't be "it" in the next round of the game? Perhaps some of us are both seekers and hiders. Do we keep seeking because we are trying to hide our true feelings or desires? Is the chase a distraction to ourselves to avoid who or what we really want?

Maybe we tolerate these games because we are afraid of not playing games. At least as long as I'm "it," I know my task at hand. If I weren't "it," I would be hiding all the time or sitting in the circle nervous with unknowing if I was about to be chosen to be the "goose." If relationships are such a toss up anyway, why not just play them like "Blind Man's Bluff"? We could just leave it up to blind luck whether or not we picked the target we were really after. I'm pretty sure that's actually how it works anyway in the game of love.

I suppose ever so often though, our target does slow up & gets caught on purpose. Maybe they just made us play these games to see if we were worth chasing in return. After all, in these adult chasing games, it is generally considered a good thing to get caught. Unlike when we were children, it is very much in our control whether we allow ourselves to get caught or not. So, I say if you're afraid to get caught then maybe that is exactly what needs to happen. I say, it's time to play for keeps. So, who's "it" this time?

Photo courtesy of Photobucket.com

Pieces of Me

Have you ever worked a jigsaw puzzle? Scattered the pieces all over the table with the puzzle box propped up to show you the goal you were working towards? You start on the border and work your way in, picking through each piece to see if it fits. Each piece brings you closer to completion, but it isn’t the last piece that excites you the most. It’s the one before that. Remember the piece you kept picking up and never being able to find a place for? Well, it ends up being the piece that helps you place that final piece. I’ve never been anyone’s final piece, or missing piece for that matter. I do have a bit of experience with being that piece that seems to make the entire puzzle make sense. Of course, nobody ever seems to give that piece any credit.

I have a knack for drawing men to me when their puzzle is a mess. So, I find myself attracting many a man that ends up finding someone else to complete their puzzle. Then again, I probably need to get my own puzzle sorted out before worrying about someone else’s. Or perhaps it’s time to let someone else try to help with MY puzzle! I’ve known many males who were interested in pieces of me but none that seem to want the whole thing. Which pieces keep driving them away? Which pieces aren't strong enough to keep them?

Does the intelligent piece that doesn't fall for the usual tricks intimidate them? Or is it the easy going piece that would rather have fun than argue, fuss, & fight? Maybe it's the independent piece that isn't needy enough. Or that cautious piece that protects my heart & is afraid to show too much emotion. It could be the hardened piece that doesn't break when things gets tough. Or the softened piece that will open up and be sweet with the assistance of a little whiskey. Then again, maybe the pieces aren't the problem at all. I'm just waiting for someone to come along to solve my puzzle. I guess until then I'm just that puzzle piece that got knocked off the table & lost...does that make me someone's missing piece?

Photo courtesy of Photobucket.com

Coward Road

If there is one thing I know as a woman, it is when a man looks at me and wishes I was someone else. The longing in his eyes hides just beneath the surface and at first, it's hard to realize. A woman hopes the longing is for her but her intuition tells her otherwise. She will talk herself out of the reality for awhile until it isn't just in his eyes. It becomes a coolness in his touch. Hands that used to bring warmth & excitement have become unfeeling. His hands that once radiated heat for his woman now give her the chills yet they provide no passion. It isn't just the eyes or the hands though. It's a kiss that doesn't hold a spark. A kiss by the book, but not from his heart. His lips pretend they are touching another but as soon as his eyes open, you feel the distance widen instantly. You are inches apart yet he is miles away from you inside.

A woman knows when it isn't her that you want. A woman knows when there is another whose companionship you desire. A woman knows when her bed doesn't satisfy your needs anymore. Don't take us for fools because we already know everything there is to know. We are just trying to talk ourselves out of the rejection that is inevitable. We don't want to be traded in or turned away. We don't want to feel inadequate. We don't want to let go of what we want even if they want someone else. It is selfish of both the man and the woman to carry on this charade. But what is a little bit of selfishness compared to deceit and dishonesty? If neither is being honest about what's going on, does it really matter that they clearly have a lack of respect for each other & their relationship if they can't face facts that they aren't meant to be together.

There are few other things more hurtful to a human being that filling a space because someone's desired partner is not theirs [for whatever reason.] I think it is cowardness that stops a man from letting a woman know that his heart is with another just because he wants to warm his bed to help him make it through the night without the woman he really wants.

I myself am guilty of this treason yet never realized the fault until I was the unwanted looking into the eyes of a man who looked right through me because I wasn't "her." So, for the men who want to use me as a substitute for the woman you really want, there is a road you can head to before the road that leads into my neighborhood. It's called Coward Road [true story] and it may have been created just for you.

i gave my heart to rock 'n' roll

"...it seems that love no longer can turn me on..." [from "Rock & Roll" by The Sounds]

I take a random song I downloaded after hearing it on some movie and I realize that it is EXACTLY how I feel about my "love life" right now. I don't believe in falling in love right now. Maybe I have too many other areas of life to worry about, but love just doesn't fit into my schedule. Some might say that it is depressing but I honestly cannot bring myself to feel that way about it. One of the next lines of that song is, "I gave my heart to rock 'n' roll." That got me to thinking that honestly I've been more emotional about music in my life than I have about most people in my life. I live vicariously through music. I fall asleep to it. I smile to it. I cry to it. I breathe to it. I, one hundred percent, LOVE it. I am in love with music...more than I've ever been with any man.

I don't cry in front of anyone, but play "How To Disappear Completely" by Radiohead after I've had a bad day and I will cry like a small child who just dropped their brand new ice cream cone on the sidewalk. I rarely melt from romantic gestures but I will melt when I hear "Secret" by Maroon 5 played in an acoustic set in a dimly lit bar. I don't think about my first love every second of the day but play "Please Remember Me" by Tim McGraw and every memory of us will rush back like it was yesterday. I don't get giddy & "twitterpatted" over any man but if I hear "Sparks" by Coldplay, the butterflies are immediate.

Music has this wonderful gift of making us remember exactly how we felt during some of our greatest and most devastating moments. So, while some people are living these things with others...I am choosing to live them through lyrics and melodies. I love that hearing a song can instantly take me back to a time and place that made me smile, or in some cases cut me to the core. Those times that cut me to the core no longer scare me when I remember them because I've learned those lessons & I'm better for it.

So, while some may dismay at their lack of love and companionship in their lives, I know that comfort is easily found on my radio. It's found by turning on my iPod and putting on my favorite playlist that holds all the comfort I need. While my bed is empty, my soul is content while those soft melodies of "Glorybox" by Portishead calm me. I cuddle up with Dave Matthews sweetly singing a cover of my favorite song of all time "Wild Horses" and fall soundly to sleep while John Mayer is "Covered in Rain."

I wake up to the Beatles letting me know "Here Comes the Sun" and Bob Marley telling me that "Every little thing is gonna be alright..." And I remind myself of my favorite movie line from Almost Famous: "I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you'll never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you'll always have fun...and when you get lonely, go to the record store and visit your friends."

I've given my heart to rock 'n' roll.

The Right Kind of Wrong

He's cunning, isn't he? The typical Alpha male that you see out charming all the ladies. You know the guy I'm talking about. He can be seen chatting up some pretty little thing and at the end of the night, he'll be walking out the door with some pretty little thing. You know his story. You know how he operates. He's certainly been a topic of conversation in the ladies' room a time or two. So, what is a girl to do when he swaggers up to you. He leans in close and whispers something a bit more sultry than sweet nothings. He's good at what he does and furthermore, he is completely honest with the ladies about his intentions, or lack thereof. Some are too naive to see what he's really about and the other half don't care after a few fruity cocktails and shots, courtesy of our Alpha male. But you...you're smarter than the average bear and you think to yourself, "He won't get the best of me. I know better."

Yet, here you are at last call and he's throwing you that devil smile with a suggestive eyebrow raise. To say you falter would be unfair since you know full well what you're getting yourself into. Society's double standard isn't going to apply to you tonight. Temptation just feels too good sometimes. So, you give in. It goes without saying that a man with that much experience will not disappoint. A man who says all the right things even when your brain is telling you he's all wrong for you. Maybe for tonight though, he's the right kind of wrong. As long as you're aware of the fact that the Alpha male is not Prince Charming. He isn't planning a future with you. He's already thinking about how to snag the other pretty little things he saw at the bar that he could've got with if you had said no.

The Alpha male while entertaining at times is probably the simplest of the male species to figure out. Remember that dog you had when you were a kid that would chase birds/insects/whatever in the yard but when he caught it, he didn't want it anymore. This is the M.O. of the Alpha male. My, my how he loves the excitement of chasing his female prey but after catching them he takes a last sniff & moves onto the next chase. Beware when the Alpha male starts to paw you...he has big plans for you. Yet, they don't involve a fairy tale.

In the case of the Alpha male ladies, forewarned is forearmed. Regardless of if you choose to give in or count yourself out, at least you can make an informed decision now. While he shares the same qualities as a dog chasing his prey, he was given enough brains not to hump your leg in public. So, he's not a complete loss to the human race nor as a companion for the night.

The next time you see him, he'll of course be surrounded by a circle of girls, twirling their hair between their fingers & giggling at his jokes. As you are closing out your tab at one bar, he'll walk up of course. He will say something sly to you like, "I'll bump into you later." Insert devil smile here. You return his grin and reply, "Oh, I'm sure you will.", You play his little game despite the fact that you've already decided you are going home alone. You don't need his empty comfort tonight. While the Alpha male is so used to using women, it has never occurred to him that we also use him right back. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Good Stuff Box

I created my "Good Stuff Box" in high school after seeing a similar box that one of my best friends had created herself. That box is filled with pictures, movie stubs, wedding programs for family, wristbands, concert & other event ticket stubs, and just random knick knacks that make me smile from days gone by. I can't remember the last time I put something in it, so I decided to open it again to see what was in there. You know the first thing I did when I peeked inside? I smiled. Which makes me wonder...why haven't I looked in that box for so long and furthermore why did I stop adding things to it?

Because as we get older, life throws us a lot more punches and we forget how to smile at the little things. Little things that you put in boxes that live under your bed. I forgot what it was like to be that silly schoolgirl with a crush who kept that sugar packet that some boy gave her at lunch & said, "Here's some sugar, sugar." I pulled out the two halves of my old fake ID that the bartender & I cut with a steak knife at the Brew Pub on my 21st birthday. I forgot that I've saved every Steeplechase ticket for every year I've gone because it is my favorite "holiday" in Aiken & a reason I will always find to come home if I leave here again. I re-read the letter to me left by a foreign vistor to Aiken a few years back who I was completely smitten with after spending 5 days with him, who told me to "Keep smiling!" among other sweet nothings. It is probably the last time anyone wrote me a love letter. There were pictures of my first love in there too and a packet of seeds for Sweet William flowers that my mom sent me after the first time she met him when we were 15 & said I had found "a good bean." Speaking of love, the man I walked away a couple years ago would probably smile at the fact that I have a token for a free beer at the Saloon in Darien City, NY. Maybe I should think about going to get that drink someday soon. I found a blinking button from the Starboard in Dewey Beach, Delaware that makes the most amazing Bloody Mary's and a ticket stub to a Washington Nationals baseball game. I found a keychain with a polo player on it made in Argentina, a strawberry with my name on it from my Greek Bid Day at USCA my freshman year, my graduation tassel from Batesburg-Leesville High, and a gold VIP wristband for a club called The Park at Fourteenth where I partied like a true rock star on a private VIP floor with my best friend two summers ago in Washington DC.

While I had that box open, I did something else that needed to be done. I removed a few things. Some of them may have meant something back then but in retrospect they don't constitute as "good stuff" to me anymore. I removed the picture of me and that basketball player with the devil smile that I chased through sophomore year of college who played more games with me than he did on the court. I removed all those pictures of the guy that I once told I hated with every piece of my heart when he asked me to leave because there was another girl...that girl is now his wife. I removed pictures of former female friends that I once would have done anything for until I figured out their friendships weren't what I thought they were. I'll have to add some pictures of my burs to take up that empty space. [Note: Some people have best friends, but mine are called "burs"] I removed an old Polaroid candid shot of my Mema & Dada when they were younger and a shot of my parents to put them on my dresser. While they do fall in my "Good Stuff" category, I think they'll benefit my smile reflex better in plain sight.

Since I had some extra room, I decided to throw in the bar nuts packet from Fly Lounge in Aspen, Colorado [a bar that looks like a space shuttle on the inside - amazing!], a spectator guide for Augusta National from Masters 2009, and a two of hearts playing card that I found in my copy of Catcher in the Rye when re-reading it recently. So, now I find myself eager to have any experience that will provide another "little thing" to add to my box. If I'm going to keep smiling, I certainly need to collect some reminders when I have those really great moments. I think a Good Stuff box is a necessity for anyone who needs a pick me up when life gets you down. What's in your box?

I bet you're wondering what was laying on top of my box that made me smile. A card I bought that had the Starry Night painting [my favorite] on its cover and a quote by Van Gogh on the inside that says, "For my part, I know nothing with any certainty. But the sight of the stars makes me dream..." So, I think I'll take my box outside, lay in the grass, and remember the girl who created this box. The girl who loved star gazing, dreaming of where her life would lead, and smiling at all the little things.

my anti "phonies" rant

I try very hard not to be a fake person. The drawback to being "real" is that you can sometimes come off as a horrible person when you live in a world full of phonies. [Love that word...forgot about it until recently re-reading Catcher in the Rye...Holden Caufield could teach us all a thing or two.] Here's the thing, in a world full of phonies everyone is used to being told what they want to hear instead of the straight up truth. Now, I am blessed with a group of *burs* that tell it like it is yet love me just the same. Through my friendships with them, I have learned the value of honest friendships and being real no matter who doesn't like it. The bottom line is the truth even at its worst is more beautiful than a lie. [That's an original quote by Lindsey Wise, so write that down.]

That being said, I do not sugar coat things. It's a waste of time if you ask me. Because the truth of a situation will always find a way to make itself known. So, here's the truth that we all try to avoid & put on our rose-colored glasses about...Nothing lasts forever. And I ain't talking just about cold November rain...I mean, no exceptions to the rule...NOTHING lasts forever. So, there is no reason to delude yourself into thinking otherwise. Friendships grow apart. Careers get boring. Love fades & passion dies. And here's the part that is the hardest to accept [because the phonies try to convince you otherwise]

There is NOTHING you can do about it.

So, stop worrying about it. Start being real. People will appreciate you more in the long run for being honest. It occurs to me that I spend too much energy on being polite to people I'd just assume not talk to. If I have nothing in common with you anymore, I really don't see why we need to have an awkward conversation to catch up on each others' lives when neither of us really cares what the answer is. If you are a boy who has dissed me in the past and you know you were wrong for it, it's best for you to avoid me if there is alcohol in my system. I don't take kindly to being made a fool of to begin with, but with the help of vodka I will certainly let you know exactly how much I don't like it. I don't need to endure the awkwardness because YOU feel bad about being a jerk in the past.

Let's talk about these friendships that don't last...Friendships end for one of the following reasons [to name a few]: A. One friend did something that the other friend finds unforgiveable B. The two friends have different circles of friends that don't mesh [aka they have friends that are phonies] therefore those friends usually grow apart because their worlds collide C. Friends who live in different cities grow apart just like people in long-distance relationships...unless you are kindred spirits but let's face it not everyone can be lucky enough to have one of those ;) D. People grow & change on a daily basis. Unfortunately, you don't always grow together. That's life.

You know who I really appreciate [besides my burs]? Acquaintances who accept that relationship between us. The people I can share a smoke and a laugh with and then we rejoin our respective circles of friends. I enjoy those people who understand that it's okay to share a light, fun coversation and understand that we aren't going to be braiding each others' hair & dishing secrets later. The main reason I like these acquaintances is because they don't pout or talk badly about me if I see them and perhaps I don't have time [or maybe I have another agenda that night] to give anything more than a passing "hello."

I guess the point I'm getting at is that I really hate it when people get mad at me because things change. It's not like I sit around wishing for these things. But it's life and I've accepted that it changes whether I like it or not. So, do yourself a favor...live your life, go with the flow, be happy, and say hello to me when you see me. If it's a vodka/red bull night I can't guarantee I'll do more than wave but I'll tell ya this: If I don't wave or speak, you're probably in that category of people I don't want to have an awkward conversation with. Don't mean to hurt any feelings...just keeping it real. You should follow suit.

p.s. I've edited this one a couple times & to be quite honest I'm tired of thinking it isn't ready to be posted so here it is.....I'll be the first to say it's more of a "rant" than what I usually throw down....

for those of you who know about my "quote book"

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. - Anais Nin
Every day of our lives, we are faced with decisions and choices that can instantly change the path we are on. It all comes down to what we are willing to risk in order to get what we want in life. Be courageous. Just do it. Nike didn't get rich off that slogan for nothing.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are. - John Wooden
It's funny that we often seem more concerned with our reputations. Reputations change from time to time, in case you hadn't noticed. Character rarely does and when it does, it takes a bit longer. Your character is embedded deep within your soul while your reputation is simply words of opinion from others' lips, some of which don't really even know who you are. Stop worrying about what people think and focus on being a better you for yourself. In the end, making yourself happy is what matters most.


Things do not change. We do. - Thoreau
And when we change, so do the relationships around us. It is an unfortunate thing about changing. Some people grow with us and others grow away from us. It is sad, but also inevitable. There are relationships and friendships, despite our previous beliefs, that were in fact not meant to last forever. Sometimes our journey of growing up must be taken alone. We have to leave our old self behind with our old friends and old ways to become something more. It is up to you to make it worth it.

Do one thing every day that scares you. - Eleanor Roosevelt
How else are you ever going to learn anything about yourself?

To truly love is to be unselfish in every aspect of the way. -Anonymous
Perhaps this is why it takes some of us so long to find the person we are meant to be with. We are hardened by a world that makes us selfish. We think, "It's all about me. I have to take care of myself. I can't depend on anybody but me." We don't realize that by softening up, we could find someone to take on this hard world with. It takes some of us longer to give up our selfish notions, but remember, the best things come to those who wait.

Dive early. - Bryan Kaminski, a former Hotel Aiken guest (remember how I told you people enter our lives for a reason? Sometimes it's to say the smallest thing that sticks with us forever.)
Follow your gut. Don't stay in a bad relationship because you think things are going to change. Get out while your heart is still intact. Why do we waste time with people we know don't treat us the way we deserve to be treated? Why do we put up with people being reckless with our hearts? Don't stick around just to see how it ends. Go find a happy ending with someone else.

Never mistake a clear view for a short distance. - Paul Saffo
Just because we have a crystal clear picture for what we want doesn't mean it isn't going to take a lot of time and effort to get there. Patience pays off. It's a virtue worth pursuing. (I should know...I work daily on one of my greatest weaknesses - impatience.) Patience is one of the most important virtues to have in your life toolbox. It'll come in handy when you realize the distance that stands between your dreams and reality may be a bit further than you originally thought. You may also want to pick up perserverence for that toolbox too, which will help you to keep building towards your goals when your patience wears down.

Stay is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary. - Louisa May Alcott
It is also a word that not all your friends have learned how to say yet, so don't be surprised when you expect to hear it and they let you down. Life throws many experiences our way to help us figure out who is worth having around and who was never meant to stick around. Pay attention to life's little hints. They're everywhere.

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. - Octavia Butler
And when it's all over, a true friend will be there with one hand outstretched to pick you up off the ground and the other with a basket, ready to pick up those pieces. It is these moments alone that you find out who your friends are. It is in this moment where the core of a friendship is defined and sometimes destroyed. No need to keep around anyone who doesn't bring a basket, especially someone whose basket you've held a time or two when they needed it.

In theory, if everyone takes the same approach, uses the same tools, follows the same course, and plays by the same rules, then everyone's outcome should be the same...I guess execution is everything.
It's called making mistakes. It's called experience. It's called doing what you think is right and it ends up being wrong. It's called living. So, go do it.

Photo above by Lindsey Wise

light my fire

I absolutely love to travel. I love experiencing new places, new people, and seeing new life all around. The worst part about traveling is coming home. Once you get home, you look around & see all the things that are missing in your life. You realize that there are other places that offer a life for you...perhaps a life you were too afraid to pursue because you weren't aware it was available to you.

Maybe you never realized that the past few years you spent meeting different people in your line of work has somehow led to a network of job opportunities in a place you swore you would never live near again. Maybe you grew up without even realizing it and furthermore realized that you are finally ready to make a life for yourself elsewhere. Those little voices in your head are picking sides...one playing devil's advocate and the other encouraging you to follow your instinct. What's a gal to do? Especially when she knows she always follows her heart and rarely listens to her head, particularly in life changing decisions. Sure, she might crash & burn but at least she went forward with all her heart when making her decision. Is there an age when this becomes the wrong thing to do? Is there ever a reason to stay somewhere & be content when perhaps there is somewhere else that will help you to reach your potential? Am I a city girl at heart? Is it possible for a southern belle to find happiness in a big city while maintaining those country roots?

I find myself with a case of wanderlust (big surprise, right?) and I know that I won't be able to ignore this. My wheels inside my head have started to spin & I won't be able to talk myself out of this one. In the immortal words of the Doors, "The time to hesitate is through..."

Second star to the right, straight on till morning...

...that's how you get to Neverland. Also known as my life. At 26, I look around and see people my age getting married, buying houses, and looking for jobs that offer benefits. They're doing all those grown-up things you're supposed to do as you get older. But who made those rules? Who said that to live a happy life I need to buy my own house and trade in my monthly rental fee for a mortgage? Who said I need to find some man to marry when the divorce rate of our generation is 50%? Who said I need to get a career and work 40 hours a week at a regular 9-5 job? I think I'd rather stay in Neverland with my own set of Lost Boys, pirates, and fairies. I can't complain about my life when I have succeeded in surrounding myself with people who would most certainly be my happy thought if Peter Pan sprinkled fairy dust on my head.

With no houses to buy in Neverland, you find yourself living it up in your own tree house, or perhaps your own pirate ship. Even Captain Hook wasn't paying a mortgage for the Jolly Roger. When you're looking for a mate, your fairy friends are quick to help you be picky about your choice and will help test your potential mate to see if they are worthy. Your job in Neverland consists of helping the tourists see the sights of your lovely land, like Pixie Hollow and the Redskins villiage. Everything is just so darn easy for a Neverlander. Or is it?

There are of course drawbacks to living in Neverland. Those "Lost Boys" are just that...lost. It causes a dilemma if you are a mermaid looking for someone to share your rock with in Mermaid Lagoon. Or if you're an indian princess like Tiger Lily who likes the all-time bad boy Peter Pan, you find yourself always on the edges of being a priority to the leader of the pack. Or maybe you're like Tinkerbell, the fairy in love with her best friend, but she just doesn't seem to measure up to his height. Most of all, it can just get downright lonely in Neverland. While the Redskins are fighting the pirates and the Lost Boys are making mischief with the fairies, you're just a mermaid on a rock flopping your tail waiting for Peter Pan to notice that your rock is big enough for two. Of course you'd be attracted to the Pan. Peter is the smartest of all the Neverlanders because he somehow figured out how to visit the real world but retreat back to Neverland once he tires of adult life.

Are we all holding the map to Neverland, but refusing to use it? Why is it that some people reach a certain age and forget their happy thoughts? I don't think I'm so crazy to not want to grow up & not remember how to live a carefree life. But I do wonder sometimes if I'm just a Lost Girl not realizing that it's time to grow up. Oh, well. For now, I think I'll take some of that fairy dust and fly away to Baltimore for the weekend. ;)

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" - from "Peter Pan" by J.M. Barrie

~LDW

Good Girls Never Tell...

Temptation (n.): the desire to have or do something you should avoid; enticement

The fact that even God’s first creatures Adam and Eve couldn’t avoid it says a lot about the human compulsion to do things you know you shouldn’t. At the core of every temptation, there is the desire to feel alive. By giving into desire, we are choosing to live instead of simply spending the rest of our lives asking “What if?” When I think back on the things I’ve done whether good or bad (depending on who you ask), I have never had a single regret. How do we expect to learn in life without experiencing everything, even those things that aren’t always good for us? There are only a hand full of times I can recall resisting, yet I have a lot of smiles to go with the memories of those times I didn’t resist.

“I deal with temptation by yielding to it.” - Mark Twain

So, why not give in? What is there to lose? Only your sense of adventure…only the chance to bring a bit of excitement to your everyday boring life. Yet I ask myself in this game of temptation, am I the snake? Or am I the manipulated? Or perhaps we could go as far to say Adam & Eve were simply naïve to the consequences. Well, honey I’ve never been naïve when it came to temptation. I have always been well aware of what I was getting myself into. Even if there were some unknown factors going in, they were most likely responsible for my final verdict to take the plunge. So, are those who falter to temptation just thrill seekers in disguise? Or are we the ones who live our lives while others are simply tourists in our fun-filled worlds?

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” - Mae West

Ah, you know how much I love Ms. West and her profound knowledge she sheds onto life. I think there are some who seek out trouble, but I swear I do not go looking for those things which tempt me. I believe they are drawn to me…I’m like the devil’s candy. When I want to, I can be quite charming and stir up the hive without even realizing it. More often than not, I’m not the snake…I’m just the forbidden fruit. I guess it’s my own fault for letting others take a bite when they should’ve just eaten from someone else’s garden. [It’s a metaphor - get your minds out of the gutter!]

All in all, it comes down to this…if you give into your impulses then be sure you’re going to be okay with the results. Don’t do anything you know you’ll regret. We all have different takes on what we’ll regret and what we won’t. Live your life. Take chances. Dare to do the things that will make you wonder if you don’t do them. Stop worrying about what others will say. Live your life & ignore them. Maybe that will encourage them to do the same for themselves. As Shakespeare once said, “To thine own self be true.” That means never back down if it’s something your heart truly desires. Your head doesn’t know how to feel…that’s why you were given a heart.

As for me, lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself.

"Those" Girls

All of us know at least one of those girls. She's the sweet, simple girl that always has a boyfriend. For as long as you've known her, this girl has been in relationship after relationship. Like any girl, she has had her heart broken and even joined you a time or two on the "boys suck" bandwagon. However, like clockwork a few weeks after that, there will be a new man in her life. She, unlike you, doesn't have one night stands or flavors of the week. Somehow this girl has figured out how to make her men stick around. Before I get any of "those" girls bashing my blog, let me go ahead and say that my hat is off to you. And I'll tell you why.

I know you're thinking that I'm going to say I admire those girls who can make men stay because I seem to always make them stray. This may be true, but I'm more impressed with their ability to put up with men's pretentions. I'm quite certain at this point that the reason I can't keep men around is because I call their bluff most of the time. Those simple girls don't really like to make a fuss and they were taught by their mothers to be accommodating. I'm not knocking those girls because while they are cuddled up at night next to a warm body, I'm lying awake listening to some acoustic melody and cuddled up with my pillow. I do wonder, however, if perhaps they are lying awake at night too, even in the comfort of their lover's arms. Are they also dreaming of a man they've yet to find?

Furthermore I wonder if those girls have ever been like me. If so, how did they make the transition? Am I willing to make the transition? Do I want to? Is it better to be one of "those" girls or your own girl? I think for the most part I don't want to sacrifice who I am just so a man will stay with me. In my experience, there is always something inconvenient about me that men don't want to deal with. So, how do we decide which parts of us to compromise in order to find happiness? I am currently soul searching on which parts of me I'm willing to bend and which parts I don't plan to budge on. Once I reach that answer, I may be content with taking a step into the world of those girls.

Until then, “Just let me go, we have to be able to criticize what we love, to say what we have to say 'cause if you're not trying to make something better, then as far as I can tell, you are just in the way.” Thank you, Ani Difranco.

Wise Girl Revelation...

As many pieces that I have written as a "Wise Girl" you would think I would take my own advice. However, it has come to my attention that half the things I write I don't hardly ever apply to my own life. Well, every once in awhile the teeny tiniest of events can happen and it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. I woke up a few mornings ago and really hated all men. Of all the reasons that flowed through my brain, the number one reason is because I have let men control my emotions and drive me insane. As much of an independent woman as I put out there, I am nothing but "Little Miss Obsessive" when it comes to my own love life.

I blame my hopeless romantic nature on the fact that I continue to care about and love men who most likely never got past the stage of infactuation with me. I'm quite charming but apparently men forget any sense of staying power after a few weeks with me. (I've run off my share of men as well, but I think it's mostly because I wanted to beat them to the punch.) It occurs to me that I spend entirely too much time doing nothing more than "sitting, waiting, wishing" for some man to notice how wonderful I am and sweep me off my feet. In 26 years, I can count on one hand how many men have attempted such a bold gesture. So, knowing this why do I even waste my time on men who aren't worthy of it?

I have no idea why I don't have the power to make some men as miserable as they make me. Oh, wait because I'm actually a good person with a good heart. I don't like when people play with my heart, so I try to avoid doing it to anyone else. They say the person who cares the least in a relationship is the one who controls it. So, basically 90% of my "relationships" were not controlled by me. I'm not naive and I realize that at the very heart of it, it is my fault I have allowed this to happen. Well, this Wise Girl had one hell of a revelation this morning.

I am ready to have my "I hate men" stage in life. I think the only way I can learn my lesson is to avoid men for awhile. Clearly I understand that the world is full of them and I can't avoid them every single second of every day. What I mean is that I plan to focus more time on me and with the friends that love me. Because I really think they were onto something in that Sex & the City episode when one of the girls said, "Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." Perhaps that mentality is best for now. It is time to let the feminist from within come out and play. I am woman, hear me roar! And boys, stay out of my way because I've had it with you for now. I am through worrying about what you think of me.

"Squint your eyes and look closer, I'm not between you & your ambition, I am a poster girl with no poster, I am 32 flavors & then some..." - Ani Difranco

Where does your love map lead?

According to modern day psychology, a person’s “mental love map” is developed in early adolescence. This scares the hell out of me. It means my mind decided when I was a young child what love was all about, growing up with a single mother and an absent-except-for-every-other-weekend father. My young brain was trying to process why my mother had a new boyfriend every month and why my father was barely dating at all. As if it isn’t hard enough asking yourself why your parents got divorced and receiving well rehearsed bullshit answers from them. Over the course of growing up, I have asked myself how their divorce and my upbringing in such environment has affected me. I have come up with hundreds of different answers, but there is one memory that stands out and defines my own love map.

I don’t remember how old I was, but I would guess I was around 5 or 6 years old. My mother and I were in her car, driving home after she had yet another break-up with one of her latest boyfriends. I don’t remember if we spoke on the ride home or what kind of music was playing on the radio. I just remember the tears that slid down my mother’s cheeks in a constant flow. Her eyes red and her cheeks streaked with black from her mascara. I cannot recall ever seeing my mother cry before that day. In my memory, this was the first time I saw her shed tears over anything. The woman who wiped away my tears and soothed me when I was upset was crying because of a man.

Fast forward to me at 15 years old having a huge fight with the first boy I ever loved because I never cried in front of him. He screamed that I didn’t care. I was heartless. Why couldn’t I cry in front of him? He demanded to know. I told myself back then that it was because I believed crying to be a weakness. If someone made you cry, then they knew they could hurt you. They knew how to hurt you. Who would ever willingly give another person that power over them? Not me, not then anyway. Was there something buried in my subconscious that didn’t allow me to cry in front of people, especially in front of men I love?

Through the rest of high school and college, any tears I cried over relationships with males were shed in private. I was the listening ear and shoulder for many of my girlfriends, but never was I the one at the head of the pity party. My misery was never a fan of company. I’d get in my car, turn on the saddest music possible, and drive until I was all cried out. The older I got, I found I would only allow myself to let go and cry after many alcoholic beverages. The upside I suppose is that I am one tough cookie and a hard one to break down. The downside is that sometimes it is that weakness that can tighten the bond between two people. A lack of emotion gives off the impression of a cold heart. I don’t think of my heart as cold, but it is certainly well guarded at this point.

With age and experience comes understanding because I do realize now that crying is not a weakness. My pride still doesn’t allow me to shed tears freely, but then again I haven’t had any males in my life recently that deserved to see those tears either. Most females hope for a man that never makes her cry, yet for me a man I can cry in front of will be worth keeping around. It means that I’ve let him in, which isn’t something I do on a whim for just any old guy. This is coming from a hopeless romantic who seems to run away from love or pick the wrong men (or the geographically challenged.) I guess what I’m really hoping to find is someone I can open up and show emotion to. I want a man who isn’t afraid to feel and most importantly isn’t afraid to make me stay when I try to run (‘cause Lord knows I know how to do that!)

As for my love map, there are a lot of routes I haven’t been down yet. The unknown paths can seem scary, but I remember reading somewhere that happy endings aren’t meant for cowards. I think it’s time to follow my love map to where my heart desires and forget where it’s been. I’m all about leaving the past behind these days and even more about seeking all those things I’ve been afraid of for far too long. Here's to taking the scenic route this time.

“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”

- Orson Welles

The Age Old Question

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

It's that cliche question that you see in movies, read in books, and ask in deep conversations over cocktails. The general consensus is that you get one soul mate and that person is the one. Your soul mate is the one person in the entire universe that fate has chosen for you to be with forever. Or, at least until one of you dies. I imagine if you are married or otherwise involved in a serious relationship, you probably believe in this one soul mate business. That is, you believe it until you break up or get divorced. Then, we will hear you claim, "Oh, that person must not have been my soul mate since it's over." This will lead you to go back out into the wonderful world of dating and be in search of yet again, the one.

It isn't our fault that we have this crazy idea of one soul mate. The movies and romance novels have filled our heads with this nonsense. Disney did most of the damage when we were too young to realize how they were manipulating our view of love. It is rare to find a movie that ends with the boy and girl not living happily ever after. However, I finally found one! The movie is called "Prime," starring Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep. The gist of the movie is not important at this point; however what Streep's character says to her son (who had been dating Thurman's character) is pretty much the point I'm getting at:

"Sometimes you love and you learn...and you move on. And that's okay."

We get so caught up in believing in one soul mate when we need to realize that every relationship is not meant to last forever. People enter our lives for different reasons and particularly when we need something that they can provide. Sometimes we can have brief relationships that leave us wondering, "What in the heck was that for? I wasted my time!" No, you learned something. You just don't know it yet. People come and go....to teach us something new about ourselves, to remind us of who we are, to heal a heart we thought would never mend, or most often just to help us find our smile again. The "smile finders" are my favorite, by the way! I can't even count the times I've encountered memorable people who did nothing more than make me smile again when it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. It's bittersweet that these people can't stick around, but we wouldn't see their significance if they did. I believe fate sends us more than one soul mate. It's ridiculous to believe we are only allowed one person our entire lives that will make us feel complete and whole and be everything we ever dreamed.

You can't define a soul mate based on a romantic comedy or an epic love story. You have to decide what you think a soul mate is. Soul mate is defined on Dictionary.com as, "a person with whom one has a strong affinity." Aside from that sounding absolutely boring, I think I've had a strong affinity for more than one person in my lifetime. I realize that by saying we have more than one soul mate that tends to take the significance out of a "significant other." Well, I think the term significant other sounds pretty boring too. I want a lover, a friend, a protector, a gentleman, a listener, a storyteller, a partner in crime, a companion...I could go for days on all the things I want in "the one"...I figure this soul mate business is nothing to settle for, so I might as well get everything I want.

Every relationship we have teaches us something, whether one big thing or a lot of little things. It is the lessons we learn from these romantic partners that shape our future relationships. It is through experience that we learn to define what love and a soul mate are. We don't want our hearts to be broken, yet how else did we expect to find out what we don't want from a romantic partner? It's my belief that we do this song and dance of love and heartbreak to mold ourselves into the perfect partner for the soul mate that we are meant to be with forever. How else do you expect to be perfect for your mate unless you have shed all your imperfections in your past?

Originally written 12/15/07
~LDW~

Only the Lonely

It has taken the better part of my young adult life to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. There are still times when the two notions overlap each other and confuse the hell out of me. By definition, lonely means to be sad from being alone; yet alone is defined as being exclusive of anyone else. As you'll notice, there is no mention of lonely when defining alone. Often times, I think we settle for less when we're lonely. We just want that comfort that another warm body can provide and we forget to remember what we deserve. We confuse comfort with feeling, not realizing that our feelings for someone are hollow if they are only filling a space because of our loneliness.

But what is comfort without a little passion? A little romance? Comfort alone (no pun intended) can only fool your heart for so long. Your relationship can't move forward without more substance. After awhile, you find yourself unhappy with that kind of situation because in actuality it is better to be alone than be with someone you don't really like. There are other ways to fill voids without possibly hurting the other party involved who may actually have feelings for you. Even if the other person is also using you to fill the void, that is still just a waste of time when both of you could be with other people you have chemistry with.

We are so afraid of being alone that we will waste time in a relationship that doesn't matter to us waiting for something to spark. Why are we waiting for a spark? Isn't that supposed to be there right away? And if it isn't, why get involved in the first place? There are tons of prospects out there, so find the one that gives you butterflies. Stop making excuses for the ones who don't make your tummy drop when their name pops up on your cell phone ID. Go home alone instead of with the boy who sleeps by your side but doesn't even kiss you goodbye the next morning. Get a hobby, read a book, or do whatever it takes to avoid spending one more minute with someone just because they are there.

As Nietzsche once said, “The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.” Instead take a page from Thoreau's book, “I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." The most important thing is to remember that there is no one more wonderful to be with than yourself. Finding happiness in yourself alone is what matters most and that is a companion that will never let you down.

Originally written 3/9/09
~LDW~

Romance is dead....

Awhile back, I had a gentleman look at my bookshelf and say, "Hmph, a bunch of chick books." I suppose he was unimpressed with my lack of literary classics, or maybe he was more used to considering the articles in Playboy as suitable reading material. However, it was recently that I had an ephipany. Most guys will give us a hard time about reading these "chick" books because the majority of males in our generation are missing the one thing that is prominent in these books: romance. For some reason or another, chivalry and romance has gotten lost along the way. And you boys wonder why we can't stop gushing about Edward Cullen and re-reading our copies of Twilight until the spine falls apart.

There was a time when ladies were courted by men instead of cornered by them in a bar. There was a time when bringing your date flowers or chocolates used to be standard procedure. Now, we're lucky if you even pick up the check. There was a time when men asked permission from a girl's parents in order to date her. Now, the thought of meeting the parents sends men into automatic panic mode that we want to marry you and immediately start a small family of 3 kids with a dog (and maybe a cat too!) There was a time when men felt honored to receive a goodnight kiss instead of scheming the entire night to get a goodnight lay. There was a time when romance and respect were a given instead of just an option.

I understand that times must change and therefore, if romance is dead in real life then I shall retreat to fiction to get my fix. I'll bury my nose in the sweet gestures of novel heroes and keep the hope alive that someday maybe romance will thrive again. In the meantime fellas, keep your comments to yourself about our fictional choices...or here's a thought, maybe pick up one of these popular books that all the ladies gush about & take some notes. After all, it is up to you to remedy the reason we are so obsessed with these novels in the first place.

Alas, Edward Cullen has ruined me for all men, but that doesn't mean you boys can't still attempt to steal my heart back.

The Escape Artist

Girl meets boy. Boy shows interest in girl. Girl likes boy. Everything is rainbows and butterflies for boy and girl. Then, boy pulls a disappearing act. Girl is hurt, confused, angry, pissed, and just downright ready to give up on boys all together. No explanation. No further contact. No closure from boy.

We have all had experiences like this. It usually happens with someone we never expect to do it to us. We have so much in common. We know the same people. We always have fun together. We were just meant to meet each other. Nothing could convince you that it could go wrong. Then, without warning it not only goes wrong, it's just over. Mr. Wonderful has become Mr. M.I.A. Prince Charming has become the King of Assholes. You have become the unwanted...the one that got tossed aside...Miss "Will I Ever Get It Right?" While you're busy asking yourself what you did wrong, often we forget to point the finger at the one who dropped off the radar.

I like to call these types of people escape artists. Instead of being polite or confident enough to be straight up with us, they have to run away to avoid any confrontation. Escape artists are selfish. They choose to avoid putting themselves in an uncomfortable situation to save face and make you feel pretty awful in the process. That being said, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to talk to you when things aren't what they expected? That certainly isn't what lasting relationships are made of anyway.

The only good thing about escape artists is that they teach you a very valuable lesson...how to get closure on your own. Break ups are no fun any way you slice it, but that unknowing is pure hell sometimes. However, I think it is time to stop asking what you did wrong and say good riddance to these escape artists. These kind of people are obviously intimidated by our awesomeness and just don't feel worthy of our love. Guess whose problem that is? NOT YOURS, THEIRS! Be able to let these escape artists go on their merry way and realize you are better off without them. You're actually a better person for having no hard feelings about it and rising above their petty behavior. And for the record, they are NOT worthy of your time after that. Anybody who decides to do a disappearing act on you is not allowed to reappear in your life. No exceptions. Or at least not until you have punished them properly....but that's is just another blog waiting to be written.... ;)

** Dedicated to all my girls who know they are amazing and know that if he's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go **

Patience is passion tamed...

...and where's the fun in that? Or at least that's what I used to think. As of late, my attitude has changed a bit and my self control is way up these days. I'm refusing to settle. And for all you boys just looking to hook up, look elsewhere. There are plenty of girls still left who just want to get some, but it ain't me, babe. Everybody loves the passion...the excitement....but that can fade. When it does, men tend to stray. So, I think it may be time for a new approach. Impatience has always been a fault of mine and one I'm ready to change.

Now, let me be clear and say I'm not looking for a husband but I would like to find a companion to spend my time with. I'd like a last call of the day and someone to tell my stories to. I want someone who is a friend first and a lover second. I want to be adored and I don't think that's too much to ask. And I think with a little patience in the matter, we might be able to make the passion last longer. Because letting passion take over first only seems to fizzle quickly, which is just wasted time for all parties involved. It doesn't last and I'm tired of being let down.My passion is something that should be earned. And I plan to keep it in check until I find someone who deserves it. My impatience in the past has certainly settled for less when I know I'm worth more. So for now I'm taming my passion.

But, when the time comes, when it's right with the right person...I can give into the passion...

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?"

- from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

"...and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed
mine is a long way from done..."

"Champagne High" by Sister Hazel is my misery comfort song. Over the years, I have played it to allow me to wallow when a boy from the past found his happy ending with another gal. I would ask myself that age old female question, "Why not me?" Well very recently, I put that song on repeat after hearing the "happy" news about a boy I somehow in the back of my head always expected to find his way back to me. I know it's silly, but you can't help how you feel nor can you talk yourself out of foolish daydreaming sometimes. There are people you encounter in life that just get you...that make you laugh until you cry...that can turn any bad day into a great one. Sometimes everything just clicks when you're with that person and sometimes you're the only one who keeps feeling that click after infactuation wears off for the other party. That was my story with him. That and his huge fear of commitment after having his heart broken. A year later he's married. Go figure right? We had so many great times together that it was hard to let go of that and move on. I waited and thought that one day he would decide he wasn't afraid anymore. I guess I thought he'd come running to me when he figured it out. I guess I was wrong. I pushed way too hard though. I know that now.

"...Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine
And so real - to me..."

I wonder now if I hadn't gone to DC that summer if things would be different. That was what changed it all. Even though he told me to go, I should've known he wanted me to stay. By leaving, I repeated the pattern of every girl that ever broke his heart. Part of the reason I returned was because I couldn't live with the "what if" about me and him. At first, it seemed like we were back to where we left off. It wasn't everything I wanted but it was enough to keep me holding on. I was foolish to hold on. If I had just let him go then, this wouldn't even faze me now. I hate that it hurts at all. I want to be happy for him. He deserves to be happy. And as for the girl who got the happy ending...

"...Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah, what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue... "

This is probably inappropriate, but I've never been known for my tact anyway.

~LDW